How long should a woman wait

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
How long should a woman wait
11
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 12:37am

Generally speaking, how long can a woman go along with a guy hoping he'd commit, before she should REALLY get worried and think about moving on?

It has been 5 months with him. Is it too early for me to worry if he isn't ready to date seriously yet? Or should I wait and give him more time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 7:53am

gal_adri25...

PG knows that serious courtships can vary from 3 months to 3 or more years....so pinpointing a specific time frame is IMPOSSIBLE!

If you feel that the 5 months you've invested in your current relationship have been adequate without results---take a month or two off and make NO CONTACT! You can always date others if you wish?

One of 2 things will happen:

1. The man you've been with will ask WHAT'S WRONG and then...you can spill your guts to him about how you feel!

Or

2. You'll be dateless for a few Saturday nights because your silence will be his 'permission slip' to dump you!

Frankly...I don't think any man should be placed in the position of when to date. The question is...does he WANT to date at all? And if so...are you the woman that he'll automatically choose over everybody else?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:29pm

There is an important discussion the two of you need to have with both of you sharing your thoughts. The discussion is about life goals and priorities and how relationships fit into your life plan. This discussion is very general. It is not intended to be specific to the two of you at this time. This discussion will lead to learning if the two of you have life goals and priorities that can coexist in a complimentary way. You will learn if the two of you are on a similar path.

Many men will not formally commit until they have a solid understanding of your character, values, priorities, ethics and integrity. Five months is not enough time to gain that knowledge. It often takes 12 to 18 months to truely understand these things.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 1:34pm

Commit to what??? Exclusivity? Marriage? There's a wide range of commitment levels, so you need to be clear on what it is you are expecting him to commit to.

At 5 months, I think a commitment to dating exclusively would be appropriate. If the two of you are on the same page as to what your relationship goals are, then a commitment to be working towards those goals with each other might also be appropriate. Making a commitment to get married--not so much at only five months!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 3:30pm

Thank you all for your replies. PG, thanks for the specific, concrete idea about taking 2 months off with NO contact. I was looking for something like that. Sheri, yes, I want a commitment to date seriously, not marriage. Spiceman, you are so right about knowing what our life goals are. (Yet, I feel, life goals can be adjusted/changed IF both are serious about each other)

I want us to give us a chance to know each other exclusively. But he ends up asking me "What Next". I think he is afraid of the M word, and getting there at some point in time, and not being able to say a YES to me at that point, and hurting me more than he would hurt me, if he were to say NO Now, at this stage. That is what he told me.

He likes me, then why? I am perplexed.

I am afraid that if he sees me dating others, he will not bother pursuing me (even if he wishes to) thinking that I am happy, and that is how things are supposed to be. I am afraid that by dating others, I will mess what I have with him. Do I need to keep silent about my dating others, or do I need to tell him honestly that I am going out with other men? I don't wanna lie to him. Yet, some others have suggested that I should be mysterious and vague, which will make him wonder. I don't really believe in playing such games, but is that how it really works?

He also mentioned that he wont be ready for another 2-3 years. He just turned 26. I am 29. I wonder if age is a huge factor here. Is he too young? He seems confused. Each day is a battle between my mind and my heart. I love him, and yet, I know that hoping and wishing and calling him, and expressing my affection for him, is only leaving me disappointed at the end of the day. He reciprocates by calling, but he does not reciprocate emotionally. He just seems barren.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 4:20pm

I don't understand...why isn't he willing to date exclusively?

But whatever the reasons, if he's not willing to make even that low level of commitment, then you have no obligation to tell him you're dating other people...it's implicit that you are each free to do so if you don't have an agreement to date exclusively. Besdies, how can he expect YOU to be exclusive, if he's not willing to make that commitment?

Or am I missing something here?

Also, what won't he be ready for for another 2-3 years? That's not clear to me from your post.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 11:55pm

Hi Sheri,
I really don't know his real reasons. What I gather is he is not able to commit at this time. I think he is also scared of the M word even though I have made it clear I am in no rush. But he feels we will eventually reach there. It confuses me, because I know he has feelings for me, which he confessed himself. It also shows in his actions. But, he just can't commit to dating exclusively, and he says that I need to trust him in the fact that it's not me, it's him. Regarding the 2-3 year thing, I think he meant he won't be able to be serious about committing until that time. He is not a player, and has no other girl in his life. He just seems way too much into work these days, working day and night.

I spoke to him sometime back. I ended up opening the topic again and he felt like I was talking stuff we had already discussed before, and he did not seem too keen to discuss it again. I ended up telling him we need to be on a one month break with no contact because this situation is not doing either of us any good. He was silent for a long time, gave a sigh, and said okay. Thanks to PG for giving me that idea in his comment. I think this break will be useful.

It breaks my heart to think that I might be losing him, and we might never be a couple.
I guess time will tell what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 9:15am

gal_adri25...

A PS from PG:

The age factor between you really doesn't matter. When 2 people are honestly in love with one another, the numbers that are indicatedt on a birth certificate shouldn't determine the success or failure of a relationship.

Of course...there will always be a few family members, friends and business acquaintances (most of whom are basically STUPID) who will accuse you of "robbing the cradle?" But if you honestly think about it...the issue is none of their damn business, is it? IT'S YOURS AND THE MAN YOU THINK YOU'D LIKE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH?

With marriage...men aren't as eager to jump into the concept as women are. I think it's probably because "marriage takes us out of circulation?' We're relinquishing our single status in favor of spending quality time with a loving, caring, one-of-a-kind lady"---who can add more to our lives than we're currently receiving!

Some men are ready to make the change...others aren't! And this is probably the real reason why women get frustrated with us? They want us to outline and accept a future with them. The truth is...many of us DON'T REALLY KNOW IF A FUTURE WITH YOU IS WHAT WE HONESTLY WANT?

So saying nothing, being extremely vague, or just pleading 'stupidity' is an easier choice!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 10:16pm
I have to say I think if two people are spending a lot of quality time together over a long period of time (which for me is more than a month), and they're still off looking elsewhere, that is just not right. I personally think multi-dating makes people void of emotion and unable to attach to anyone. That's just my 2 cents worth. I think if it's meant to be it will work out easily from the beginning with no 'playing the field' games going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 9:20am

Honey, if this guy is 29 and he can't even commit to be in an exclusive relationship with you, then he may never be able to commit to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone.

An exclusive relationship doesn't always lead to marriage. In fact, I bet most exclusive relationships don't lead to marriage. An exclusive relationship only means that you won't date other people. I think this guy was enjoying your attention, your intimacy and sex with you, but keeping his options open to spend time with other women.

After 5 months you are worth more than that. Find a wonderful man who doesn't have commitment issues, there are many many of them out there.

IMHO, if a man is over the age of 25 and starts using words like "scared" or "not ready", run like the wind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:00am
Five months is not yet time to worry full out but you can definitely have a talk about his goals, where he might see this going,etc.
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