How hard should I pursue him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2012
How hard should I pursue him?
13
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 8:28pm

14.00

Here's the story:

I've been Facebook (FB) friends with this guy from college, we'll call him Troy, for five plus years (we both graduated in 2005). We were never friends in college, we might have hung out in a group a few times back in school (I think that's how we met), but we do have some mutual friends/acquaintances from college. I've always passively noticed him on my FB newsfeed but never really paid him a lot of attention. Randomly, about two months ago while I was browsing my FB newsfeed he caught my attention with a funny status update.  I was bored so I checked out his profile, pictures, etc. and I realized that he's my "dream guy"... on paper. I also realized that he recently moved to the same city as me about six months ago.

I decided to send him a message on FB chat. We exchanged a few messages, small talk... I asked him how he liked living here blah, blah, blah. A few days later I sent him another chat message and asked him if he wanted to meet up for happy hour, he was busy that week and couldn't meet up but told me that we could "definitely hang out". I gave him my number and then he gave me his.

This occurred around the beginning of November, right around the start of the NBA basketball season. Apparently, he's a serious basketball fanatic (I gathered this from his FB updates and pictures) and he has season tickets to the city basketball team. He's been on a "basketball overdose"; he goes to the local NBA games and travels out of town for some game too. Even though he said he wanted to hang out I didn't hear from him, so a month later, the beginning of December, I made a comment on one of his pictures (he was at happy hour in the picture) about us going to happy hour. He told me to pick a day the following week and let him know. He squeezed me in before a basketball game for literally an hour of cocktails the following week, we both agreed that we had a good time and want to hang out again. He told me to let him know if I was going to be hanging out later that night and he would possibly meet me after the game. 

I ended up going home after happy hour but I did send him a text making conversation about the game. He reiterated that he had a good time and wanted to hang out again. A few days later I sent him a text asking him how the rest of his weekend went and so on. He was responsive, he seemed like he was making an effort to make conversation, no one word responses or anything. I started telling me about how he was starting to make an effort to be more social,  I flirtatiously told him that I could help him fix that problem and I  stroked his ego a little bit and told him that I like hanging out with smart handsome guys like himself. I wanted to drop a hint that I'm not just trying to hang out with the intention of becoming "friends". I don't know if he was surprised or what but it took him a while to reply, but he responded saying that he's going to have to use my number then. I guess he was flirting back?

Here's the problem: Even though he seems like he's interested and says that he wants to hangout he's not making little effort to initiate things. I'm not sure if he's just focused on other things right now, i.e. basketball or if he's just saying stuff to be nice. The most I've gotten from him is an occasional comment on my Facebook status updates. He hasn't called or even sent me a text since we went to happy hour two weeks ago.

The other issue, a friend from college wants to go see our college basketball team (and Troy's) play the local rival college in about a week in a half. She wants me to invite Troy because she’s bringing the guy she's seeing. I'm not opposed to this because it's the prefect event to invite him to given that he's really into basketball and it's our college team, but I am opposed to doing all the initiation! I feel like the ball is definitely in his court right now and he should be asking me to hang out since he said he wanted to hang out again, but for some reason I don't see him being the aggressor.

He’s kind of “nerdy” but he’s not socially awkward or anything of the sort. He’s really friendly and easy to talk to and actually appears to have a few female friends (most of them are Greeks from college, he’s in a fraternity). While we were at happy hour he did make a comment that he’s “trying to figure out some things about women”…. Whatever that means.

