how important is physical attraction

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
how important is physical attraction
9
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 8:52pm
Hi there, I met a guy last year and I am divorced but he is still married and he thought he was happy until he met me. I have honestly had no idea the effect I had on him when we met. He was a nice guy, we'd carry on (a bunch of us at a local coffee shop). I had no "designs" on him or any married man for that much. Anyway, over the months, he came by to visit. We'd sit at my kitchen table, and chat. He is a fisherman and would always drop by with some lobster for me. He ended up leaving his wife in the summer for a month to be with me. I guess I was just so shocked and flattered that anyone would be so, so

into me, I guess. He loves me. He treats me like a queen. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. He has two children (ages 22 and 16) and in that summer he went back to his wife because of the kids and I was fine with that. I had been shocked to learn that he had left them.

Anyway, I am 43, he is 52. He clears off my steps, my car, etc. when there is a snow storm. He doesn't expect anything in return. He knows I don't feel the same way about him. I love him as a person. He is really wonderful and I have never been treated like this in my life. But, again, I am not physically attracted to him as such. We have been intimate on a few occasions, but I am not in love with him and he is heartsick and I feel so guilty and am not sure what to do now. He has bought me jewelery, for xmas and I have a birthday coming up too.

I'd like to keep his friendship, but I don't want to torture him knowing I don't feel the same way, but I have been honest with him the whole time and he knows this.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:13pm
first to answer your question - physical attraction is quite important. Here's the reason I feel this way:

I was in a similar situation not long ago. I was dating a man that treated me absolutely wonderfully. I cannot, to this day, think of one bad thing to say about that man, he's actually still a friend. The thing was this - I was not physically attracted to him one bit. In fact, he was borderline repulsive to look at in my opinion, and I fought with my own morals as to be so "low" as to judge someone who treated me exactly the way I'd always dreamed of being treated because of his looks. It was terrible, really!

Then one day, I was talking to a friend about this. Explaining to her that I felt so badly about even considering his looks, that it "just wasn't the right thing to do". And then she pointed this ovbious thing out to me. He deserved to find someone that accepted him completely, looks and all, the way he was. Asked me if I'd be happy with a man who loved my personality, but found ME physically unattractive. The answer was no, I would not be truly happy. A person shouldn't have to talk themselves into a relationship, for whatever reason. If there are doubts (even if like me, who hated my reasons for doubting this relationship) about if you can handle it, and those doubts don't quickly dissapear or decrease with time, then its not the right "permanent" relationship. See, with my relationship - he was falling pretty hard. I never called him "boyfriend" although my actions probably led him to believe we were "a couple" He told me he was falling in love, and thats when I felt my stomach churn and knew I could NEVER return that love. We dated for only a few months - I really enjoyed his company, valued his friendship immensely, and missed him terribly after I told him things weren't working out. I never told him the real reason why, just told him things were moving too fast, and I needed to put more time into my kids and occupation, and he graciously accepted that excuse. And I guess in a way, things were moving too fast.... but only because he wasn't "the one". I didn't think it fair of me to let him remain in a relationship and be hopeful for a future that I knew in my heart would never happen.

anyway, this is long enough.... hope my little story helped some! :)

-Nancy


Edited 3/11/2004 9:15 pm ET ET by vanillatangerine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:39pm
Hi there:

Thank you so so much for your imput. It has helped me a great deal. I understand everything you said and can agree. He was/is absolutley wonderful to me and I am thinking at my age, should I expect more, should I "settle". His looks aren't all that bad, but he just looks so, so much older and in a way is like an old man to me. He is so desperately in love with me and I hate to hurt him. He cries in front of me and tells me he loves me so, so much, but I hate to hurt anyone, especially someone who has such real

genuine feelings for me which I don't doubt he has.

But, you are right. I have tried to explain that I love him as a person, as a friend and hopefully, he can accept that and he has in the past,but has gotten carried away and would just stop by to visit me a little more often then I'd like, etc. I undertand your feeling "bad" about your feelings about his looks. I have to say, I never thought I was superficial but I am just not attracted to him and it isn't exactly only his looks.

Thank you again for your imput. It just reaffirms my own decision which I need the advice on. Keep in touch.

Pisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:45pm
Yes, stop being so selfish and I hope someday someone you love leaves you for another woman. You are not only using him, you are with a man who would cheat on his wife and leave his kids - in a way, you deserve each other, I just feel so sorry for his wife and kids. Why in the world would you be intimate with a married man you weren't even attracted to - so he could buy you little trinkets? Why not find some nice single guy you can use for gifts and work around your house so that you can continue your little game of using men for gifts and what they can do for you but at least you won't be affecting someone's family.

Ugh - you give women a bad name - go find some friends on one of the affair message boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:06pm
Just wanted to thank you for your kind words of understanding. It must be nice to sit back and judge people by what little you know of things. Thankfully, most strangers are not as nasty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:05am
You're here asking for advice on how to carry on an affair with a married man? Sorry hon, but I have few words for you other than this... he is married. The kindest and most sensible thing you can do is remove yourself from his life. You have been the source of enough heartache already... heartache on the part of his wife, his children and even breaking the heart of this foolish man who is wrecking his own marriage and family life to be with you, and you are not even physically attracted to him or love him. It all sounds pretty pointless, to me.

Yes, he is surely to blame for entering into an adulterous relationship with you. But you do not have to share the blame. I don't even think it's realistic to think that you can be his "friend" now, given the circumstances. Be the bigger person and end it. There are single men out there for you, and you might even find love with one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:41am
I agree with Deena & Jill. You are asking the wrong question, on the wrong board! I don't see how your issues about not being sufficiently attracted to the married man you are sleeping with (?!) fit in here.

Beyond that, I don't understand why you would want to be a part of disrupting a marriage and taking childrens' father away from them. There are plenty of single men out there - why get involved with a married man? Obviously he shares responsibility - they are his marriage vows that are being broken - but personally I couldn't bear being a party to that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:29am
Thankfully, most of the women I know would never dream of having an affair or using someone for gifts/services.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:23am
Use this as a learning experience that you never get involved with a married man - there is just too much at stake for too many people. And look at all this pain that's been caused - for nothing. Don't keep him as a friend - that's not being kind to him and it's not allowing him to heal or get back to his life.

I actually have a friend of 11 years who recently confessed that he was falling for me (long distance too, I might add). I told him that he had to stop thinking that way, that he needed to get into counselling with his wife and attend religiously for at least six months, if after that he still felt his marriage wasn't working, then he should start divorce proceedings and perhaps a year after that I would consider the possibility. But quite frankly, as much as I love him as a friend, I wouldn't want breaking up his family on my conscience and I don't think I would be able to feel good about myself - or him, if he left his family to be with me. If he ends up leaving his wife because he is unhappy, well that's something else, but not because of me. And as much as I love his friendship, I have dropped out of sight as I do not in any way want to encourage his feelings for me to develop any further.

Break off all contact with this man - you will be doing him a favor.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:17am
Hi coolas,

Thanks for your imput. In fact, as of this morning, I did just that, ended it completely and have no plans to see him again. It wasn't easy, but I know it was the right thing to do, I am just sorry it took so long on my part.......but at least now it is done and over with.