How long to wait for a guy to reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How long to wait for a guy to reply?
45
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am
Hi

A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'

I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )

I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?

help, I really like him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:29am
After a first date, you're sitting around by the phone waiting for him to call? You barely know the guy. Why not date other people, and if he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, then that just means he's not that interested - and you wouldn't want to be with someone whose interest in you is lukewarm, would you? Try to keep things in perspective.

Btw, I don't understand why you would tell him about other dates. It sounds like you were trying to make him jealous, which I think is a bad idea. After just one date, I would certainly continue to date other guys, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell them about other dates. If he asks directly, tell him, otherwise why bother?

The massage oil comment might have been a bit much too, unless you're just looking for a fling . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:45am
No, I wasn't trying to make him jealous, I was concerned that he might think I'm too serious or looking for him to commit - so I wanted to reinforce that I was happy with being casual about it to see where it goes. A few guys I told that to said telling him about the date was a good idea, actually. But then, everyone can think something different I guess.

I guess I'm just really frustrated becauase I don't meet guys that I really really like very often - maybe 2 or 3 in a year... and they never seem to want to keep seeing me, so I'm concerned it's something I'm doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:02am
About him thinking you are wanting a commitment . . . unless you are giving off some clingy vibe, he should have no reason to think that after just one date. So I don't think you need to approach a dating situation as if you need to make clear to him that you aren't looking for a commitment - especially since it sounds like you are not just looking for a fling and if you meet the right guy you WILL want a commitment at some point down the road. If you tell him now that you don't want a commitment and months/years down the road you tell him that you do - he will be confused. So I wouldn't assume that he assumes that you are looking for a commitment. After just one date it's too soon to have those sorts of expectations. And honestly, if a guy told me after a first date that he's not looking for a commitment and felt the need to tell me he had another date, I would likely move on b/c I am looking for a serious and committed relationship.

As for not meeting enough guys - how do you meet men? Are you getting yourself out there? If you currently meet men in clubs, maybe you could try something different like a book club or athletic group, etc.? Or volunteering? With regard to men not wanting to keep seeing you - is there anything you think you are doing to drive them away? Are you getting too serious too soon?

Also keep in mind that rejection is a normal part of dating. If I had a dime for every guy who I went on a first date with and liked who never called over the years, well . . . I'd have a lot of dimes. ;) It happens to everyone. It goes both ways too - there have also been lots of guys who have liked me and I have not wanted to continue dating them for whatever reason. It's just part of dating.



Just keep telling yourself, if this guy doesn't call, he's not for you, but someone else will come along as long as you keep getting yourself out there. Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:03am
I think the email was probably too much, and it was completely unnecessary. I doubt it will change the outcome, if it was meant to be he would still be interested. But the fact is he said he'd call you when he got back - in that situation it's better to sit back and let him call you. I know you really like him, but calling him or emailing him (especially when he said he'd call you) isn't going to make him go out with you again any faster or with any more certainty. And who knows what that email made him think - it sounds like you were all over the place with 'i really like you' but 'i'm going on a date with someone else' to 'i want to have sex with you' (inferred by massage oil comment). You were trying to guess what he might be thinking and head off his concerns - but that doesn't work because you don't KNOW what he was thinking.

But the bottom line is he didn't call, so figure he's not interested and move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:09am
I think you need to move on and not take it personally that he is not that into you. A man who is sincerely interested would not casually say "at some point" - he would want to make it clear that he planned to see you again and would call you as soon as he got back to town, etc. Sixteen hours on a date is a long time but has little relevance to whether he wants to see you again, I've found - I've spent three hours on a coffee date where the man insisted on walking me home and offered to run errands with me and never called again, and I've spent an hour where the guy had to leave and he called again. Certainly, if I were him and got the email that said you weren't looking for anything serious and had another date my impressions would be (1) - she is available for no strings attached sex and (2) she is trying to be manipulative/make me jealous and it is pretty transparent. I personally find it tacky when a man on a first date references other women he is dating or a woman he has planned a date with - or alternatively I see it as a clear sign of no interest.

Obviously it is fine if you want nothing serious but your motive in telling him was so that he would not be under the impression that if he called he needed to have serious intentions - but there was nothing that you did or said to give that impression and typically when a guy is sincerely interested he either will not be scared off from a woman who seems to want a serious relationship or he will call her and gently tell her that he is very interested in dating but wants to take things slow.

