How to get past the blahs and find love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
How to get past the blahs and find love
5
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 5:57pm
I am just not motivated to even try dating anymore. The relationships I have had since my divorce have all started on-line, and everytime I try a dating website, those same people see that I am still hopelessly single, and they either try to strike up with me again, or let me know in some way that they know I am on the prowl and they think I must be totally inept at relationships.

Case in point...there is a man in my life now...on the surface he would seem like the perfect guy if I didn't feel so unfulfilled with him. When we met everyone thought I was a complete fool to not totally worship the ground he walks on (including him) because he is handsome, charming, and successful. Unfortunately he is also very busy and self absorbed, and his time for me seems to be last priority. He is used to women being at his beckon call bending over backwards to accomodate him, but even when I try I feel like I play second fiddle to everything else in his life, which makes me feel lonely.

Anyway, we went out for a while, and I told him I wanted to see other people, and he would not have that, so we parted ways for the past few months. Now he is back and I get the idea that he intends to make me pay for insulting his pride. He is cold with me, and we don't talk much..he just comes by late at night for sex and leaves, yet he still questions me relentlessly about how I spend my time, and acts suspicious and hateful most of the time.

Perhaps if I just hang in there and earned his trust, and learn to settle for less of his time than I would like, and make more sacrifices for him, it might be ok...I have nothing better to do, and no motivation to try dating new people...but I would really like someone to love me. How can I get past the blahs and get motivated to find what I really want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:29pm

Oh hon. Why are you subjecting yourself to such treatment from this man?

 Start

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:48pm
Well, for starters, stop having sex with this clown!!! He's not and never will be your Mr. Right and it's just going to depress you to keep associating with him.

As for the rest, you'll get motivated to get out and date again when you're ready to do so. This is a great time to work on yourself, do your internal housecleaning, so to speak. If you are at all spiritual, I'd highly recommend reading "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:09pm
I agree with the other posters. stop dating this loser and stop sleeping with him. who the hell is he to treat you that way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:12am
Thank you for all your advice. I think part of the reason why I feel compelled to deal with him is because I feel guilty. The biggest part of the reason why I am his last priority is because his two year old daughter is first. The second reason is that he is a competitive wakeboarder in his off time, and it is his passion. He and his ex agreed to not have thier daughter around people they were seeing unless it was quite serious, and I agreed with that...likewise, I didn't want to be around his friends...I felt like I was some kind of trophy or something he wanted to show off to them. I guess I feel like I made him feel compelled to choose between them and me, and I was a schmuck for playing games like that...I didn't end it, I told him if he didn't give me what I wanted I would likely cheat on him, and so I wanted to see other people while we were together. as it would be better to do it openly in my opinion. At first he agreed to it because he thought it was what I really wanted, and he knew he could not give me all the time I wanted. But then it ended because he said he was never going to be able to give me all the time and attention I want, and he can't stand me being with other men.

I guess I sort of feel that I was being a baby/am a baby/need to grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around me, but I can't help feeling jilted. I guess this is how I am. My pride is the only think that has kept me from trying to meet new people. All my family and friends tell me he is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I won't find anyone better, and I am afraid if I try they will be proven right

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:04pm
I know exactly what you are talking about. I too am dealing with a man that is somewhat aloof when it comes to him displaying his true feelings for me. We met about 7 to 8 months ago. There was definitely a strong attraction between us for each other, we began a physical relationship. We are still friends, while I wanted more from him at first, HE was very hinest and told me that he as not ready to get involved in a very serious relationship. The sex is more than amazing, and while I would love to have this man all to myself, I find that I am content just to have sex with him. At first I thought that I would not be able to maintain a sexual relationship with him because I have stronger feelings. What I have learned abut thi sman is that he has feelingsfor me but just is not ready to let them out. Telling me what he really feels will leave him vulnerable and without a card to play ( he thinks ) Perhaps your guy is the same way. He could really like you but for whatever reason is intimidated by his own feelings. Or perhaps he enjoys the sex that you two share and is a little selfish about sharing, ( Hence alll the questions about your outside activity)

As long as you realize that you are deserving of a loving relationship. You do not have to settle for his ( MIddle of the Night Booty Calls ) If love is what you want, you probably are looking for it from the wrong dude, But if you are looking to get laid he is definitely your man. Another thing that I have learned is that when a guy tells you that he wants to be " just friends " IF you have a physical relationship and treat him like a piece of ass, he will be a little more inclined to treat you like he cares about more than the sex. Guys like to be able to treat women like sex objectts, but they don't know how to handle that, especially from a woman that they have genuine feelings for, even if he has been allof about them.

Hope I helped you at least a little.