how long to wait?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
how long to wait?????
35
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:16am
How long do people usually wait before they move in and live with each other? Meaning how long do people date before deciding to move in with each other?

I know you guys all have said that my bf is like a little kid that doesnt want to grow up and that I cant change him, and that I cant expect any more from him, etc. I do listen to all you guys advice since you guys give good advice. I just feel sad and lonely and am seeking somewhat, to live with someone.

This whole past weekend and today has been just a disaster. I am angry, upset, sad, and worried. It all started out on Sat. My bf came down to stay with me over the weekend and on Sat morning, I took my two closest friends (they are two gay guys) to the airport. They were going to Asia on vacation. I was very sad to see my best friend go. I really wished I had decided to go with them on this trip. I cried a lot when he and his bf left.

When I got home, I realized my bf was up and that he knew I was crying. He wanted to know why and I told him. I was sad all weekend because I missed my best friend.

On Sunday, as I drove him home, I kind of threw a hissy fit. I got real emotional and told him that I was sick of driving him back and forth or coming back and forth to see him. It was taking a mental and physical toll on me. In order for me to see him, it is a two hour drive one way. I told him that I wanted him to move in with me and that I could help him out. We argued back and forth about moving in, the whole drive back to his place. He told me that he couldnt afford to move in with me, that he wanted to accomplish some things before he moved in with me, etc. He told me that he didnt think he could move in within 6 months or even a year. I told him that I put my plans on hold to move back to CA, because I wanted to see if I could have a relationship with him. I told him that I wanted to know if he was worth it or not, for all the stuff I put into this relationship. Yes, he does put a lot into this relationship too, but sometimes I feel as though I put in more. I dont know. He is kind, caring, and gentle to me. He treats me well and watches out for me.

Then he brought up the subject of my best friend, the gay guy. He still thinks I am in love with him because of the way I was this weekend when he went on vacation. yes, I do have strong friendship feelings for the guy but I have known him for almost 10 years and he has been there for me through thick and thin and I trust him. I finally was able to calm him down about that one, but he is afraid of how I am with my best friend. Yes, we argue a lot, yell at each otehr a lot, but we know each other well and know that although we may be angry with each other at that point, it doesnt mean we dont like each other.

I dont think my bf wants to live with me. I dont know if he ever will be able to. He says he wants to live with me but he wants to get some of his bills paid off, to get some of his art education done, and maybe get a better job. I am willing to compromise by moving to a border town, halfway between where I live now and where he lives. He could then take the train to work, but he doesnt seem like he wants to pay the $12 a day to do that, or to get up earlier to do that. I am not asking him to quit his job and move up by me. Last night, he was thinking I wanted that. I am trying to make concessions, but I dont know. I may let him somewhat move in with me, but have the option of living at home, meaning, I wont ask him to help me pay rent, but to help me keep house, etc. I dont know. He seemed sort of ok with that. Only bad thing is I would have to move down by him and then I would have to give up my job and find a new one, or do a two hour commute one way.

He says he hasnt known me long enough to move in with me since he thinks if we live together, we may doom our relationship. He is happy with the way things are progressing now. Do you guys think I am jumping the gun about moving in? should I let more time pass? I really want to move back to LA and now I feel as though if I put those plans on hold, this might not plan out.

I am truly and terribly confused. I really do like him and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and loves the relationship we are in, but why cant he trust me enough to think I wont hurt him????? I am really starting to think that his past relationship of 7 years has really poisioned the way he understands and looks at relationships.

I really want this one to work out and hope it can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:08am
YOu know why I don't want to dump him!!!! You guys really want to know why!!!!! I just dont want to feel like a failure. Everything I do is a failure. My mom always tells me that whatever I do, etc. will never amount to much.

