How to end a long term relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
How to end a long term relationship
3
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:47pm
The (somewhat) short story: we've been together almost 4 years, but have grown up a lot during that time (we're in our early 20's), and have grown apart as well. Our sex life used to be good, but for various reasons isn't anymore. We don't really share any hobbies. We've been talking about marriage, because all our friends have been getting engaged lately, and I've given him the impression that I'm ready to get engaged. The truth is, though, that all I want right now is the day- the ring, the big white dress. I'm not ready for marriage. He's the only real boyfriend I've ever had, and I feel like a need to get out and live a little before I settle down. I depend on him too much for security and the comfortable feeling of our relationship.
Al of this aside, I really love him. He's one of the kindest, funniest, most caring people I've ever met. I know that the feeling that we've grown apart and may not be right for each other anymore is mutual. But I think he'd be willing to put our relationship ahead of his own possible unhappiness- and part of me feels like I would too.
I can't really even imagine not being with him, but it's seeming more and more like one of us needs to end this relationship before we do end up married. But how do I do it, while still conveying that I'll always love him and respect him? We grew up together and he'll always be the guy that anyone else needs to measure up against. I want to be honest with myself that maybe this isn't going to work, but I have no idea how to begin to talk to him about it. The main point is that I'll always care about him and I don't want to break his heart. His father left his family when he was young and he said (a long time ago) that he couldn't stand being abandoned like that again.
I don't even know for sure that breaking up is the right thing to do. He's helped me through a lot, and he knows absolutely everything about me- the good and the bad- and loves me anyway. Part of me feels like staying together and breaking up would be equally hard in the long run because both options compromise something I value.
Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 6:50pm

Are you sure you really want to end this? It sounds like you feel that you both have not "experienced" the world yet, and want to, before you settle down with one partner forever. While I can certainly relate to that, the world has changed drastically and the dating scene is horrendous...and vicious now. It will probably take many years to find the love again you shared with this man. It is very difficult to find a decent person.

As far as the "day" goes or the dress or the ring...I say weddings are overrated and the bride usually has a very stressful day and the guests have more fun than her. Dont marry for the sake of being married. Marry because you want to create a family with your BF and want to be dedicated to each other forever legally.

Is there a way to work through this slump with your BF...the growing apart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:12pm

hi Snafu, thanks for your message.
I'm sorry, this reply is extremely long.

I don't know what i should do. Part of me definitely wants to stay with him, and gets really stressed whenever I think about breaking up with him. But another part of me feels like there's no way I can be with him for the rest of my life! I know it would be really hard to find someone else, especially someone so kind and loving. I'm trying to think about what I like about our relationship, and what I don't like, and maybe that will help me decide. But, it's not just my decision- and I know that some part of him hasn't been as happy as he could be.
What I like:
He treats me really well. He respects me. He's attracted to me and lets me know it. He's never cheated on me, hit me, anything like that. He has no bad habits like drinking, drugs, etc. He has a good job, he's responsible, he's supportive of my somewhat random goals, he's a decent person, he loves and values his family. We have lots of inside jokes and little cute things we say to each other. I like just having someone- someone to comfort me when I'm upset, someone to do stuff with. My family loves him and I get along fairly well with his family. Our major beliefs are pretty compatible, and even where they don't agree, he just lets me be who I am. This is sort of shallow, but I like the security he provides for me. He makes almost twice as much money as I do- I just graduated from college 3 months ago and he's had a well-paying job for over a year. I can tell him anything, anything I'm afraid of, embarrassed about, whatever, and he'll calm me down and help me get over it. He likes my 2 cats. I'm not very outgoing and don't really make friends easily, but he has a lot of friends that have become my friends over the years we've been together. If we were to break up, I would lose all of those people. He has made clear his intentions to marry me someday. When we are intimate, I usually enjoy it- but that's after I've gotten past the initial not wanting to.

