How to let go and move on??-
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 9:33pm |
How does one let go of someone and move on with their lives? The memory of my ex is still so firmly etched in my mind. I know there is no hope of us ever getting back together again. He dashed that hope on Thursday night when I went to his place to pick up some meds that I left there.
Ever since my last posting, I have tried to keep a low profile for about three weeks. I miss him a lot. I think about him often and wish that there was a way to reconcile. I dont think his mom read the letter I sent her because she has been out of town for the last few weeks. I have a sinking feeling that he maybe wanting to date someone else. Only reason I know is because he still has my cell phone. I am letting him keep that for the time being, why I dont know. I still care about him deeply and wish things could be different. He has been good about only using my free night and weekend minutes. He has been calling this certain number for hours every night. The number belongs to a guy I know from Faire. He has two daughters, one married and the other one is not. They were all nice to me at Faire and wanted me to be friends with them, but I wasnt that into Faire this summer. My ex wanted me to make friends with them too. I probably should have.
Brian, my ex's best friend, has apparently decided not to help me out. He did tell my ex I called him a few times, but he never told him about the dinner that I went out to with him. I dont understand why Brian led me on to believe I could have a chance with my ex.
I kept a low profile until this past week. I was starting to get over my ex, but things in my apartment and around the city make me think of him and make me miss him. I called my ex on Thurs afternoon, at work, looking to pick up some medication I left at the house. He was pleasant on the phone with me and asked how I was doing. I told him that I needed my meds and he said I could come down to pick them up that night since he was going to be at home alone and he had to pack since he was going somewhere for the weekend. I was happy to be able to go down to see him. When I got to his place, he seemed distant with me. He also seemed nervous around me and would not look at me in the eyes. I tried to be nice to him and not bring up the relationship. I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat, he said no, he didnt want to play a computer game either. He always used to complain that I would not play computer games with him. I was just trying to be friendly to him. He was willing to talk. We talked about our relationship. He told me that he knew I was trying to contact some of his friends. I told him why. He wasnt upset about that. We talked about what we had been doing since our breakup. He told me he had been trying to make new friends, get his life together, pay his bills, get his artwork together, etc. I told him that I was trying to make friends too, had been getting involved with some people from a guinea pig site. We talked about our relationship and I asked him again if there was a chance for us to get back together. He said "no" that we are too different and I have too different of a mindset and that I had my own ways of doing things. I told him that I was sorry for closing him out and for taking him for granted. He acknowledged that but still dont want a relationship. In a way, he was cold to me about some things too. I asked him about what happened to the gift I had given him the last time I saw him. He told me he left it at his friend's house and that he didnt want it. The way he said it was so cold, like he could care less about me. I will never understand this, this coming from a guy who is compassionate, loving, close to his friends, emotional, and understanding of what it is like to be rejected. I did ask him if he had a potential gf in mind and he said "no" that he was concentrating on his own life for once and trying to get it together. I dont believe him. I just cant believe he would lie to me like that. Through our whole relationship, he never lied to me, but now he lies.
I asked him if he wanted to keep the phone for a while, and he told me that he wanted to keep it for a while longer and that he would give it back to me. He also told me that he has been good about the phone, and he has. As the night wore on, some people called him on the cell. He never answered it, just talked to me. But he was nervous, kept looking at his watch. I asked him if he wanted me to go. He said "no" that he liked talking to me. We talked about stuff, relationships, etc. I didnt know what else to say to him. I kinda desperately asked him to sleep with me again but he said it would not be a good idea since it would cause trouble for the both of us.
When I left, he was still nervous but he told me that he wanted to stay friends with me and that he would pay me back the money whether I lived here or moved away. He said he wants to stay on friendly terms with me. Why I dont know. I asked him if I moved away could I ever come back to visit him, and he said "yes" but depending on how his life situaion was going at the time. I later found out that he went and called that number and was on the phone with somebody from there for over an hour, later on that night.
I have to move on. I am just kinda hurt how this just all turned out like this way. I never knew that he could have it in him to be so cold and unfeeling to me, when before he chased me hard to get me to open up to him, to love him, etc. He has always been dumped by other girls and I am the first woman he has ever dumped. How the hell did he learn to be so cold and detached??? from his friends????
How does one move on??? I am still hurt by him and I think of him a lot. I have tried to get myself involved with other things like people from the guinea pig rescue. The winter is coming, weather is cold and dreary out there, the holidays are coming, and my best friend is moving away in less than two weeks. I am so scared.
I may end up moving away with my best friend and starting my life over again, just to forget about everything that happened here. The hearbreak is too fresh and too deep. Memories about here, esp in my place. I am trying to look for a new bf, have checked out online dating sites, but the heart is not in it.

True, sometimes you have to be cold to someone so as to get the other person to let go. I feel sad about all this because for about six months I was cold to him and pulled away from him because I could not understand why I lost my feelings for him. He chased hard but I didnt change my attitude towards him. I think that helped to kill his love for me. I still will never understand why I did that. I am very angry at myself for doing that.
It is just that the memories are killing me right now. I look at my apartment and things around here remind me of him. Places around here remind me of him. It is scary. I never had to deal with this. Also, my best friend is moving away in a matter of days and that scares me too. Too much at one time.
My first suggestion would be to get that phone back from him ASAP or get it turned off. You are too tempted to check who he is calling and that is sucking you back in to this relationship.
Next, please make some new friends and get involved in new things. You are off to a good start with the little pigs, maybe some other groups would help you keep your mind off this man.
No contact, no calling, no visiting.
I know it's hard, but I think you know in your heart he was not the right guy for you.
As for the memories:
Hope this helps.