I’ve never pursued a guy before so this is new territory for me. Maybe he’s never been pursued by a female before? How much pursuing should I do without coming on too strong? Does it seem like I’m reading into this too much or being too impatient?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 8:56pm

I think I would ask him to the game since you went to the same college and there are other people going so it's not too much like asking him on a date.  But otherwise, I'd back off & give him the chance to initiate--I think that's really the only way to figure out if a guy is interested.  I wouldn't want to be the one doing all the work either or all the asking out.  There's a guy I had a crush on--we go to the same dance school so we got to know each other pretty well.  ON my birthday I asked people in general if they wanted to go out for a drink & he came--I figured he'd get the drift that I was interested (it was only one other girl and the 2 of us), but no--another time, the 3 of us went out again, initiated by the other girl (who is not interested in him).  Much more time passed and a bigger group of us went out--again, initiated by someone else.  He never makes the first move and frankly, I'm tired of it, so I kind of gave up on him--he's a middle aged man, not a kid so he should have more social skills.  Since he is on OLD I know he's looking for a GF, but apparently he's not interested in me.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 8:47am

Like Musiclover, I don't think it would hurt to invite him to this game, but I would definitely not invite him again. I think you've already done more than your share of pursuing, and honestly, I think you should wait for him to invite you next. Call me old-fashioned, but I think it's better if the man does the pursuing in the beginning. At least, most of it. Even if a guy is shy, he will ask you out if he is interested. You've made it abundantly clear that you enjoy his company, so you've made it easy for him to take the next step---now he just needs to do it. Men are always so quick to point out that they really aren't all that complicated, that if they like a woman, they will ask her out. Also, do you know if he's dating someone else, or if he has his eye on someone else? 

I know there are exceptions to this "rule" but for me, it has never worked out when I have pursued. I'm in my 50s, and I remember back to the early 70s when the women's movement resurged you would hear, "It's the 70s! It's OK for a woman to ask a man out!" Then in the 80s, you heard the same thing. And on and on. But I think some things are very slow to change, and I think this is one of them. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 9:49am
To put it into sports terms - it's like you're out fishing while he's playing basketball - you're both in two different fields of play. I see nothing even close to him being interested in you other than being occasional buddies. You put yourself out there with the comment and he didn't bite. It doesn't sound like he's interested in dating anyone at all right now.
 
I'm a guy and remember one time asking a female coworker to an event just because she seemed into it. She thought it was a date. I had no interest in her. So the whole time she was rolling through the dating behaviors and questions while I was thinking - dang it, how did I miss that she thought this would be a date. I couldn't wait for the night to be over.
 
So even if you ask him to the game, he may be thinking it was nice of his FB buddy to find this game, while you think you're making something happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 2:57pm

14.00

Well, from what I've gathered he appears to be completely single. He's really active on Facebook and based on his status updates and comments between him and his friends on his wall (yes, I checked this out before I even asked him to happy hour) he appears to be living a bachelor type of lifestyle. We haven't had a conversation about if he's dating someone or has his eye on anyone else. All I know is that he told me that he does a lot of stuff by himself and he's not very social (maybe this is why he's single). He even told me that he plans on going out for New Year's eve by himself.

It's crazy because he's definitely a catch... maybe he's really picky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:07pm
I agree that it doesn't really seem like he's interested in dating anyone. Frankly, it only seems like he's interested in basketball right now! I ended up calling him last night and left him a voicemail about the game. So, I'll see what he says when he gets back to me. If he can't go/doesn't want to go I'm definitely not igniting anything else. Even if he does come I'm not doing anymore initiating after that. I was kind of worried that he might think that I'm trying to blindside him with a date by asking him to the game... since it is going to seem like a couples thing (on the VM I told him some friends and I have tickets to the game no details). I guess I'll just have to see if he bothers to ask about who's going when he gets back to me. It's not that I think it's a date, I just feel like it's the perfect event for us to enjoy together.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 12:45pm

  This guy sounds like he has been in the friendzone and does not know how to get out of it.  I have always had many women friends.  I am so used to girl talk that what would be a hint to a player i treat as conversation.  Women,will talk sex that would make male locker rooms sound like a nun's convention.  This guy may have the same problem.  Make you wishes known by word and deed!  The myth of who chases who is not functional.  I am considered a "nice" guy.  I don't chase.   He may be completely oblivious that you have an interest in him. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2008
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 4:05pm

