How long should I wait?
Find a Conversation
How long should I wait?
| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:15am |
I've been in a long distance realtionship for the past 3 1/2 years with an old boyfriend from 20 years ago. The relationship is wonderful...we have a lot in common, get along great, understand each other, and are able to talk about anything without the other freaking out. My problem? Even though we're perfect for each other (he's told me that I'm perfect for him and I agree about him for me), he's told me that he's not able to make a commitment, live together, or get married. When we first got back together, he told me that even though his last marriage (we've both been in 2 marriages) was really bad, it didn't put him off on the idea of ever getting married again. It's only been in the past year that he's told me about this problem. If he were really honest with himself, I think he'd say that even though he can't make a commitment to me, he does feel a commitment. We don't see other people, we visit each other about every 3 months, talk on the phone most nights, and spend time with each others' families when we see each other. We're very involved in each others' lives. My family loves him and his family loves me. In fact, he told me that he considers me part of his family. My daughter (she's 14) and I are planning to move back to where I'm from next year (he knows this and is comfortable with it as long as I'm not doing it just for him which I'm not). He does have a problem saying "I love you" to me. It seems to be reserved for when I'm getting on a plane to go back home though he always shows me that he loves me in the way he treats me. I have asked him why he has a problem saying the words but he's never really given me an answer though I've gotten the impression that it has to do with the fact that he can't make a commitment. If I bring up the subject of love, intimacy, etc. he will always talk to me about it. Three months ago, while I was visiting him, I asked him to marry me. After he got over the shock (and asking me if I was serious), he said that he would think about it. He came to visit me 2 weeks ago but didn't bring up the subject so I didn't. This week I brought up the subject of when I would visit him again and he was ready to see me the following weekend (a little impractical). I go back and forth over whether I should stay with him if he's not able to make a commitment. This is someone that I fell in love with over 20 years ago, I never stopped feeling that way and I don't believe he did either. We didn't have a bad break up...there were some problems that had nothing to do with us...more to do with bad timing. Sometimes I think that I'll be alright with not getting married (I'm past child bearing years so I don't have a biological clock ticking) but a big part of me does want more. I don't know if I'll be satisfied with just being in a relationship with him if that's all it'll ever be but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what. I know that he takes his time when making an important decision but he can be impulsive at times. How long is reasonable to wait for him to give me an answer and how can I make him understand that it's important to me for him to tell me that he loves me (even though I think I've made that clear). He has never told me that he loves me during or after we've made love. The closest that he's come is to ask me if I knew that he loves me. He's always been very honest with me but when it comes to the future, I have to be the one to bring it up because I know he won't. In many ways, I think he doesn't want a commitment because if it doesn't work out, he's afraid that he'll lose me and what we have.

Perhaps you could mention to him that there might be some way for him to work out old demons in order to express himself, without axiety or fear of the future with you. Maybe he should get some counseling to heal old wounds, and rid himself of those old insecurities that keep him from being totally free with you. When all is said and done, I'm sure it's not that he doesn't love you for all he's worth -- I think it's just that he has to be free to express it. He's just scared and cautious, and he really needs to move past all of that with professional help. It's only fair to the both of you. You both deserve to lead full, happy lives together, without any doubt or reservation. Good luck...