How to learn patience in dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
How to learn patience in dating
7
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:08am
When something is going good, feels good and is basically awesome while dating, I tend to become attached pretty quick. Not clingy type attached or crazy or anything but I'm a true Cancer and when I care about someone, I care deeply. So, how does one learn to be patient and let the process play itself out? I tend to be intense and thus, things don't work out. I'm dating someone who has valid reasons for wanting to take things slow to ensure a lasting relationship in the end. This is all great but my inner self is saying "now, now NOW!" which really, isn't even what I necessarily want! (okay...maybe I really am crazy? lol!) I'm really trying to learn how to slow my inner self down so to give my great relationship a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:12am
well what is it that you want now that he is not giving you? How long have you 2 been dating? Are you exclusive? Do you know that he does want the relationship to last?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:27am
We've been dating two months. Its not so much what he isn't giving me or even about exclusivity, but I get attached very quickly and when things aren't moving quickly, I tend to sulk--and I hate when I get like that because I know its irrational. I know this man cares deeply for me too but he has a lot on his plate. He has also been divorced for 4 years and been through some bad relationships so I completely understand why he would want to take things slowly. I am still dating other people, more to keep my attention needs (and I'm not talking sex here)in check than anything else. Not sure if he is doing the same or not. Its still an early relationship but I'm attached to him and trying not to mess things up by chasing too hard. I know without doubt that he wants the relationship he just wants it to last. He says too many people move too quickly and end up unhappy and things don't last. He wants to develop a strong relationship that will last. So do I...I just get anxious for some reason, thus my need to learn patience....
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:44pm

Respectfully, I don't think you should be chasing him at all. That gets old and can sabatoge your relationship. You might be surprised if you give him some distance how he will react by wanting to be with you more.

You might want to seek some counseling for your attention needs, esp. if you are having to date other men just for attention. You may learn to give yourself the attention you need. If you do end up with this guy, he will never be able to give you as much attention as you apparently need right now. I am the same way, so I have to work on this, too. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:13pm
Hi. I read through the posts and after I read you guys have been dating two months I had to wonder. Why is it that you arent exclusive? And what would exclusive mean to you two if you were? Would you calm down if that were the case? I dont see being exclusive as being a committment that is heavy but just an agreement that you wont be dating or physically engaging in any way with other people. It is basically a way of telling someone that you find what the two of you have to be something that has enough potential to pursue without distraction. Once you know where your heart is leading, I would think that dating other people for no reason just increases your anxiety and it certainly brings in other peoples' feelings that dont belong (that would also increase my anxiety)...
As my current bf said in the beginning of our relationship - there is plenty of time in life to assess people one by one in our lives. I dont see what the point of dating lots of people at once is unless you arent looking for something serious to start with. I get that you need to date people to find someone with whom you might want to embark on something but after you have, why keep other dates going except for selfish reasons?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:40pm

What I've learned is that when one gets "attached" to someone early on, it's not really so much the PERSON, the individual, we are attached to as our perception and *projection* of how we think he is. You can't really KNOW someone well after such a short time, so if you think about it, how CAN you really be attached to him (or he to you)? So what I do (since I've had that same issue in the past) is remind myself early on in the relationship (and I mean through 6 months or so), every single day and several TIMES a day if necessary, that "it's early yet, yes, he *seems* great but time will tell". I think it takes a good 4-6 months of dating regularly to even BEGIN to see the real person as opposed to the "best foot forward" dating persona. So I also take everything that happens or is said in the first few months with a huge grain of salt.

And I also find that not sleeping with someone until we've been dating for a couple months helps me maintain a certain level of objectivity that I lose when I do have sex with someone.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 5:19pm

Lawgirl5,

Wow, when I read this post, it sounded so much like myself and how I'm feeling right now. (BTW, I'm a Cancer too...so I can totally understand your empathetic, mothering and caring nature =D). I've been seeing this guy for over two months now, but the only difference is that we're exclusive.

I've asked myself a similar question today; that is, "how do you get unattached to a person?"

I guess, the only suggestions that I can make right now are to keep yourself as busy as possible. Right now, I'm doing some volunteer work and I want to start taking a belly dancing or yoga class for meditation. Go out with friends as much as you can, and if you're by yourself, do things you wouldn't normally pick up. I am trying to re-learn how to draw, I play a few video games, read, learning a new language, etc.

And I've also learned that, although communication is key in relationships, many guys still want their space and freedom (the "zip it up tight" technique, as I call it). So why don't you use this as a cue to give yourself a break from him as well?!

Hope this helps somewhat =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 6:30pm
I'm beginning to believe that maybe the beginning stages of dating shouldnt require that much patience. If it's right if should be easy. If there is too much conflict early on then it could be that the couple is not compatible. Dating is supposed to be fun right? Having to HAVE patience is not fun...I can see needing to have some patience once you are married, or even in a serious dating relationship...but in the first few months, things are supposed to be good...