I really want this to work out because I dont want to fail at things. I have been a failure all of my life. People make fun of me about my height, the way I look, etc. My mom makes fun of me, her friends make fun of me. In high school, all I loved to do was read and creative write. My mom said that was not good since I would never make money doing that, so she steered me into taking AP math and science classes, all stuff I hate and am not good in. In college, my parents wanted me to be a doctor or engineer so I started off majoring in biomedical engineering, something I was not good at. Finally, after two miserable years of that and almost failing out of college, I took a stand against my mom and told her that I wanted to major in something I wanted to do, English and history. My mom was mad at me for a long time and would not talk to me. She finally said, "I guess that is not THAT bad of a major considering you are dumb in stuff like math and science". I stuck to my guns, got a BA in English and History. Had a hell of a time finding a job after college. I could just imagine what my mom was saying to me, "see you cant amount to nothing". I finally found a job and now am working towards getting a masters in education, of which my mom doesnt approve of since it isnt a "moneymaker". But her reaction to me is "do whatever you want, I guess this is the best you can do sine you are "dumb".

I try to fight the odds and accomplish things, Nothing is good enough for my mom. My mom has told me that she will help me one day find a husband since, as she puts it, "with my height" I probably wont get anybody, but dont worry, that's just you". Do you know how that makes me feel?????? I dont live within a 500 mile radius of my parents but their thinking of me still pollutes my thinking.

I want to prove to my parents and everybody else that I CAN GET A GUY. I want to prove to everybody that I am not a bad person.

I am so screwed up in the head. I know that. It is just that I cant deal, at times, with all the crap my mom throws at me. That is why when this guy walked into my life and treated me with respect, love, and care, I want to cling to him. I want to show my mom that I CAN find someone who loves and respects me, and treats me well, and that I can accomplish something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:38am
Well this is progress - of sorts.

Good, so you are finally recognizing what is motivating you to pursue something that is NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

Okay, so you learned codependency from your mother - that doesn't mean you have to be ruled by it or that there is no way out of this. Recognize that your mother puts you down because she doesn't know any other way to behave, this is probably the way she was raised and she's simply following the great parenting her own mother showed her. This can stop here, if you want it to. But not by 'getting a guy' - what use if the guy is a loser - and I'm sorry to say, but your guy IS a loser - if you want to date him, fine, but don't look at this guy as a means to your salvation - he's steering you towards failure and 'getting' him should not be looked upon as any kind of success.

Stop trying to live up to what your Mom expect of you - start defining what YOU expect of YOU.

I'm sure there will be plenty of people who will have words of support and wisdom for you, if you LISTEN to what's being said.

Your boyfriend is a child and a loser - look, I'm an artist too, but you know what - I have a full time job and support my family and I still manage to do my art - your boyfriend has no sense of responsibility and if he's this way at 31 I WILL GUARANTEE YOU HE WILL ALWAYS BE THIS WAY.

Really - at this point in time you are not healthy enough to be in any relationship - all your energies should be focused on overcoming this terrible codependency and working at becoming a whole person with self-esteem who no longer seeks approval from your parents.

Your mother will NEVER BE SATISFIED because this is the way she is - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. If you don't think you're good enough - nobody else will.

Learn to love yourself, and for godsake get into therapy NOW - especially since you seemed to have at last achieved some kind of breakthrough in your thinking.

I really do wish you well. Please know that there is hope - I was very much like you once upon a time - and I am now successful in my work and in my life, and I have a great social life - but most of this was accomplished whilst being single and actively working to improve my self-esteem and all the things in my life that have enabled me to gain self-esteem. for you, I would think that you should start with succeeding at school, pursuing a physical activity like yoga (which will be fantastic for your back by the way, as well as being something that will help center you)and establishing healthy friendships (not relationships!!!!).

Forget your mother and her negative attitude - learn to accept that that is the way she is and it is not personal or about you, it's about her.

I wish you well.

Coolas

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:42am

It's messed up thinking like this that makes us recommend counseling, over and over and over again.


Until you get the issues with your mom sorted out, you are NEVER going to have a healthy relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:43am
Ok, I understand how you feel. But you have to wake up and realize your thinking is illogical.

You say "I want to prove to my parents and everybody else that I CAN GET A GUY. I want to prove to everybody that I am not a bad person."

Proving you can get a guy WILL not prove ANYTHING to ANYONE right now. You need to prove to yourself you can be happy standing on your own. Don't worry about your mom right now, you have a lot of baggage related to her and you need to focus on that in therapy.

