How long before establishing exclusivity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
How long before establishing exclusivity
18
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:00pm
What I want to know is at what point or timeframe is it reasonable to bring up or expect exclusivity? I know a lot of you out there will say that you must have the talk before sex but it is a little too late. I didn't expect us to be much more than a fling when we met but it is turning into a lot more. We have been together a little over 4 months and date regularly. We are starting to spend longer and longer periods of time together (at least one whole weekend day) and we do things with other couples. It feels like a relationship but we have not had an exclusivity talk. We get along great and I don't want to create pressure but I am struggling with the uncertainty. At 4 months shouldn't he know if he wants to be exclusive? (He spends most of his free time with me) I've been told that I should let things progress naturally and let him bring it up but it hasn't happened. Do I need to be patient and give it a little longer or bring it up now?

Thank you all for taking the time to help me in this matter. :)

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:36pm

Yeah, well that's why that didn't work for me!


What I and most of the women I know do is most akin to 50s-style dating, since no sex is involved in the dating stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:59pm
northwest -- It sounds cold because if you and your partners are pursuing several romantic relationships at once, neither can really open up fully in any one of them. Inevitably, it leads to hurt feelings when one decides to discard one person for someone else. People don't have to be sleeping together for this to happen!

At least, that was my experience. I remember once where I was really, really interested in someone else, and she in me. The only problem was she was supposed to be marrying another guy! (Talk about confusion!) So, I went "shopping around" and found a number of takers. One was a very sweet girl I made out with a few times. When I dropped her, she was devastated, thinking she had meant a lot more to me than that. The next one after her was not too thrilled either -- though she had less reason to complain, for reeasons I won't go into.

And, even if all this discarding and dumping doesn't occur, the potential is ever present. Let's say it seems a certain level of trust is impossible.

It felt just as bad or worse when I was doing the discarding. I came to the conclusion that it was best not to do things that way. I never had any regrets.

That doesn't necessarily mean I didn't see other women casually. Just not as romantic partners or potential romantic partners. There was even one case where I knew a married couple, both a few years older than I. When he was away, sometimes his wife and I would go out if there was something interesting and we didn't want to go alone. All three of us knew about it and seemed to be OK with it. From my point of view, it was perfectly innocent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:07pm
I think there is a very thin line between casual dating and dating someone to see if they are a fit as a romantic partner. What defines the difference between the two? Don't you have to date casually before determining that this person is a potential partner?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:14pm

Well, yeah, that goes without saying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:22pm
Orchid -- in the post of mine you referred to (.13) I think I only mentioned the word "casual" in connection with my married friend. And no, we weren't looking at each other as potential romantic partners. What I had in mind in that paragraph was being in a romantic relationship with one person and seeing other people for no other purpose than having a non-romantic interest. These might be people I'd known for a long time, or new people.

The question you ask is a good one, though -- what is the difference between casual dating and dating to see if someone is "fit as a romantic partner"? I suppose one difference is it depends on how much interest there is. For example, if two people have a very quick infatuation or "love at first sight" -- then they may be be seeing each other subsequently to see if they are fit as romantic partners -- but already in effect be in an intense relationship -- I would say that is anything but "casual". Certainly, if I were in such a situation -- and I have been -- I wouldn't have much desire to see someone else as a potential romatnic partner.

I suppose I would think of "casual dating" as just seeing someone to get to know them, to see if there is any romantic spark at all -- or to see if that person is of interest in other ways -- there are many ways for people of the opposite sex to be interesting to each other.

I don't know if that makes what I am thinking clearer or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:23pm
,,,,,


Edited 3/23/2004 3:28 pm ET ET by mmsavannah
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:31pm

To me, it's a difference of intent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:34pm
Northwest -- whatever works for you. All I can tell you is what worked for me, and didn't. As I said, that was a long ways back. What worked for me may not be what worked for other people, I really don't know, now or then.

I look at how things are nowadays -- for my young relations -- and it seems terribly difficult. People seem to have terrible trouble establishing stable relationships that last. It especially seems to have a hard effect on women, who seem to be a lot more unhappy with things after a certain number of years have gone by than the men are. Maybe I'm seeing through shaded glasses.

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