How to know if breaking up right

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
How to know if breaking up right
2
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:00pm
Dear everyone,
Just three weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years - my decision - but one that I agonized over for weeks before hand. We'd had problems for a while and I'd thought of ending it, then I was away for a couple of months and we only argued the whole time over the phone and drifted further apart. Then when I got back we tried for a few weeks to keep it going but my heart wasn't in it. So I finished it.
Problem is I find it hard to let go and move on. I feel guilty for not having given it a better try. My girlfriend now knows the things that were bothering me and she wants to work at it. Now I miss her and miss the good times and yes, stupidly we have started having contact again already. But, in a few weeks I also have to go away again and this time for over 4 months and think there is no way of getting back to the stage where our relationship can survive this distance before I go.
Everybody keeps telling me it is normal to have all these doubts, that I did the right thing breaking up and that "time will tell if it is the right decision" - but what does that mean? For me it means I can't shut my mind off to the possibility that we will get back together in the future. I don't want to keep her hanging on with false hope that we will and I see no real chance that we can do, at least until I come back - then by the way, I won't have to go away again - and no I'm not going to prison - it is a work thing!
So, I feel we need to say - this is it and move on with our lives, see where we are when I come back and if we feel like getting back together but I am worried that one of us will be able to move on and the other won't. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? Am I going mad?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:26pm
It sounds like you just need a break. And it does make sense. It is so hard to sort out your feelings after a break-up and especially if you're still in contact (whatever sort of contact that may be). Things happen for a reason and maybe this next 4 month trip is happening at the right time. It will give both of you a chance to learn from the past and improve yourselves for the future, whether you end up together or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:09pm

I agree. This break has come at the right time. You both do need some time-off to think about different things, and learn and realize what you both have to. If one moves on, and the other does not, then accept it. I know, it is hard, but life is never still. Things are always changing. You are missing the good times, and feeling bad about what happened..and it is normal. But this does not mean that once you both get back together, the issues will go away. The issues will remain until you both learn to work at it "together". Yes, it is better to not keep her hanging.

If both are willing and really, really want it to work out, then you both could try staying in touch and do the best you can. But are you both ready and willing to do that?
No one should be feeling pressured here.

I still stick with the idea of a break, with no contact and no expectations. After going through so much turmoil, we all need some solid time-off.