how long should we wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
how long should we wait?
16
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 4:46pm

So i started dating this great guy about two months ago...It went really well for the first month and then the second month things started dying down a bit. One of the reasons (and maybe only one) is that he has two jobs, one of which takes him out of town a lot and is quite physically demanding. He also has many meetings and physio appointments to attend for the this second job and all of this has really increased in the past month. So basically i was starting to feel like an after thought (figured if a guy likes you he will make the effort to call, even if its for a minute) even though i knew he liked me. I figured either he doesn't like me enough to make the effort or really can't handle all of these life/job pressures right now (he also just got notice to leave his house so has to find a new apartment).

So i told him last week that it wasn't working for me. That there wasnt enough time for us to get any kind of momentum going when we only saw eachother once a week and only spoke twice a week. I was just always feeling disappointed. He sounded pretty hurt, i don't think he realized (i guess life was consuming him) and felt badly. We weren't sure how to end the conversation, i told him to go do what he had to do and that maybe in a little while we can touch base and see.

And now its his bday today and i feel badly that i havent even called to say happy birthdya. I guess i am also confused about this. My thinking is that he needs time to figure out if he wants to make that extra effort to have me around. So i should probably just let it alone for a month or so right? Also, am wondering if i should apply the "he;s just not that into you" theory or if its possible for guys to really zone out when they are stressed??

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 12:10pm

I don't see why you're beating yourself up for wanting what you want. Better to let him go to find someone who is ok with his schedule than for both of you to be frustrated.

I guess I don't really see what good waiting a month is going to do however, if he's still going to be just as busy then--do you really think you're going to change your mind about the amount of time you want to spend with him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 7:01pm
I'm sorry, but I hate the whole "busy" excuse. I'm so over that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:51am
I'm sure you didn't hurt him. He is probably flattered that you like him so much. Your schedules are conflicting and you can wait a month and see if he changes his schedule but if he doesn't you still have to consider what you will do about the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:18pm
I think, though, that we need someone who is compatible with what we need. My boyfriend and I are in love and we talked almost every day from the beginning. There was never a big discrepancy in how much we wanted to talk or see each other. I think that if he had only called me/seen me once or twice a week, I would have lost interest after a month or two also. So maybe it's more of a compatibility issue than a male/female thing. Plus, if you saw an obvious decline in his attention, I think that's bad. Trust me, I understand busy at work, but I was working a full time job, another half-time job, and in the process of opening my own business, and I still made time for my boyfriend. Some days all he got was a 5-minute call in the car while I raced from one job to another, or me coming to his house after a 16-hour day and collapsing in exhaustion into his bed, but he did get that! And males are capable of the same. So I'm a bit iffy about the "busy at work" excuse. I think it can be a convenient way of slowing down a relationship...which, if you're ok with things going slowly, then rock 'n roll!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:10pm
I have dated a lot of losers and they nearly ALL used the 'busy' excuse. It is all just that; an excuse. Nobody is too busy to send a quick message at least. And men don't care about our feelings so why should we care about theirs?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 5:00pm
In addition to what you have experienced, there are guys who feel as though work is the center of their universe and a wife or love is always number 2 or 3 on list of priorities. Some are busy and just expect you to understand and be happy for the time you get from them. Many of those guys are just selfish and centered only on themselves.

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