how to let go?
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how to let go?
| Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:04pm |
i have been seeing my old high school boyfriend for about three years now. we have never lost touch with each other since then (we graduated in 93 and i have known him since 91). and about 3 years ago we started seeing each other again. at first it was cool and we even discussed becoming a couple. so for all this time we were just dating and being intimate with each other. so get this: a year ago i am on the phone with him and i asked him what his plans were for the weekend. his response ? : "i am going on a date". i was crushed!!!! well that made me want to question what the hell we were doing so i got up enough nerve to ask him how he felt about me and where we were headed. he said that he really likes me BUT i am not the one for him. Again i was crushed but still not ready to let go. he ended up going on his date with this psycho chick and nothing ever developed between them. so then i decided that its time for me to just cut him loose cause obviuosly i was wasting valuable time with him so then i met someone else....well thats when he got pissed!!!! then the "i am not the one for him" changed to " i am confused and i am not sure of what i want" and "sometimes he thinks i may be the one". of course me being the hopeless romantic fell for that and i stopped paying attention to the other guy. So here we are a year later still in the same rut, i am still sort of seeing him, he is still saying the same crap, and everytime i meet someone else i am still holding on to a hope that me and my "old school" partner will be more than just "friends with benefits". everytime i decide to put my foot down he has this pull on me that brings me back. i cant shake it. and i really want to. all he has to say is that he misses me and he wants to spend time with me ( no not just to have sex, but i am not going to lie, that is a factor), and he says stuff like "we dont spend enough time together" and then i am right back to square one. i just need suggestions to help me let go. cause i know this relationship is toxic for me right now. i already feel stupid for being in this for so long and i want to get out of it . HELP. oh yeah and everytime i tell him we need to stop having sex, he says he understands and respects that and just as long as we can still be friends . but at this point i am just so devastated i dont know if i could be friends cause it hurts soo much. HELP!!!!! also after the psycho chick he met 2 others and nothing ever developed between them and honestly in my mind i am thinking that the reason why is because WE are meant for each other. i know that sounds crazy so i needs as much help as i can get.

In my opinion you have found the most toxic relationship possible.
It should make you angry that he plays with you like a toy- not sad. I'd tell him to F off if I were you.
The only way to see your way out of this is to stop all communication for at least a month. You have to get a clear perspective of the situation and that means stepping out of it for a while. This will be quite difficult because he doesn't seem to want to let you go out and be happy. That is not because he loves you and is "the one" it is because he is a man and sees you as "property" and not a person. He gets off knowing that he can have you anytime he wants and he manipulates you for the fun of it. This should make you angry, get angry. You are better than the way he treats you!
Stop all contact- Don't tell him that you are distancing yourself from him, just do it. If he calls, tell him you'll call him back and then don't and for goodness sake don't feel bad about it. Let it be your secret that you are calling the shots.
Revel in the power you have taken back, let it guide you to a better self.
When a guy in unsure this long, he either needs major help And/OR just wants you around for comfort and security to have someone there.
The only way he will ever make a decision and you will regain your sanity - is to let him go , yes, but also cut him loose. Meaning setting your boundaries. This is very important because he knows how to manipulate you into satying in this same place.
If it were meant to be, then it will or would happen.
When I am in limbo or see someone in limbo like this, it really tells me there is a big lesson ot be learnt. What is it here? Maybe you are to learn to let go so the next guy that comes along your boundaries are firm - and you are able to havea better rs than thsi one.
Anyhow, its unhealthy and I know how confusing this can be. Just let him go, you really don't have anything to loose. the up/down yo'uve felt for a year has got to have made you emotionally exhausted. Give yourself a break and you will feel so much better once you cut him loose.
Do you want to be the side dish, or MAIN dish?
You have said that you don't want to have sex with him and cannot be friends with him because it is too much. Listen to your own words. You are your own best counsellor in this situation. You may be embarrased that you have allowed it to go on so long, but that doesn't mean you can't stop it. It's not about how this GUY feels- it's about YOU. Once you get this guy out of your life you can be open to having the right guy come along. You deserve respect- go out and get it! Stop calling, stop emailing, don't take his calls, do not respond to him. He doesn't NEED an explanation as to why you would *suddenly* drop him- he knows how he has been treating you all along.
Pull yourself up and be proud of who you are.