how long should we wait?
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| Sat, 06-23-2007 - 4:46pm |
So i started dating this great guy about two months ago...It went really well for the first month and then the second month things started dying down a bit. One of the reasons (and maybe only one) is that he has two jobs, one of which takes him out of town a lot and is quite physically demanding. He also has many meetings and physio appointments to attend for the this second job and all of this has really increased in the past month. So basically i was starting to feel like an after thought (figured if a guy likes you he will make the effort to call, even if its for a minute) even though i knew he liked me. I figured either he doesn't like me enough to make the effort or really can't handle all of these life/job pressures right now (he also just got notice to leave his house so has to find a new apartment).
So i told him last week that it wasn't working for me. That there wasnt enough time for us to get any kind of momentum going when we only saw eachother once a week and only spoke twice a week. I was just always feeling disappointed. He sounded pretty hurt, i don't think he realized (i guess life was consuming him) and felt badly. We weren't sure how to end the conversation, i told him to go do what he had to do and that maybe in a little while we can touch base and see.
And now its his bday today and i feel badly that i havent even called to say happy birthdya. I guess i am also confused about this. My thinking is that he needs time to figure out if he wants to make that extra effort to have me around. So i should probably just let it alone for a month or so right? Also, am wondering if i should apply the "he;s just not that into you" theory or if its possible for guys to really zone out when they are stressed??

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It sounds like the two of you are just not a good fit, at least not right now. I would let it be--you left the door open if things ever calm down for him, now it's up to him.
Sheri
Exactly!! Thats the thing...we expect different things than they do. In my past experience men deal with stress very differently. He was in a work situation where things were up in the air for several days and i didnt hear from him during that time. But once it was resolved he told me all about it. Whereas for women...i think we need to discuss all the time! But at the end of the day i told him it wasn't enough for me. I knew i couldn't control him in the situation so opted for doing what was best for me. I guess whether it works out or not and for whatever reasons at least i know i did the right thing for me. It either made it easy for him or he'll figure out what he needs to do in the future.
Thanks!
The thing is, is my boyfriend usually writes me back at least first thing the next day.. and I've not heard from him. So to me, it's out of the ordinary so I freak out. Whateverrr.
If you are not content with the amount of attention or attentiveness he is giving you now, then you may have met a guy whose career will take center stage for many years. If he is in medicine (you mentioned physio classes?) then he will expect you to take care of yourself emotionally and he will attempt to see you but his career will come first.
I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from him. It is a shame because you seemed to really like him.
You get to want what you want. If you don't want a man who doesn't have time to spend with you, then that's completely fair (although personally I'd be *delighted* right now to find a guy who was able to go out 1x a week--the guys I've been dating are more like 1x every 2-3 weeks! But I digress ;-)).
Better to move on to someone who doesn't have such a crazy schedule than be frustrated with this guy.
Now, if the 2 job situation was only going to be going on for a short time, then you might take that into account, but presumably you did factor that in before you decided to break things off, correct?
Sheri
Well it is seasonal but that part of his life is gearing up i think. And i didn't really break it off completely. I just thought he should concentrate on his work for now since its so consuming. I guess for me, when i really like someone i want to spend more than a few hours a week with them. I can't help it. Is it too demanding? Maybe. Is it fair? I don't know. But i feel horrible if i hurt him because that wasn't my intent. I don't want to be that flighty girl who doesn't know what she wants or what she deserves.
In the end the only solution in my mind is to wait a month or so and see how we both feel. Fully realising that he may not be interested anymore and i may have lost my chance. I guess life is just a gamble sometimes.
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