How long do u casually date until more?
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How long do u casually date until more?
| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:43pm |
I've been seeing this guy for over 3 months. We slept together the very first night only b/c I just got out of an unfufilling relationship & I really wanted that affection & intamacy. I thought that was it but he kept calling. At first I wasn't really into it b/c I did just break up with my ex. This new guy lives in another state & I met him where I live b/c his business is here. So we spent 3 weeks together & we really had a great time. He went home & called me or text me almost everyday. He came back again & we spent two days together & this time when he went back home I've only heard from him a few times. I feel like I've made more of an effort to contact him this time. Only because I felt like we didn't have to play games & I feel comfortable with him. I feel myself actually liking him now. I even asked him how he felt about me coming out to where he is for a weekend & he said he definitly wanted me too but to wait till the end of fall. He says he misses me when I do talk to him. He's very busy with this new buiness so I completly understand but at the same time I wonder how long could this go on before I ask for soemthing more. Should I just go with it & see what happens? But at the same time I'm kind of not happy about him not making such an effort to contact me. I've tried to even tell him I didn't know about the long distance thing & he doesn't want that. He told me he's nto seeing anoyone else but me etc. I jsut wonder is it possible to be with someone liek this in hopes that something more could come of it? I know I'm kind of rambling but I hope someone can give me advice. I'd also liek to get back to him calling me a little more. What should I do?

Did you ever ask him what type of relationship he's looking for, as you've been advised previously (and not just by me ;-))?
If someone only wants a casual relationship, the length of time that you're in the relationship isn't going to change that.
Sheri
People can causally date as long as they want to, as long as that's what both people want from the interaction. There isn't always going to be a "more" and if there's an assumption of "more" ... that can be a problem.
I think it would be wise to ask yourself "do I really want a LDR?" ... "is that going to be ENOUGH for me?" ... regardless of how you're feeling about this guy or him missing you ... if you know that LDR isn't going to be enough for you ... if you're always going to be wondering "when will we see each other again?" or "how come he isn't calling as much?" ... is that going to be enough for you?
It takes a lot of work and communication to keep something like this going ... much less GROWING.
Personally, I think LDR has a better chance of success when both people have actually maintained a geographically-close relationship prior to one party moving. Because, with that, you've already had a chance to be TRULY part of that person's life ... dating on a regular basis, spending quality time with other person's family and friends.
I did something like this a long time ago. Met a guy on vacation, hit it off ... but, he lived 400 miles away. But, we talked on the phone a lot, and managed to see each other every few weeks or so (his friend worked for an airline, and I travelled on business to his area quite a bit ... suddenly found myself "volunteering" to go on these biz trips, ha! ... and I'd go the evening before or come back on the first flight the next morning). And, while he'd come down for a weekend ... or I'd go up there for a day and half or so .... it just wasn't ENOUGH. It wasn't personally fulfilling ... because it kind of felt like a "rendezvous relationship."
And, reason I saw that is because ... since we'd never known each other on "common turf" ... we never really had a chance to build a foundation of a relationship FIRST.
So, anyway ..... I think LDR can work if there was already a relationship and a commitment prior to the distance ... but, in these types of situations ... where you've never really had a chance to interact in each other's daily lives, on common ground ... it's kind of just a fantasy relationship ... you like how you feel about each other, and with each other ... but, not a lot of opportunity to build that foundation that is so important in a stable relationship.
I know that this probably wasn't HUGELY encouraging ... but, having BTDT ... I do think it's more of an illusion than a reality.
Long distance is not the easiest way to begin a relationship. I understand he's bus (does he say when things might ease up?)