What I don't like:
When we first started dating, the sex was good-although I don't have anyone else to compare him to. But I was attracted to him and interested in being intimate with him. But over time, my desire for him has slowly decreased. He's the only person I've ever slept with- I was only 18 when we met, and we've been together ever since. Whenever my friends talk about their dating lives and the different guys they've been with, a part of me feels jealous even though I know that being single sucks and most of them probably wish they had a relationship like mine. He plays World of Warcraft almost every night for hours and we only really spend time together for about an hour after we get home from work- to have dinner, talk about our days, etc. Our dates are based around nights when he's not playing on his computer, not the other way around. When we've had fights about how much he plays the game, he says he feels like I'm trying to change him from who he is into someone I want him to be- that he can only do things I approve of. I've told him that he's a grown up and can do what he wants but he has to realize that some of the things he does are more attractive to me than other things. We don't really like any of the same activities- I love reading, art, nature, and he doesn't really share any of those interests. A few months ago I had a crush on another guy- I never thought of acting on it- but I was attracted to the fact that he liked reading and nature. I don't really feel like an adult with him- our cable, electric, everything is in his name. I always thought that I would travel, maybe study abroad (but it's too late for that now that I've graduated) He tells me I'm sexy but I don't feel sexy with him anymore. I guess I feel like we have all of the problems of a stereotypical middle-aged married couple, and we're not even married yet. It doesn't give me a whole lot to look forward to- especially since I know it'll only get worse if we have kids.

I feel so guilty because looking at this, it seems like the problems are all my fault. He's a great guy and many girls would be lucky to have someone like him, but I can't even appreciate what I have. But I can't help it- believe me, if I could think of a way to feel desire toward him again, and have that passion back, and not wonder what it's like to be with someone else, and be okay with the World of Warcraft thing, I would! Because he's worth it. I think if I'd only met him 5 or 10 years from now, when I've had a chance to grow up, get to know myself, remind myself how crappy it is to be single, find a direction in life and prove to myself that I can be an adult and take care of myself, and yes, have sex with someone new, then I'd want to stay with him. And knowing that, maybe I should stay with him now. I just don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 9:04am

You are in a difficult position. On the one hand you both love each other and on the other hand you say that you both recognize the need to move on with your lives. Very bittersweet.

"I always thought that I would travel, maybe study abroad (but it's too late for that now that I've graduated) He tells me I'm sexy but I don't feel sexy with him anymore. I guess I feel like we have all of the problems of a stereotypical middle-aged married couple, and we're not even married yet. It doesn't give me a whole lot to look forward to- especially since I know it'll only get worse if we have kids."
----> the above statements makes it sound like you feel that your life is over before it has even begun..and that's no good.

"He's a great guy and many girls would be lucky to have someone like him, but I can't even appreciate what I have."----> this is a feeling that most people would call selfish, but I dont feel you are being selfish...just realistic that you met him too soon in your life. I feel this way because of how nicely you expressed your feelings about him. Be careful not to appreciate those whose paths you cross along the way in life...because decent people are hard to come by in this world. The world and its people have grown incredibly cold, hard and cruel. People dont care about anyone but themselves. Men have an easy time of walking away from a situation such as yours. A man wouldn't think twice that one day he'll meet a great woman again. And if he screws that one up...then he deserves to grow into a bitter old man because he still just couldn't think of anyone but himself and his inconveniences instead of love.

"But I can't help it- believe me, if I could think of a way to feel desire toward him again, and have that passion back, and not wonder what it's like to be with someone else, and be okay with the World of Warcraft thing, I would! Because he's worth it."
---> you can't fake passion. If the passion is gone then regardless of what a great friend and love he has been...it is a sign that something is missing now from your relationship.

"I think if I'd only met him 5 or 10 years from now, when I've had a chance to grow up, get to know myself, remind myself how crappy it is to be single, find a direction in life and prove to myself that I can be an adult and take care of myself, and yes, have sex with someone new, then I'd want to stay with him."---> since he is the first man you have had intercourse with, it is natural to be curious about other men. And the truth of the matter is that there are good lovers and there are bad lovers in this world. The first time you will stick your neck out to embrace a new guy, hopefully it will be a positive experience. Unfortunately there will be many moments you will wish you didnt break up with this guy because you will encounter men who will use you, treat you like dirt, expect a lot and get little in return. The point I am trying to make is that you have been very fortunate to have had this man in your life ... because you will meet complete a$$holes as you go along in life who will not be there for you the way this guy has been during your times of need and who will not tell you you are sexy and who will not get along with your family. But...if the world of experiences calls you (with the good and the bad waiting for you)..then you have to do what you have to do.