And STOP thinking being with this guy is going to solve ANYTHING. Him and being with him is GOING TO DO NOTHING EXCEPT MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.

All people are going to say is, sure she can get a guy, but look at what kind of guy! A guy who dresses and acts like a teenager, won't drive or take the train to see her, doesn't want to live with her, doesn't even want to support himself! Your self esteem is already so low, being with this guy is compounding the problem!

You need to get into therapy and go buy this book TODAY: "The Wounded Woman" by Linda Schierse Leonard. Start reading it right away. It's a hard read, you'll really have to concentrate, but get through it however you can. You have to read the whole thing for it to make sense.

I really wish you the best. I want to see you heal and turn your life around - and by doing that - by being EMOTIONALLY strong and dumping this guy and working on yourself - THEN you can prove you are successful to yourself and everyone else.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:32am
Prove to yourself that you are a winner by figuring out that you are worthy of an independent stable person who you love and who loves you for the right reasons. I do not consider those friends of mine winners who willingly entered into unhealthy relationships/marriages just so they can say they "have someone." Quite the contrary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:15pm
You know, I had given up on responding to you. I've replied to most of your posts, and even mentioned once that you seem to ignore all advice you receive because you just keep coming back with more details regarding the same old problem and I feel that I'm just wasting my time trying to help you. Are you always this stubborn? But this last post of yours made me want to try just one more time.

You KNOW your mother is wrong about you, and that you are NOT a failure. You have proven that to her and to yourself by getting degrees in the fields in which you are most interested and finding a job as a technical writer that pays well (I know it pays well for a fact since I am a technical writer as well). Personal success is not demonstrated through the ability to get a boyfriend where just any old guy will do, regardless of who or what he is. For Pete's sake, just imagine introducing your BF to your mother - a guy in his 30s who dresses Goth, a guy with zero ambition, works at a menial job, lives with his parents, is uncomfortable with anything approaching an intellectual conversation, and acts like a teenager in social situations - a guy who has LOSER tattooed on his forehead. Do you really think that would win her approval? Think again. Even a kinder, more loving, less judgmental parent would not be pleased with your choice in a man.

It's a shame that your mother has treated you so poorly, but you need to prove to yourself, not her, that you are worthy of much more regard than she showed for you. It's unfortunate that you don't have her support, but you won't win that by continuing to be emotionally dysfunctional. So what if you're short? Good grief, I know plenty of great guys who PREFER short women. You have either bought into your mother's idiotic criticism or you are using your height and your physical appearance as an excuse for your choices.

I don't have a partner, a husband, or even a boyfriend although I've had many in the past. I'm perfectly happy and accepting of that - even glad most of the time. I don't define myself by a man's interest in me. I was even joking with a friend the other day, a friend who is going through her third divorce, that being single is a wonderful thing - when you consider the alternative. It's a very liberating attitude.

You really do need counseling, and not so that you can find ways to act cool enough to keep a guy around. You need counseling to learn how to accept and love yourself for who you are. Trust me, WHO you are is worthy of great love from a great guy if that is what you want in your life. Stop selling yourself short - no pun intended - and stop trying to make square pegs fit into round holes. Please get help - you won't be sorry that you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:15am
I do agree with you. I probably really do need therapy. My mind is very messed up from my mom's constant criticism of me. She makes me feel like I will never amount to anything really much, but that I should not worry, since she will be there for me.

I have tried to do alot to try to defeat those demons that my mom puts inside my head. I stood up to her in college and majored in English and History, two subjects I have intense interest in. I do make a decent living as a tech writer. But nothing is good enough for her. I can go home and go out with my mom, and if we go out and someone, or even one of her friends, makes a comment on my height, my mom turns on me and says I am a disgrace to her, and she berates me for it and says "why do I ALWAYS have to be an embarrasment to her". This happens now even when I am 30 years old. Consequently, I dont go home that much. That is one part of the reason why I havent moved back to LA yet. I miss it out there so much and I do miss my family out there but if I moved within a 100 mile radius of LA, I know my mom is going to want to live with me. I dont think I could ever stand living with her.