Having said that - I believe you do want something serious with this man, right - and if so why would you send him that email?

I generally find it ineffective to do most of the initiating/contacting in the beginning and I find that the men who do not respond if I email/call (and I very rarely do) within a day or so are not that into me - I also find I get more into them sometimes because of the challenge but I ignore those feelings because that is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

Hold out for someone with sincere interest - he knows where to find you if he becomes interested in you but for now he needs to be off the radar screen, IMHO.


Edited 3/15/2004 10:11 am ET ET by deena33

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:59am
Some of the posts here seem to have a big double message. “Don’t tell him you have a date with another guy, it will make him jealous to hear that and turn him off, especially if he is like me and looking for a serious committed relationship. But be sure to date other guys, even if you really like this one.” It seems like the message is “Don’t tell him about the behavior that would turn him off. But be sure to engage in it without letting him know”.

Does anyone think he doesn’t know that you might be seeing other people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:32am
I don't think it's a double message. It's just a bad idea to disclose too much after one date when you don't even know if he's going to call back or not - and I for one think it's particularly bad to do it in an email like she did. You need the back and forth of a conversation to know if he's feeling it's too serious before you make a statement that you don't want it to be serious.

For example, if you are conversing with a guy and he says, "I really like you but I don't want to get too serious too fast" and you respond with "me either" that is fine. But if you are freaking out because you haven't been called back after a first date and make statements like "I really don't want a commmittment from you right now, I'm going to date someone else but PLEASE PLEASE call me back because I really really like you" that is a whole 'nother thing. One is a clarification of expectations, the other is shear desperation.

Of course he knows she could/might date someone else. That's the point. He knows it so she doesn't have to tell him that. It has to make him wonder WHY she is telling him that. And then instead of calling her back he's wondering what is her motivation for telling me that?

It's like if I emailed a guy and said "Hey, you told me you'd call and you haven't but I just wanted to double check to make sure you know I'm here and my phone is working and my cell phone is on and I'm checking my email pretty regularly so whenever you want to get back to me, um, I'm here. But if you don't call, that is okay to because you don't have to, of course, and because I'm going on a date with this really great guy tomorrow. And by the way, I forgot to tell you I have some massage oil I wanted to share with you some time, hint-hint." I don't know what to call it exactly. I got an email that was somewhat similar from a guy once. I had already written him off and did not reply to the email.

It's not a double message - but you could call it a two part message. 1) Don't come across desperate even if you feel like you are desperate and 2) Don't stop your life waiting for him to call.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:09am

I think telling him that was presumptuous, on the one hand (why would she assume that he thought she *wasn't* dating other people, after just one date?) and TMI on the other hand...you don't have to rub the fact that you're dating others in someone's face.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:19am
Thanks everyone for your comments - I do understand why you all might think I was wierd to write him a mail like that. But maybe the context of things would help clarify - we'd met 6 weeks previous and exchanged a few mails and he phoneed me a few times over that period - then he came to visit. (all his initiation). But then when he came to visit I coudl not read where he was at - I couldn't quite tell if he was interested in me or not. I actually made the first move - I asked if I could kiss him - he said yes, he had been thinking about it too - then we got a little physical but I slowed him down saying I wanted to take things slower. He said he was in no 'rush' but I still kind of thought he might have just come to visit for sex and was disappointed when he didn't get it, but I was not sure. I was confused... hence I wanted to sort it out with him, which is why I sent the mail. After thinking about him for 6 weeks - I felt it would be fair to find out what his intentions would be going forward??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:27am
I think there is a huge difference between dating others and telling those you are dating any details about that dating - the only information I share is that I am 100% truthful about whether we are exclusive or not - I assume we are not exclusive until the subject comes up, and if it does and he asks me if I am dating others, I will say yes but of course will not volunteer details and don't think it is appropriate or relevant to discuss details. No double message at all - just because I am engaging in behavior that he assumes I am engaging in does not mean it is appropriate for me to discuss the details and to me it is not ladylike or polite to discuss other men you are dating with someone you are dating - a whole different thing from permitting him to assume you are dating others unless he is told otherwise.

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