How to know if he's rebounding?
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| Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:24pm |
I met a great guy online a few weeks ago, and we've been out twice, and talked on the phone just about every night, for hours at a time. We both seem to be in the same place in life, and in terms of what we want in a relationship. We talk deeply about relationships, and feelings, and it seems like we're talking straight from our hearts.
He's been out of a long term relationship (3 years), for about 4 or 5 months now, and has been really thinking alot about the whole relationship thing (what went wrong, what he wants in a new one, who he is in relationships, and how to be healthy and good in them, etc), and he seems to really know what he's talking about. He's been reading lots of relationship books (for example, The 5 Love Languages), and seems to be focusing on the good things.
So when we talk about his last relationship, he doesn't "whine" or "reminisce" about wanting to be back with her; he recognizes that it wasn't a good relationship, and that he doesn't want to be back in it, but he admits to still feeling "down" about it at times, and missing that part of his life (not really her specifically, just the life he used to have).
I know how he feels, I've been there, and am only a bit more removed from it than he is. The one thing I'm nervous about is that even though we both talk about how we want to be in a good relationship, with good communication, with someone who wants to be in it just as much as we do, I'm afraid that since he hasn't really dated since their break up, that I'm going to end up being just a rebound.
He said that he's not looking for a rebound, that he wants to be in a real relationship. We're taking it slowly, and not rushing "having feelings" for each other, or talking ourselves into rushing into a relationship just because we want one; we're focusing on ourselves first, and growing together second.
But I have that bit of unease about him not being completely over his ex, and am wondering how I would truly know if it's me and a future he wants, or just a replacement for her and their life together...

You've been on two dates.
Well, naturally, I want it to develop and grow into a relationship...he's a great guy, and I think we have real potential. But I want it to grow the right way, which is why we're taking it slow...no sex, no talking about "forever", etc.
And he is being honest and open with me about things, which is great. He's contacting me every day, doing what he says he'll do, and seeing genuinely interested in me, which is so much more than I can say for any of the other guys I've gone out with over the last few months from OLD. He's even taken his profile off of the site where we met.
I can see walls up, though, for example, the other night, he said that he didn't want to "give his all" to someone unless they were "wanting to be in it just as much as he does", and now that we've gone out twice, he seems shier in talking about what he wants out of a relationship. I can tell that he's been hurt by his last relationship, but I can also see that he's trying really hard to get over it, which is great.
I was just wondering if there were any signs I should look for in the future that would show that he was perhaps rebounding, just having me because I'm there and it's comfortable, or how I'll be able to tell if he's actually into Me as a person, and not just trying to recreate what they had...
I'm just wary of getting further into something with someone if they're not ready and fully past their last relationship...just trying to keep my eyes wide open on this one...
cj311:
I wondered about this too not long ago and occasionally think about it still. I met a guy on line last year who was separated and in the process of a divorce when I met him. He was alone for 8 months before I met him and did not date anyone else. After 2 months of dating he wanted to be exclusive, and after 6 months he was talking about living together. I told him I was concerned with him not being out of a relationship long enough to be with just one person agian, and if we were together after a year I think it would be appropriate at that time. This was his response: he took 8 months to get over his past situation and he wanted to make sure before putting himself on the dating market agian. It has been a year now and we just moved in together.
Don't get me wrong it has been a challenge, his X wanted him back but he made it clear that he did not want to be with her. She went to great lengths to try to break our relationship up, including talking "24 tylonol" then calling him to ask if it was enough to kill her (we called 911), kicked her daughter out of the house who is 15. Actually went to his work to tell him she didnt want us to move in together and what she can do to change that. If he gave in to one of her request, it would have been over for me but he has not. I think you just need to watch his responses to her demands, that should say it all.