How to fall OFF love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
How to fall OFF love?
5
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:29pm

I want to fall off love. Although being in love is a wondefull thing, in my case it's killing me softly. I know this guy for a year. We started as friends with benefits. I knew he wasn't serious about dating me and I accept it. I didn't know I would fall in love with him but my feelings grew for him. I know he would never have feelings for me. I waited long enough. We still talk now and then but I haven't seen him for a couple of months now and the last time we had sex was about 4 months ago.
I can't get him out of my head and heart. I think of him every day and I can't date anyone because of it.
Please, help me to fall off love. If there were pills I could take.....to stop loving him....
I reject all guys because they are not HIM. And even if I go on dates I picture HIM. It's crazy and I'm sick of it. Help!




Edited 11/19/2004 4:11 pm ET ET by oxy76
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:28pm
Instead of focusing on HIM and falling out of love with HIM, why not start focusing on YOU and start loving yourself? A person who loves herself and values herself doesn't pursue or become obsessed with men whot don't treat her well or are not interested in her. A healthy happy individual would never want a person who is only interested in her for sex, or not interested at all b/c a healthy individual believes she deserves a LOT more than that and won't settle until she finds it. The right person for you is someone who feels the same way you do about a relationship with you. Unless that feeling is mutual (and lasts), it's not right for you. Realize that you only have one life to live and you're wasting yours away. You're not going to be able to "do over" or get this time back. Time to look in the mirror and go pick up some books to help you get healthy (if you don't want therapy). THAT would be time well spent. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:00pm
I do realize all that. Apparently it is not that easy to control your heart when it comes to love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:35pm

Hi Oxy,

For what it's worth, I could have written your post myself. I too was in a relationship and it ended 5 months ago. This is going to seem crazy but I didn't know I was his friend with benefits. I seriously thought we were dating exclusively. The way I found out was because one weekend I didn't hear from him and I was angry when he called me the following Monday. When he came over on Wednesday for dinner, as we were finishing up the meal he said he wanted me to know that he did not want a girlfriend. He said he wanted to continue to be my friend and see me still but he never talked about a committment and he was sorry if I thought this is what it was. I did ask him why he never told me this before. He said he knew I would react that way and didn't want the 'benefits' to end. I immediately asked him to leave. He insisted we remain friends even if the benefits were terminated. I agreed but I realized a few weeks ago that even though it had been 5 months since he 'dumped' me (maybe not the best term as I wasn't his girlfriend to dump) but anyhow, that I still had a shred of hope that he would miss me and want to make things right (yes, there is a term for this.... foolishness). It never happened so I told him two weeks ago that the friendship was over and that if he cared one ounce for me he would leave me alone and allow me to move on because as you, I too found myself rejecting guys because they were not him. I was not anywhere I needed to be! I hate to admit it but he was my first thought every morning and my last thought at night. I even prayed at night that God would help me forget him.... Anyhow, now that I know I won't hear from him again it is actually a little easier. Whenever he comes to mind, I immediately turn my thoughts to something else. At first I found myself constantly having to turn my thoughts but now it's not that often. I have to believe that every day I will think of him less even if just a little less until the day WILL COME when I will be completely over him. All I have to think about is the pain he caused me to remind me that he is no longer allowed to live rent free in my mind. Good luck to you, I know it's hard. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:08pm

Hey spicydish,
Yeah, I totally agree with what you said, we have to start focusing on Ourselves and start loving ourselves. I'm in a very similar situation now too. But the only thing is I'm not sure if he Really is not interested... (okay, mine story just involves the beginning get to know each other stage, we just met and I like his friendliness a lot, but nothing physical) cos especially just a week ago it all felt great and I thought there was sorta a mutual liking, but this week, he didn't even come like he usually does to where I work for checking things out, and was a lot colder for some reason.
See the thing is, even if he may have some interests (and now it seems that reality is not at all even), our professional status and age may still be some problems. I know he may not be right for me (like I don't see marrying him, but should think this far ahead anyways? And I don't feel like I want to get physical with him as much as I want to get to know him and his mind and just talk, even friends would be good), but that is only when things were going well, that he may still be showing signs of interests, that I could tell myself that. But now when it seems that he may not be interested after all, I've been getting so obsessed about this fact, and been thinking about it all the time.

I know how I should love myself and find the right person for me etc., but it's just so hard to do when it comes to reality. Though for now, I'm pretty sure I don't 'love' him since I don't know him well, so its not falling out of Love that I want, but I need to learn how to stop obsessing over it! I mean, at first when I could tell myself to accept that even just be friends is good, but this time if he's acting weird and not really wanting to even talk to me, its making me a little sad... What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 10:46am
I agree its best if you give yourself some space. I'm going through the same thing right now and I finally told my ex that if he really cared about me he would back off. I realized after 6months of trying to stay friends that until you give your heart time to heal its not going to work because feelings keep coming back. If its meant to be then time will tell.