How to keep the door open?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
How to keep the door open?
4
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:41pm
Hi All,

My latest ex and I dated for 3 months after knowing eachother for 4 years. The third month of our relationship, he was occupied with his farming due to harvest, and I saw very little of him. He is also at a point in his life where he's graduated from college, yet not quite established in the real world. He's never held a real job, but he's helped other farmers.

We broke up a few nights ago because he feels he needs to go through this transition phase in his life alone. He feels he has some growing to do before he can be in a relationship. I agree with this.

I have decided to remain friends with him because we've known eachother for such a long time. I also feel that we're meant to be together. I understand that it's over right now, but I don't feel that it's permanent. He said it is possible that we may end up back together eventually.

My question is hard to explain. I guess I'm just wondering how do I keep him in my life and keep the door open? How often do I contact him? Next December (2005) I'll be done with college, and I'll need to decide whether to move away or stay around here. I'd be willing to stay around here if he and I are together. I was thinking maybe next June I'd ask him if he'd like to spend some more time together, to see if we could try our relationship again - if we are both single, that is. That way if things do work out, we could let them grow, and then I could decide which way to go with my life once winter arrived.

I feel that our relationship didn't get much of a chance. We only had 2 months to move from 3 years of friendship into something more, then the last month we saw eachother maybe five days because harvest is such a commitment to the farmers around here.

If anyone has any input or advice, it would be appreciated! Thank you in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:09pm
I just went through this about two months ago and I really in my heart wanted us to get back together and the words were even used - Is there a chance we could get back together and his response was yes..... In my personal exeperiance - do your own thing make new guy friends get your self involved in stuff and really don't think you will get back together because after you have time to make new friends and met new people you will see that it was all a good reason you broke up.. he dose not have his life straight and you have to think if you want to be put second.... Trust me - there really are some great guys out there and even though this is not what you want to hear right now - you'll just have to see for yourself.. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:10pm
He's requesting time off and going about his business of growing personally and professionally before getting involved again. He's going to that. He's not planning around you and your studies and December of this year. He know he wants to grow. You should do the same. You should finish college and plan what you'll do afterward. The fact that he said "eventually/probably we'll get back together" doesn't mean "we will get back together this year/soon". You should move on with your life and go ahead and do your own business. You can go out with him but don't initiate the calling. He said he needs time to sort out his ideas/projects so if he calls and you're free go out. If he calls and you have plans tell him no. Don't plan your life around his calls. His call may never come. I don't recommentd to plan your life around what this guy has told you. If you have a good chance to move out of the area due to a good job offer after finishing school: take it. In the event that in the future this guy makes up his mind and says "Hey, I'd like to give a try", you can -at that time- decided if you want him in your life again. That's the way you keep the door open. You date, you study, you work and you later decide if you want him in or out of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:39pm
Thanks for your response... I appreciate it!

I'm actually very self-involved right now. I hadn't planned on dating anyone again until I graduated college. This all came as a surprise to me... he and I dating, that is. In no do I intend to plan my life around him. All I want to do is keep a friendship between us, and touch base with him before I leave the area.

I'm not expecting us to get back together, I just think down the road it may be worth another shot. Like you said, there are many great people out there... and I'm excited for all those whom I have yet to meet in life. :) The future holds things beyond my imagination. Thanks again for your input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:42pm
Hi there!

I posted this reply to another person's reply, as well...

Thanks for your response to my post.

I'm actually very self-involved right now. I hadn't planned on dating anyone again until I graduated college. This all came as a surprise to me... he and I dating, that is. In no do I intend to plan my life around him. All I want to do is keep a friendship between us, and touch base with him before I leave the area.

I'm not expecting us to get back together, I just think down the road it may be worth another shot. Like you said, there are many great people out there... and I'm excited for all those whom I have yet to meet in life. :) The future holds things beyond my imagination. Thanks again for your input!