How to handle myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
How to handle myself?
2
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:50am
Hi everyone -- I've been to this board a few times in the last year. I've spent the last two years in love with a wonderful man who I live with. However, neither of us have had much relationship experience and have made many mistakes, and don't always learn from them and the relationship has been rocky after the first 6 months. We have almost broken up several times, but each time we realized that we can't live without each other. I'm happiest when I'm with him. The last 3 weeks or so, we had 5 great days and then 2 we seem to have horrible fights -- usually due to his frustration with something careless I did. I am horribly messy, and don't always pay attention to what I am doing and it leads to tripping over things I leave on the floor, in this case his vacuuming the whole house without realizing I had put the vacuum together wrong, or in last nights' case -- him seriously cutting his foot due to how I left a knife in the dish drainer.

He's had it -- he knows it was an accident, but it took 3 hours to stop the bleeding, and he can't forgive my carelessness. I fear I've lost him forever, and I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do. We live together, have a dog -- I have no where to go, no friends that are local and I am so in love with him, that I can't breathe. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:01pm
If a cut foot is enough to make him run for the hills (once the cut heals) that's all you need to know about the level of his commitment to you. 8 weeks before my cousin's wedding, she was diganosed with breast cancer that has spread. Her husband married her and for the last 2 years has lived with her through chemo treatments, frequent anxiety attacks, devastating fatigue and pain, hormone treatments, radiation, issues with the way her family deals with it, her crankiness and self absorption (all understandable!) - and not only has he stuck around he has been a total saint. This man you are referring to can't even deal with minor carelessness/accidents - what's going to happen in a true crisis? Of course you should apologize for your part in his injuries and be supportive but if this is enough for him to leave, let him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:04pm
My biggest question is, what was his foot doing in the dish drainer? Were the dishes draining on the floor? Does he have no arms and there picks up dishes with his foot? As for the rest, here is my opinion:

"we can't live without each other. I'm happiest when I'm with him."

Big problems with this statement. A healthy relationship is one where the people could live without each other and would be happy without each other, but are together because they care about each other, are compatible and want to put in the time and effort to build a life together. If you can't be happy alone, you are doomed to have failed relationships because you are dependent on one another to be happy. If you can't make yourself happy, then nobody else will be able to do it either.

"I have no where to go, no friends that are local"

You will find a place to go. You need to make friends. You have to do these things to take care of yourself, whether you find a way to make this relationship work or not. You can't be that dependent on someone else. Take charge of your life, now.

"... and I am so in love with him, that I can't breathe"

You aren't going to believe me, but when you get over him you are going to be surprised at how wonderful it will feel to finally BREATHE! Not breathing means you are suffocating. Not being able to stand on your own and make yourself happy is the problem, not being able to breathe is the symptom. Healthy relationships do not smother you.

Of course you are heartbroken. It will take some time to get over this and heal. The best thing you can do is try to figure out what this relationship has taught you. It would be most helpful do get a qualified professional to help you figure this out. If there is any chance to save the relationship, it would probably require the two of you to go to counseling together. I doubt your clumsiness could end a relationship that was meant to be. Figure out what you need to do to be happy and independent, and start a new chapter in your life today.

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