how long to wait?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
how long to wait?????
35
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:16am
How long do people usually wait before they move in and live with each other? Meaning how long do people date before deciding to move in with each other?

I know you guys all have said that my bf is like a little kid that doesnt want to grow up and that I cant change him, and that I cant expect any more from him, etc. I do listen to all you guys advice since you guys give good advice. I just feel sad and lonely and am seeking somewhat, to live with someone.

This whole past weekend and today has been just a disaster. I am angry, upset, sad, and worried. It all started out on Sat. My bf came down to stay with me over the weekend and on Sat morning, I took my two closest friends (they are two gay guys) to the airport. They were going to Asia on vacation. I was very sad to see my best friend go. I really wished I had decided to go with them on this trip. I cried a lot when he and his bf left.

When I got home, I realized my bf was up and that he knew I was crying. He wanted to know why and I told him. I was sad all weekend because I missed my best friend.

On Sunday, as I drove him home, I kind of threw a hissy fit. I got real emotional and told him that I was sick of driving him back and forth or coming back and forth to see him. It was taking a mental and physical toll on me. In order for me to see him, it is a two hour drive one way. I told him that I wanted him to move in with me and that I could help him out. We argued back and forth about moving in, the whole drive back to his place. He told me that he couldnt afford to move in with me, that he wanted to accomplish some things before he moved in with me, etc. He told me that he didnt think he could move in within 6 months or even a year. I told him that I put my plans on hold to move back to CA, because I wanted to see if I could have a relationship with him. I told him that I wanted to know if he was worth it or not, for all the stuff I put into this relationship. Yes, he does put a lot into this relationship too, but sometimes I feel as though I put in more. I dont know. He is kind, caring, and gentle to me. He treats me well and watches out for me.

Then he brought up the subject of my best friend, the gay guy. He still thinks I am in love with him because of the way I was this weekend when he went on vacation. yes, I do have strong friendship feelings for the guy but I have known him for almost 10 years and he has been there for me through thick and thin and I trust him. I finally was able to calm him down about that one, but he is afraid of how I am with my best friend. Yes, we argue a lot, yell at each otehr a lot, but we know each other well and know that although we may be angry with each other at that point, it doesnt mean we dont like each other.

I dont think my bf wants to live with me. I dont know if he ever will be able to. He says he wants to live with me but he wants to get some of his bills paid off, to get some of his art education done, and maybe get a better job. I am willing to compromise by moving to a border town, halfway between where I live now and where he lives. He could then take the train to work, but he doesnt seem like he wants to pay the $12 a day to do that, or to get up earlier to do that. I am not asking him to quit his job and move up by me. Last night, he was thinking I wanted that. I am trying to make concessions, but I dont know. I may let him somewhat move in with me, but have the option of living at home, meaning, I wont ask him to help me pay rent, but to help me keep house, etc. I dont know. He seemed sort of ok with that. Only bad thing is I would have to move down by him and then I would have to give up my job and find a new one, or do a two hour commute one way.

He says he hasnt known me long enough to move in with me since he thinks if we live together, we may doom our relationship. He is happy with the way things are progressing now. Do you guys think I am jumping the gun about moving in? should I let more time pass? I really want to move back to LA and now I feel as though if I put those plans on hold, this might not plan out.

I am truly and terribly confused. I really do like him and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and loves the relationship we are in, but why cant he trust me enough to think I wont hurt him????? I am really starting to think that his past relationship of 7 years has really poisioned the way he understands and looks at relationships.

I really want this one to work out and hope it can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:37pm

Precisely the point! And, as for her mother... her mother has problems, that is obvious. But, she has let her mother's problems become her problem. that is something that she needs to deal with and now, before it manifests itself in greater proportions.


Time to unpack the trunk, right?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 3:59pm

When I said "depending on him" maybe I should have said that you rely on him for validation. I think you may be capable of sustaining life without him but by the same token I see that you have a lot invested in this emotionally - almost to the point of falling apart if things with him don't change.


The point that I have been making is that you have to become stfonger within yourself and for yourself so that you feel secure enough to where you recognize that. although he may validate you and your feelings, he doesn't appear to be changing to be what you really need. Living together at this point may relieve some of the issues that are stressful for you right now but I can just about bet that moving in would create a whole new set of issues to deal with.


Address the issues first and resolve them to your satisfaction and in your best interests. Relationships sometimes come and go and you want to be healthy and strong both before, during and after one so it's best if you look at why you need the validation now...


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:02am
Next time your mother says anything negative to you, or calls you a disappointment or whatever - why don't you simply shrug your shoulders, smile and say, well it's your fault Ma, you're the one that made me!! I mean come-on, your mother sounds like a child - and not a very nice one at that.

Look, you cannot change your mother's behavior, but you can most assuredly change the way that you react to her. You simply must start seeing her for what she is - she sounds like a bully who is worried about what everybody around her thinks - not very healthy, is it? She is probably walking around just as insecure as you, only the way she expresses her insecurity is by finger pointing and blame. Every time she attacks or belittles you - just think 'poor Mom, gosh, I never realized she had so many problems.' Feel sorry for her - she can't be loving and supportive of you, she obviously has a lot of anger and hostility in her - these are not good traits and again, they have NOTHING to do with you.

You have to start self-talking - fake it 'til you make it - in other words. So people call you names - who are the people doing the name calling? They sound like idiotic white trash to me - so WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK?

Stop worrying about what others think of you - worrying about what YOU think of you. Try and work at becoming somebody that YOU are proud of by virtue of your hardwork and accomplishments (and going to therapy will be one of those). Take up Yoga (or something like it) to help with your back and to give you a focus, concentrate on school, as opposed to this boy who will hopefully fall by the wayside as you gain self-esteem. Do some reading (I think somebody suggested some books) start there, make it your mission to work on yourself, to become the best that you can be. When you start working towards being a person you would admire, you'll begin to see the glaring differences between you and your boyfriend. He IS just a warm body - it's nice that he's nice to you and sticks up for you (although, again, immature - a much better reaction would be if he rolled his eyes and told you what utter idiots they must be to be spouting such rubbish) but don't you want to be with somebody that you admire and respect? Somebody that you would bring home to your parents, bursting with pride as opposed to hoping they won't think he's a total loser?

I really think you've got lots of issues and lots of work to do on yourself (and it's great that you've made a bit of breakthrough here!) and you'd be far better off not going out with anybody at the moment. But if you want to keep things going with this guy - why don't you try thinking of him as somebody fun to spend time with and have sex with but NOT somebody you EVER intend to move in with and not somebody you want to spend you life with - please please - as sweet and nice to you as this guy might be - he IS a loser and you can do far better for yourself.

Take care.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:46pm
Very well said, Coolas! For the OP, I'd like to add to Coolas' thoughts regarding those rude, insensitive, name calling people - including your mother. They are not worth one second of your angst. Always remember to "consider the source" when you are subjected to abusive behavior from anyone. Never be hurt or care at all what mean, nasty people think, say or do. They're miserable people, and their judgments have no validity whatsoever. Pity them and you'll free yourself from their negative effects on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:08pm
I agree. Just wanted to add for the OP . . . with your mother or anyone who makes mean or rude comments to you, a great reply is to say simply and unemotionally "I'm sorry you feel that way" and nothing more. It stops most people in their tracks b/c they have no idea how to respond, yet it's respectful. Next time you talk to your mother, have that phrase written in front of you to remind you to say it. I've used it on someone, and it tends to deter those types of comments b/c they know they won't get a reaction out of you.

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