How to get the initial spark back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
How to get the initial spark back?
5
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:55am
I’ve been seeing this guy for the past 3 weeks & had 7 dates so far.Last weekend was the first weekend that we did both Saturday & Sunday.We ended up going to his usual haunts & I got introduced to a few friends of his that were there (good sign I feel).Saturday amongst other things he said his ’defence walls were up like the Pentagon’ cos he’s scared of getting hurt.Like me,he’s been single for over 12 months after a LTR.He said that time he was gonna get married for the wrong reasons:to settle down (he’s 33), cos his would-be wife was good at networking & brought potential clients to his business.But finally she’d gone ‘cold, uncommunicative & frigid’ (his words).They ended up going for couple counselling before breaking up, after which she sent him a bill for $45,000 for the furniture/furnishings since she had paid to do up the house he’d inherited (I feel this spells that he’s now still paying her back in instalments cos he’d invested most of his earnings back into his business).Could this explain why he’s tight with money around me?Anyway I’m digressing.Sunday he asked me out again but I sort of started getting a gut feeling that all was not right cos he seemed a bit distant.Ok I could blame it on the film (The Passion of the Christ) but I went home really down, & I’m feeling his daily sms’s are dwindling.He doesn’t seem to like talking on the phone much and I don’t want to bug him by phoning him at home or office.What can I do to get the spark back again?Ok I know deep down it boils down to communication: we need to talk & get to know each other much better.Any other helpful advice please on how to tackle this situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:37am
It sounds like he doesn't want to nurture the spark - he is still stuck in his old relationship and giving you way way TMI way too soon - it is kind of tacky that he told you she sent him a bill for $45,000 and I would see huge red flags in him telling you why he wanted to marry her - that is none of your business and it seems he is telling you so you will stay away from him - has he learned from his mistakes? Doesn't sound like it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:53am
I think you do nothing. You especially don't need to initiate any "talks." You've only been dating him 3 weeks! Since he's the one that is backing off, you let him go.

What is it about HIM that you find so interesting? He's a tightwad. And you need to evaluate if he is even worth your consideration, given the fact that it sounds like he is still in an emotional state after breaking up with his fiancee.

If you decide that he is someone you want to continue dating, I say the best way to get his attention is to cool it. Don't call him, write him or visit him. If he comes to YOU, be pleasant and polite, but don't make any suggestions about getting together. And absolutely no questions about "why haven't you been calling me?" Men usually respond very positively to a woman who is upbeat, confident, who has a full social life on her own, and who doesn't appear too eager.

If he doesn't show more interest in you after that, you move on and forget about him. Other fish in the sea, and whatnot.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:33am

Hello asmodea, welcome to the board!


To get the initial spark back you could light the initial match...


OK, now that I have my strange attempt at humor out of the way... I'll offer this for your donsideration...


There are many who would just suggest that you remove yourself from this picture. They may find that it isn't a suitable environment for a relationship (at least they wouldn't be in one like this...) - but, the fact is, you are in this and it is your relationship.


Now, having said that, you should realize that life's highway is filled with speed bumps. The trick is to travel over them without running off of the road or being damaged. Any relationship suffers conflict at times. It's not the problem that is so important as it is how it's resolved. In this case, this man has revealed things to you because he felt safe in doing so. After the inital spark had died down to a hot ember, a relationship takes on a more comfortable tone. Each partner feels safer in revealing more of themselves and their past.


We all come from different places when we come together. We have different pasts, we have different ideas and ideals, we have different approaches to situations and we are all products of our environment. Sometimes two people are suitable for each other and some times they are not. Truthfully, no one can determine who is suitable for you but the opinions and advice they offer are based on similar situations that they have encountered.


Maybe this man did have problems in his past relationship and maybe he did make mistakes. None of us are truly perfect and infallible. His defense walls went up because he found himself becoming more comfortable with you and consequently more vulnerable. And, at this point he is relating to his past. Not that you would do to him what has been done before, it's just a built-in survival mechanism. If he is concientious about his money because of a past experience or his responsibilities at the present

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:47am
If you are asking where the spark went after just 3 weeks, then IMO the spark was really just infatuation and nothing more.

I agree with the other posters who said that since he is withdrawing, the best course for you is to give him time and space. Anything else would be futile.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:15am
Dear iVillagers, Thank you so much for all your feedback.

Yesterday there was no contact whatsoever between us, even though Tuesday he always got in touch to meet up.I'll probably not contact him today either, unless he does himself.But this silence is bothering me & I'll probably phone him tomorrow to see what's wrong with him.I'm not in a hurry to get into any relationship, but I definitely don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't know what he wants in his life.