how long to wait?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
how long to wait?????
35
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:16am
How long do people usually wait before they move in and live with each other? Meaning how long do people date before deciding to move in with each other?

I know you guys all have said that my bf is like a little kid that doesnt want to grow up and that I cant change him, and that I cant expect any more from him, etc. I do listen to all you guys advice since you guys give good advice. I just feel sad and lonely and am seeking somewhat, to live with someone.

This whole past weekend and today has been just a disaster. I am angry, upset, sad, and worried. It all started out on Sat. My bf came down to stay with me over the weekend and on Sat morning, I took my two closest friends (they are two gay guys) to the airport. They were going to Asia on vacation. I was very sad to see my best friend go. I really wished I had decided to go with them on this trip. I cried a lot when he and his bf left.

When I got home, I realized my bf was up and that he knew I was crying. He wanted to know why and I told him. I was sad all weekend because I missed my best friend.

On Sunday, as I drove him home, I kind of threw a hissy fit. I got real emotional and told him that I was sick of driving him back and forth or coming back and forth to see him. It was taking a mental and physical toll on me. In order for me to see him, it is a two hour drive one way. I told him that I wanted him to move in with me and that I could help him out. We argued back and forth about moving in, the whole drive back to his place. He told me that he couldnt afford to move in with me, that he wanted to accomplish some things before he moved in with me, etc. He told me that he didnt think he could move in within 6 months or even a year. I told him that I put my plans on hold to move back to CA, because I wanted to see if I could have a relationship with him. I told him that I wanted to know if he was worth it or not, for all the stuff I put into this relationship. Yes, he does put a lot into this relationship too, but sometimes I feel as though I put in more. I dont know. He is kind, caring, and gentle to me. He treats me well and watches out for me.

Then he brought up the subject of my best friend, the gay guy. He still thinks I am in love with him because of the way I was this weekend when he went on vacation. yes, I do have strong friendship feelings for the guy but I have known him for almost 10 years and he has been there for me through thick and thin and I trust him. I finally was able to calm him down about that one, but he is afraid of how I am with my best friend. Yes, we argue a lot, yell at each otehr a lot, but we know each other well and know that although we may be angry with each other at that point, it doesnt mean we dont like each other.

I dont think my bf wants to live with me. I dont know if he ever will be able to. He says he wants to live with me but he wants to get some of his bills paid off, to get some of his art education done, and maybe get a better job. I am willing to compromise by moving to a border town, halfway between where I live now and where he lives. He could then take the train to work, but he doesnt seem like he wants to pay the $12 a day to do that, or to get up earlier to do that. I am not asking him to quit his job and move up by me. Last night, he was thinking I wanted that. I am trying to make concessions, but I dont know. I may let him somewhat move in with me, but have the option of living at home, meaning, I wont ask him to help me pay rent, but to help me keep house, etc. I dont know. He seemed sort of ok with that. Only bad thing is I would have to move down by him and then I would have to give up my job and find a new one, or do a two hour commute one way.

He says he hasnt known me long enough to move in with me since he thinks if we live together, we may doom our relationship. He is happy with the way things are progressing now. Do you guys think I am jumping the gun about moving in? should I let more time pass? I really want to move back to LA and now I feel as though if I put those plans on hold, this might not plan out.

I am truly and terribly confused. I really do like him and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and loves the relationship we are in, but why cant he trust me enough to think I wont hurt him????? I am really starting to think that his past relationship of 7 years has really poisioned the way he understands and looks at relationships.

I really want this one to work out and hope it can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:25am
hey Girl,

You are blaming everyone for your problems but you are the one that needs to sort you issues out first. You can't force someone to move in with you, you can't have feelings for someone you know who is gay. etc.

You need to get professional counselling to help you work out your demons.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:03am
His past relationship did not poison his views, he is responsible for his views. If you stay with him, it will be 7 years of this torture and then you'll realize what you've done and dump him, having wasted all that time.

Having someone move in with you when the relationship has all these problems and you are feeling so bad will be a DISASTER. No question, no doubts. This relationship will fail no matter what you do.

You are not capable of having a healthy relationship at this point. Based on what you have told us in your other post and this one, you need therapy really really badly. Preferably in CA while you are in the process of starting over. You know you are not happy... trust me, you never will be unless you sort through all these issues you have with a professional.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS GUY OR ANYONE ELSE. There is no time table appropriate for it in this situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:27am
I wouldn't move in with anyone unless we were engaged with a wedding date within 6 months of that time, period. I think given your behavior, you both should take a few months apart - you are being totally out of line in complaining to him that you put your LA plans on hold for him - you've been with him such a short time - that was your choice to do that, not his. He is telling you that he doesn't want to be in a situation where you are helping him out financially and I do not blame him one bit - good for him for not putting up with your pressure! He is happy with the way things are - his priority is himself - he wants to live free at his parents so he can pursue his art whenever he feels like it - or not - because there is no pressure in his situation and he can't handle the normal pressures of being an adult - taking care of himself financially and getting a job that allows him to be independent.