As for my bf, sometimes I think the reason I cling to him so much is that he understands how it is to be the underdog and to be the one picked on. He was picked on a lot in school because he was small and nerdy. He is still picked on, somewhat, since he chooses to be so anti-establishment. He is the only guy I have ever been with that doesnt go and blame me or avoid me, when we go out in public and kids point at me and make fun of me for my height. I have had to deal with that all my life where a lot of times when I go out shopping at the mall or whatever, I will get kids who point at me, laugh at me, and call me midgit. I have even had a bouncer at dance club make fun of my height and call me midgit. I have had blind dates look at me in astonishment and tell me to my face "I didnt know you were THAT small". You know how that makes me feel. My mom hates it when people/kids point at me and laugh at me. She turns on me and berates ME for making her look bad. Even my best friend, the gay guy, he will get somewhat upset at me and ask me what did I do to draw attention to myself.

My bf is so different. He actually rushes up and tries to defend me and will literally almost pick a fight/arguement with the person who is making fun of me. Just like yesterday, we went out to the mall to go shopping. In one of the shops, a bunch of grade school kids were pointing at me and making fun of my height, calling me midgit, with their parents looking on smiling and laughing. That made me feel bad. I didnt tell my bf about it because I knew he would have been in their face about that. Later that night, after we went to see a movie and we were walking to my car in the parking lot, some guy drove by us, stopped and called me a "midgit", laughed and drove off. My bf was so mad at him. I later told my bf that I appreciated that he did not blame me for people calling me "midgit" like a lot of people do blame me.

I have a lot of issues to deal with. My life is a confusing mess. I cling to this guy because he understands what is like to be the underdog. Most men would look at me, esp if we were out and someone called me a midgit, and cringe, probably. I would do anything in the world to not have people call me "midgit". I dont dress like a kid. I try to dress adultlike and prim and proper so I can get respect from people. My bf understands how I feel and he accepts me for who I am, height and all, unlike most people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:40am

You know, I just read this one and there is something important that I think you should realize... perception. Remember, there are always two different perceptions of any one person. The way others perceive you and the way you perceive yourself. You are having an ongoing struggle with the way you perceive yourself because of the way others have perceived you. You take it all to heart and believe it. Now is the time for you to gain strength and rise above all of that and know that you are unique, you are special and there is no one else like you in this whole world. that is what is important.


The trick is to take all of the baggage that you have accumulated out of the steamer trunk you have and dispose of some of it (the perceptions). Then you can take what is left and pack it into a smaller duffle bag and store it away. Instead of pushing around that trunk every day or even carrying a smaller duffle bag, you can walk through each day with your hands free and your head held hihg because you know that you have met the challenge and won. You are the unique individual that you are and you know that you are special and important. If someone else doesn't see you that way, well... are they really that important to you?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:43am
Have you ever thought of stopping communications with your mother? If a relationship is toxic, sometimes it's best to let it go. We don't choose our families but that doesn't mean we have to accept the way they treat us either. Remember that. You can either change the way you react to your mother or you can break that relationship. But either way you should not subject yourself to the mental and emotional abuse.

As for your height... Some people are cruel and insensitive. And most times it's bred out of fear. They don't understand and they aren't smart enough to recognize that insecurity. If anyone gets on you about your height, then either confront them or ignore them. But don't allow them to be in your life. If your "friend" is saying things about it then you need to stop them in their tracks and let them know that it's not okay for them to try and make you feel like something is wrong with your height. A friend should be more sensitive to that.

As for the counseling, you don't "probably" need thearpy--you do need it. You have a lot of unresolved issues that are coming up and need to be dealt with. You're picking people in your life as friends and boyfriends because they're nice to you and don't make fun of you but you're not really picking them because they're star individuals. Your self-esteem has been beaten and battered and it's time to strengthen it.

Good luck. And I'm glad to see you're getting to the bottom of the issues...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:57am
Terry what you wrote here just made me think of something Les Brown said:

"Don't allow someone's perception of you become your reality."