I agree with you guys. The thing is he was in Florida for 4 weeks when I initally met him so we spent a lot of time together. Then he went home to California for a month & called me almost everyday so here I was thinking this could work if it continues like this. Then he came back & we spent the weekend together before he left again. I was okay with that. THen he called me 2 times in 3 weeks. So last night I told him I wasn't interested in this anymore. He was like "Baby what's up? Please don't stress" I told him I wasn't & that I feel like he's dropped off the face of the earth & forgot about me. He said he wished I didn't feel this way but understands & then said he did miss me but a lot of things are out of his control. So I just told him how I felt. That I know when someone is interested in me & you find the 10 minutes to mnake a call. I told him that he had no problem calling me alomost everyday before this last trip back home for him. I told him that I'm not ok with him leaving to go home & forgetting about me. And I'm not okay with him coming back into town & pick up where we left off with out talking inbetween, & I don't want that.
I'm 32 years old & I don't want to get involved with someone casually that if I let it, it could go on for who knows how long. I do like him & that's only natural but I can't just go along with something I don't feel comfortable with. If I didn't care & was like whatever I'll jsut keep sleeping with him when he comes into town then that's one thing but I was developing feelings for him & I am just not made like that.
<< The thing is he was in Florida for 4 weeks when I initally met him so we spent a lot of time together. Then he went home to California for a month & called me almost everyday so here I was thinking this could work if it continues like this. >>
Keep in mind, that him spending a month where you live isn't the same as KNOWING a person on "common turf" ... you got to know him on "your turf" ... but, you really have no idea, at this point, what his life is like on HIS turf, kwim?
<< Then he came back & we spent the weekend together before he left again. I was okay with that. THen he called me 2 times in 3 weeks. >>
Calling everyday is a difficult routine to maintain. However, 2x in 3 wks is next to nothing ... so, it went from everyday to almost nothing ... so, of course, you're going to be wondering! More than likely, he was "overwhelmed" by whatever was going on at home ... which you have NO idea of how his life is in California ... (and besides, guys aren't GREAT at multi-tasking) ... when/if a woman is a priority in his life, he'll make the time to call ... but, since you're not around ... the priority can easily slip when stress or other external factors come into play ... so, the lack of contact is going to be taken more personally than if you were there to know what his life is really like or had the "background knowledge" of his daily life because you've participated in it before, right? That's why starting out a relationship this way puts both parties at a disadvantage, kwim? Because you really DONT KNOW what he's got going on or what his life is really like on a day-to-day basis.
<< And I'm not okay with him coming back into town & pick up where we left off with out talking inbetween, & I don't want that.>>
But, that's what I was talking about before ... it's a "rendezvous relationship" ... the illusion of a relationship becomes more REAL when he's in town and you pick back up where you left off ... but, then he leaves and the illusion goes away and you're back to reality of "is he wondering about me?", "why isn't he calling me?" ... now, I'm not saying there aren't REAL feelings ... i have no doubt there are (based on recalling my experience with something like this) ... but, feelings are not facts ... and fact is, unless you have a foundation already built on "common ground" ... where you can both see how the other person's daily lives are, where you can see how the other person deals with curveballs, stress, conflicts in their life, their job, friends, family, etc ... basically, REAL LIFE stuff ... having had the benefit of experiencing those ups 'n downs .... it's VERY difficult to START a relationship this way ... regardless of whether or not you talk everyday ... because even talking everyday isn't experiencing what the other person's life is really like.
Good luck to you!!
i was in an LDR(broke up 2 days ago) and believe me, i totally get where you are coming from. i have the same thoughts about an LDR. very uncomfortable with it. especially, when it's a budding relationship, and NOT an established relationship. it's tough! both have got to keep the effort goin on, and have to stay in regular touch! he contacted u twice in 3 weeks? he is making u starve! are you sure he is REALLY interested, or just using you as someone he can be intimate with from time to time? i am sorry if i sound cynical, but it is true with some guys! guys can get very hooked if they expect sex out of a relationship. by keeping you hanging, he is doing injustice to you, your emotions, and your life.
you asked him if you could visit him, and he said to delay it? that is not a good sign in my book.
if you are not feeling satisfied with the level of his involvement, and are uncomfortable with the infrequent visits, then don't torture yourself. he seems to be taking it very casually. end it before you waste more time with the wrong person. that is my advice.