You need to lay off - and fast - I would run for the hills if I were he.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:52am
Look, he's perfectly content with things as they are in his life, in this relationship, etc. etc. etc He is NOT planning his life around your needs, wants, or requirements. Which is precisely as it should be.

You however, ARE planning your life around him, putting off a move and advancement, offering ot move to a more inconvenient location so that he could live at home and you'd drive less to see him, while he takes a train that he says he can't afford (listen to him, he can't afford $12 a day - which tells you the state of his financial abilities and how it would affect your options and financial security).

So, if this is NOT meeting your needs an standards - you need to find another boyfriend.

Here's the thing....your priority is him and a relationship.

His priority is "doing whatever he wants, whenever and however he wants". sometimes that includes you - sometimes it doesn't.

So, he's in the position of "superiority" in this relationship by default of your lack of self-identity and security.

Because more than anything else - more than an education, professional advancement, personal success and financial stability - you want HIM in your life.

But in his case...what he wants is options, ease, benefits, comfort, convenience, and opportunity - and for him to stay where he is, doing what he's doing, dating you as he is - he's got what he wants and then some.

So he doesn't have to change/compromise what he's doing or how - in order to get what he wants. Because he is not revolving his life around "you" and "a relationship".

But, you do have to constantly compromise and concede your options, future, and abilities - in order to get what you want in some very small percentage. Because you want "him" and in order to get him you've got to be available 24/7, willing to do whatever is required in order to see him for some period of time.

That's him and you - with two different sets of priorities. and like a very irate and upset "parent' - you've given, sacrificed, tolerated, endured, you've expended and altered your life - and now you're expecting a "good return" - and he's saying I don't want to move in with you yet if ever, I want to take things slow, don't want commitment and obligation.

And you're upset that in order to get what you want - him - you've got to not get anything else or have anything else of merit in your life. And you're even more upset that in order for him to get what he wants - ease, convenience, options, comforts, benefits, and opportunity - he doesn't have to "not do or give up" anything - he simply has to "live life as it is now going'.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:32pm
You're heading towards a bad ending if this keeps up... Move to Cali, live your life and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get help NOW. We all keep saying the same thing to you--PLEASE LISTEN this time.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:02pm
First and formost, you need to love your self and have self-respect. Understand that if he can't put you first then why should you. It's a two way street when it comes to relatiosnhips. You can't force someone to move in with you. It just won't work out. His feelings have to be mutual in order for things to work out. My best advise would be to leave to California, start learning to love yourself, and start over. He won't be the last guy you'll be with. If a man can't commit himself with you when you are ready to commit, regardless of the circumstances, then it's just not worth it. Eventually, maybe even years later, you'll will break up with him and realize you wasted your time.

It just seems to me that its a waste of time now. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Give him credit for atleast him knowing what he wants. And you are not in his priority list right now. You deserve better than that. Believe me, move on. DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!!! He is not in the picture.

Chely

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:21pm
I think I am reacting the way I am now because I am under a lot of stress. I am worried about school, work, and my health. Tomorrow I go to see a neurologist because I have had numbness and tingliness in my arms and hands. From the looks of it, I may have slipped a disk in my spinal area. I am not sure, but I am in a lot of pain and numbness. I also miss my best friend a lot. He has always helped me get over stuff like this.

As for my bf, I am scared of losing him. I did manage to go down to see him last night and talk out some things with him. He says he understands what I am talking about and he sees the merit in it, but he isnt ready and he wants to get to know me better, as well as , get some of his life together. He tells me he cares about me and that he wants our relationship to work out and he is afriad that if we live together at this point in time, the relationship stands a big chance of dying.

I see the point in what he is saying. I just am not sure if he ever is going to be ready to live with another girl. I dont understand what happened to him in his 7 year relationship that would cause him to be so afraid to live with another woman. I hope he is not some relationship-phobic person. He tells me he isnt and that he likes having a relationship with me and that I mean a lot to him. I want to understand him so much but I am having a hard time.

One point that he brought up on Sunday night was the fact that I fight with my best friend all the time. He says he is afriad that I will do that to him. Also, he thinks that this whole moving in thing stems from the fact that I am really sad over my best friend being on vacation w/o me. That probably is true. I have tried to clarify it to him that we have always fought like that but that we understand our parameters and know that what we say to each other in heat of anger, doesnt mean we dont like each other. I think my bf finally gets the idea.

I talked to him tonight and he is still sick with his cold. I told him that if he was sick and tired, that i would not come down tomorrow to see him. He told me that he missed me and liked hanging out with me and that he wants me to come down tomorrow evening and hang out and do something low key. I am trying to create some distance so he doesnt feel smothered. I dont know how else to do it. He is coming to spend the weekend with me since he promised me a few weeks ago, since my best friend is out of town.

