How long before establishing exclusivity
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How long before establishing exclusivity
| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:00pm |
What I want to know is at what point or timeframe is it reasonable to bring up or expect exclusivity? I know a lot of you out there will say that you must have the talk before sex but it is a little too late. I didn't expect us to be much more than a fling when we met but it is turning into a lot more. We have been together a little over 4 months and date regularly. We are starting to spend longer and longer periods of time together (at least one whole weekend day) and we do things with other couples. It feels like a relationship but we have not had an exclusivity talk. We get along great and I don't want to create pressure but I am struggling with the uncertainty. At 4 months shouldn't he know if he wants to be exclusive? (He spends most of his free time with me) I've been told that I should let things progress naturally and let him bring it up but it hasn't happened. Do I need to be patient and give it a little longer or bring it up now?
Thank you all for taking the time to help me in this matter. :)

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I would not only ask him about exclusivity and monogamy (two different issues; the first is dating others, the second is sleeping with others), but also about what type of relationship he's looking for to see if the two of you are on the same page.
I would have brought it up LONG ago personally, as I wouldn't dream of spending four months of my life dating someone who wasn't on the same page with me as to what he wanted out of a relationship.
Any suggestions about what to say and what not to say?
And, as a precaution, steel yourself for whatever he says!
Good luck! Let us know what happens.
To me, dating is the process by which you get to know someone well enough to decide if you want to be in an exclusive
"To me, dating is the process by which you get to know someone well enough to decide if you want to be in an exclusive relationship with them".
Well, to some people, "dating" means just going out with someone of the opposite sex, not necessarily with any romantic or sexual interest or intent. I know one woman who says sure she "dates" other guys when she is involved in a sexual relationship. But these other "dates" are not people she regards as romantic interests.
"I don't sleep with the men I'm dating; sex only comes into play if I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone."
So what does an "exclusive relationship" mean to you?
"By contrast, I had a relationship about four years ago where we were sexually monogamous but agreed that we were free to date other people. That didn't work for me so I ended it."
What does it mean to be sexually monogamous but free to date other people?
Does that mean you agree to sleep with only one person but you're both looking around for someone else? Or what?
And why didn't that "work" for you?
A couple more thoughts that will hopefully clarify things:
1.
"In the sexually monogamous but not exclusive relationship I described we agreed to only sleep with each other but we still had the option of dating other people (to see if there was a better match for him out there) as he wasn't ready to stop doing so (his excuse was that he'd been burned in the past by agreeing to exclusivity too soon). I get emotionally attached to men I'm sleeping with so that didn't work for me."
That's what I suspected. Actually, I can't imagine sleeping with someone while still looking around for someone better or having the partner look around for someone better. (You said above that the purpose of the arrangement was so HE could look for someone better.)
Personally, when I was in the business of looking for someone, I pursued only one romantic interest -- and I mean romantic interest, not just after the stage of sleeping together -- at a time. And pretty much expected the same. At first, I found it was too difficult pursuing multiple interests -- inevitably, someone got hurt quite a lot. Later, after learning a bit more about things, the problem was finding ONE romantic interest, not multiple!
But that was a long time ago. Things seem to be different nowadays, especially with on-line dating. It seems almost like supermarket shopping. It strikes me as very cold.
And before I came of age, things were different still. Back before the sexual revolution. From what I can tell, in the 50s, people dated multiple people. But sex was a no-no, or at least a very big deal. Even kissing and making out were considered a big deal.
So jealousy and betrayal were much less of a factor in people's emotions, I believe. Having someone you were "dating" go out with someone else to a movie wasn't a big deal. But that was before my time, I am only surmising what it was like from knowing people who were there.
My strong impression is that jealousy, including murderous jealousy, are much more prevalent nowadays than before. I attribute this mostly to the sexual revolution -- I can't think of anything else.
When it comes to sex, I think you can and should be more straightforward. You might say: "For myself, you know I'm only sleeping with you. And I'm really not interested in continuing the sex unless you will be exclusive with me, too." At the very least, these questions will get you 2 talking.
Of course, like the other poster said, you should be prepared for him to be noncommittal, which probably means he is seeing someone else, and possibly sleeping with her(them) too. Just remember that you don't have to continue ANYTHING with this man if you are uncomfortable with an "open" arrangement.
I hope the conversation goes well for you.
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