How long is normal before the "L" word?
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| Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:45pm |
I've been seeing my beau for about 4 months now, and we are very close. We really enjoy each other's company, and talk every day. We just went to Hawaii last week and since we've been back, I've been feeling really weird. I miss him a lot, and have been thinking that I might actually love him. I kind of brought up the topic with him and he went on to say that he is determined to take this slowly, he doesn't want to mess things up with me the way he has in previous relationships (he was married before and they rushed into it very fast). He said normally he'd have asked the girl to move in or something by this point, but he's going to be cautious this time. He has 3 kids from that marriage (joint custody) and I totally understand that we need to be careful not to rush too much for their sake (I wouldn't move in yet even if he asked), but I'm a little puzzled that he hasn't at least told me he loves me. It seems like he does - he tells me everything that he doesn't tell other people, he looks at me like I'm the Mona Lisa, I've met his kids (and we get along really well), he's met my parents, I'm meeting his this week - but he doesn't say he loves me. Not that I'm really expecting it or even wanting it yet - we both had major breakups about a year ago, and we're both a little scared and nervous because of that. But I'd like to know how he feels. Plus, I don't want to let myself fall too hard if he doesn't feel the same way about me.
Also confusing me is the fact that a friend of mine met a girl about 2 weeks after I met my guy. They are MADLY in love, practically living together, talking about marriage and baby names, and spend every waking minute together...I kind of think that's a little unhealthy and obsessive, to be perfectly honest...but how is it possible that they might love each other when they have been together even less time than we have been?
So I guess my questions are two-fold:
1) What's the "normal" timeframe for people to realize they are actually in love? I don't think there's a standard "rule" about this, and don't want one, but I just want to get a feel for what a bunch of other people think on this issue.
2) In the absence of actually hearing the words, how can you tell when a man loves you?
Thanks...looking forward to reading replies
Kris

that's not an objective, reality based, discerning, factually assessing position from which to determine if you share values, standards, priorities, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.
That's an emotionally prioritizing position - but feelings are NOT facts, goals, calls to action, or used to determine what to do in situations because feelings are a result of situations nd situations are always changing - so feelings are always changing.
usually it takes about 6-9 months before everything that is said and done isn't deigned to impress and please you so that the desire for that person remains at a pique high - to keep those feelings on high heat.
After that - real life, real responsibility, goals, and situations emerge...and in those unconstructted and unrehearsed situations is when you see if the actions, decisions and words which are inspired by thier values, priorities and standards meet your standards and your needs appropriately.
He's got 3 kids....now, have you really sat down and thought this thru? Because hiskids are one aspect that you can't ignore - not that you're trying to.
Buthe's got 3 kids and if he's a responsible parent, it means that he's goingt o live in close proximity to those children and their mother for all their non-adult lives. He's going to interact with HER on a regular basis - you need to wrap your mind around that and not feel "unincluded" when they have issues to discuss based on the children that they share. It means that a big portion of his salary goes to support those kids. Not just child support - but if he's being financially responsiblee - he's preparing for any medical emergencies and for their higher education by saving. His having 3 kids....and his parenting them hopefully every day without you being involved at this point becuase you're NOT in a committed relationship and kids don't date - they attach......is something you should consider.
Because ideally, although it is rare to be a reality, he should be over there every morning and night - parenting his kids. Just becuase parents aren't together - doesn't mean that kids should be shortchanged, or lack nurturing, guidance, or mentoring and love.
So in having 3 kids....it is unlikely unless he's financially quite well off, that you have kids with him is a possibility, or at least a likelihood. and that's not just becuase of money.
what you haven't done...he has done - 3 times! He's been thru changing and feeding at 2am, he's beenthru the period where the wife doesn't "feel" likehaving sex or going out because she's tired from dealing wtih an infant. HE's been thru labor and delivery,he's been thru pregnancy and all the joys and frustrations of it....does he want to go thru all that again...withyou,if you want kids - and if you two can afford not just kids you two would have...but the ones he already has FIRST.
It's these kinds of issues that you haven't thought thru yet....because infatuation is in fully swing and you're not emotionally balanced as a result.
So, realize that being "in love" is a feeling...meaning it's feeling basedon situation and its foundation is "I love this situation based on what it brings to me that I want/need /prioritize/value". But "love" is not just afeeling - it's a fact.
It's foundation is admiration, respect, acceptance of this person for who they are - not what they bring to your world......and you'd respect and admire them basedon who they are - even if they weren't with you.
if tomorrow he ended it - -would you want to be friends becuase you admire and respect him as a person, would you congratulate him if he reunited with his wife, or found a new girlfriend? If not - you're might be "inlove" withhim = but you don'tlove him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Real life never really left us...we've been careful to ensure that we both keep up the activities and interests we had before meeting.
You probably shouldn't assume that I haven't thought about his kids. I've spent more time thinking about his kids than most anything else recently. It turns out that I really like them. And they really like me. I'm old enough that I'm perfectly comfortable with the idea that he has children. I am not frightened of the idea of being a stepmother. He has them about 40% of the time, and that's ok by me. They are wonderful kids, and I would be happy to share my life with them.
The financial aspect isn't an issue. He's quite well off and has a very good job. I can live with him having to deal with his ex. I am very friendly with my ex, and I can't possibly be jealous about something from the past. We actually ARE in a committed relationship. We decided about 2 months ago that we were going to see each other exclusively.
He's a wonderful father - I love seeing him around them because he's so great. He'd be a great dad for the kids we might have one day too. He is not there every morning and night though...do you really know anyone who does that? He has them about 45% of the time...which is more than most fathers get, as far as I know.
I asked him about 2 weeks after we met whether he'd be interested in having more kids in the future. He wants to be part of a "real family" again and would gladly have more children with me. Because that is important to me...I do want my own, as well as opening my arms to his "first" family. The way I see it is, he has experience now! He will know what to do when I don't have a clue! And he can definitely afford to support more than 3 kids. I just can't see a downside here.
So thanks for your feedback, but actually I HAVE thought of "these kinds of issues". I take a lot of pride in my emotional balance, and ability to think.
I have told him several times that the thing I like most about him is his mind. I like him as a person, and even if things between us don't work out, I still will think very highly of him and would want him to be happy. I'd be sad if he went back to his wife, or dumped me for someone else...very sad, because I think we do have a future. But I'd still want to be friends with him. I'm friends with my ex that I was with for 7 years.
We actually just used the "L" word two days ago. It was tempered, by saying "I think I'm falling in love with you", but we still said it, and both of us feel the same way.