I told him that in the next two weekends, he can go out with his friends and all that. He tells me that all he needs is some space to hang out with his friends. Tonight, he talked about how he ran into some of his friends he hadnt seen in a while (these friends, from what he tells me, dont really look him up, he has to hunt them down if he wants to spend time with them), and that he had a good time hanging out with them at the comic book store. I told him that if he wants to hang out with his friends in the next few weekends, that is fine with me, since I need to get some homework done. I told him and I have always told him that if he needs time to hang with friends, I would not hinder him. Besides, I am trying to get my life together and back on track again by concentrating on school.

I did ask him to find out within the next week when he can take off in May. I am thinking of taking him home to my parents since he has shown some interest in meeting my parents. I am not sure. I try to analyze everything he says to me, how he acts to me, etc. I am very scared I may have royally screwed stuff up this weekend. I have so much on my plate, especially my health and that scares me a lot. My health problems have been worrying me for a long time. I need someone to be there for me, if my health is in jeopardy, but I am afraid of depending on him.

I dont know what to do. I hope I have not irreversably damaged the relationship. I do care deeply for him. Yes, my best friend is a guy and also an old ex, but my bf is who I want. I have always told him that I accept him for who he is, even though he dresses like a teenage punk, he likes comics and cartoons and kid things, he smokes, wears earrings, and that he is into furry things. I know a lot of that would turn off a girl and he tells me that is why it is hard for him to find a gf. From what he tells me, they all seem to dump him.

Besides getting counseling, which you guys ALL recommend, how would you guys suggest I proceed w/o damaging the relationship any further???? I am trying to give him space. The last time he wanted space, I worried, but I didnt say much when he wanted to hang with his friends. I know if I give him space, he does come back. I try to be supportive of him whenever life, work, parents, etc. drag him down. I dont know what else I can do. His dating pattern and friend pattern is he always seems to pick girlfriends and friends who take advantage of him and ultimately dump him or use him. I try not to be like that to him, or is that unconsciously what he wants? I try to psychoanalyze him.

I will go down to see him tomorrow. I miss him. Sometimes, I think I should stop seeing him on the weekdays since that bothers me too. He tells me to confide in him and I do. I dont know what else to do to keep this relationship humming along? I dont want to give this up. Yes, I do want to move back to LA. I miss life out there so much. But it is hard to find a job out there. As for Chicago, I am not sure what I am going to do. I cant keep driving back and forth to see him. Even if he takes the train up, it is still somewhat of a haul for me. I may eventually look for a job down there and just move down there and leave it up to him how he wants to handle it. He tells me that if I were to move down there, he would not mind.

I dont know. I am confused and scared about a lot of things. He is a good guy, but I think I am not reading this situation smartly, and if I dont play it right, I may lose him. Although, my friends dont think he will dump me because, in some ways, he is in awe of me of what I do and what I somewhat have done with my life.

I know I sound like I am beating a dead horse. I just want to know how to proceed. Has anybody ever met a guy like this? How does one proceed with this situation. I am trying to keep things in perspective and gain a footing on school. He encourages me to concentrate on school.

Please help me not lose him. I know I have a lot of issues to work through. I am seriously thinking about seeking therapy, but that wont help me solve my problems with John. The last time I went to see a therapist, I was involved in a relationship with someone and I went to see a therapist in the hopes of getting advice on how to deal with the relationship and keep it. That didnt work out, all the therapist wanted to do was concentrate on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:10am
You miss the point--by working on you, you will help to keep the relationship.

From what I've read of John and your best friend, you tend to cling to people a little too much. We all have best friends and sure we miss them when they go away, but not to the point of losing ourselves over it. This is just one of the reasons counseling keeps getting suggested to you.

It scares me how you keep going on about moving down there and trying to hold onto him. Why do you think he has routinely gotten dumped? It's not because he's a great catch. He may be a nice guy but he has no ambition. He's a 30 year old acting like a 16 year old. This is not what you need in a life partner.

Rather than worrying about how to keep a relationship that you're focusing way too much energy and time on, I would focus on getting that counseling you're considering now. That is what really will help you, not John.

Good luck.

 

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:45am
Ive read your posts here for awhile. You have received so much great advice, you follow none of it, you do what you want, when you want, regardless of HOW many people tell you its NOT the right way to go...so why continue to post on an advice board? It seems like you use this as a forum to share your issues, and then totally ignore any constructive guidance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:05am
You seem to want to hear what you want to hear, and ignore most of what we say. I am going to be as clear as I can, in the hopes you might finally get it. But I have my doubts. Here goes:

1. This relationship is unhealthy and will fail. He is not capable of having an adult relationship and neither are you. I don't believe he will never live with you, and if he does you will be even more unhappy than you are now. You are wasting your time trying to make the impossible work. We can't give you advice on how to proceed because it is so incredibly clear that YOU SHOULD NOT PROCEED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP AT ALL.

2. Every relationship you have after this one will be unhealthy and will most likely fail unless you seek therapy and work out YOUR issues. You will NOT EVER be happy and contented unless you do this. This is a certainty.

3. I personally think moving to LA is a great idea.

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