14.00

Yeah, it does seem like he's probably used to being in the friend zone.  One of my guy friends who has a lot of female friends made this point to me. He said that when a guy already has a lot of female friends it can be hard to tell when someone actually likes you as more than a friend. That's why I made an effort to drop hints that I'm interested. I feel like he has to get it, I didn’t flat out tell him that I have a crush on him, I didn’t want to come on too strong or overwhelm him, but I mean, I think he can read between the lines.  At this point in my life, being 29 years old, I’m not interested in starting platonic friendships... at least not on purpose.  He’s 31 and most of his friends are married (something he mentioned at happy hour) so I’m sure that dating might cross his mind every now and again.

Well, after five days, he got back to me about going to the game and of course he said he already bought a ticket (I should have known). I thought about asking him if he wanted to meet up for drinks before, but again I would be initiating, so I didn’t mention it.

I think I’m just going to leave it alone because he’s just not showing enough interest. Even if he is used to being in the friendzone I feel like if a guy/person wants something they’ll make the effort, naturally. Even if he really just wanted to hangout “as friends” I don’t even feel like he’s made enough effort. I guess only time will tell if this picks up but I think I’m done putting myself out there for now.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 5:40pm

   I suggest ridding yourself of those "he is supposed to" beliefs.  Your friend is right.  You will have to make it clear to him.  Clear in what you want with yourself too.  Is this "I want him to ask me out" and that's it?  Because to me as a male I am not feeling it.  It feels lukewarm. 

" but again I would be initiating"   So what?    To me you are way over analyzing.  There seems to be an agenda and hoops he must jump thru rather than be the person.  

" I think I’m just going to leave it alone because he’s just not showing enough interest"

 " I feel like if a guy/person wants something they’ll make the effort, naturally.'

  Really?  Could it be that the communications are garbled? 

"  but I think I’m done putting myself out there for now."

    To me reading this I do not agree. I see you being very cautious and perhaps unbeknownst to you giving "friend only "signals.  There is a time to get serious flirting.  To be assertive. 

   What is your endgame? 

  When one wants one go gets.  All this could be answered in 20 minutes alone. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2008
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 7:37pm

14.00

I see your points and I know I’m over analyzing this! And, yes I am being overly cautious because as I mentioned I never really pursued a guy before! Also, because I have a tendency to be too blunt/assertive with people and in the past this hasn’t worked to my advantage. I’ve been told that I come on too strong before.

What I WANT is to get to know him better as a person, I would like to hang out with him, not necessarily go on “dates” (I actually kind of hate going on typical dinner and a movie dates);just spend time together.  I don’t have an “agenda” other than finding out if we make a real connection.  I’m not expecting him to jump through hoops; I’m just expecting him to show me some interest back if there is any at all.

I’m not sure if the communication is garbled but I do think there definitely needs to be more communication. That other issue I hate about dating and getting to know someone is that everyone these days seems to be a “text-monster” (their preferred form of communication is via text message) and it’s really hard to get to know someone though your fingertips. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I prefer talking on the phone vs. texting, to me it’s just very impersonal. I will admit that I was slightly annoyed that he returned my phone call with a text message, but unfortunately I understand that that is what the culture is now days.

Granted we’ve only had a few interactions, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions too fast/giving up too fast. I’m just not sure where to go from here. I suppose I could text him/call him and spark up some friendly conversation, maybe ask him if he wants to meet up for happy hour again sometime soon.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated….

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 2:51pm

Try to stop over analyzing and just let him know of your interest.

Why don't you tell him that you "want to get to know him better as a person" ? And that you want to hang out and spend time together and see where it goes if you have a connection or not.

As to the texting, you might want to think about it as a starting point, and then more personal phone calls should follow.

And, starting with another invite to happy hour, could be a good thing.

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