How long to wait for a guy to reply?
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| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am |
A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'
I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )
I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?
help, I really like him.

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Btw, I don't understand why you would tell him about other dates. It sounds like you were trying to make him jealous, which I think is a bad idea. After just one date, I would certainly continue to date other guys, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell them about other dates. If he asks directly, tell him, otherwise why bother?
The massage oil comment might have been a bit much too, unless you're just looking for a fling . . .
I guess I'm just really frustrated becauase I don't meet guys that I really really like very often - maybe 2 or 3 in a year... and they never seem to want to keep seeing me, so I'm concerned it's something I'm doing.
As for not meeting enough guys - how do you meet men? Are you getting yourself out there? If you currently meet men in clubs, maybe you could try something different like a book club or athletic group, etc.? Or volunteering? With regard to men not wanting to keep seeing you - is there anything you think you are doing to drive them away? Are you getting too serious too soon?
Also keep in mind that rejection is a normal part of dating. If I had a dime for every guy who I went on a first date with and liked who never called over the years, well . . . I'd have a lot of dimes. ;) It happens to everyone. It goes both ways too - there have also been lots of guys who have liked me and I have not wanted to continue dating them for whatever reason. It's just part of dating.
Just keep telling yourself, if this guy doesn't call, he's not for you, but someone else will come along as long as you keep getting yourself out there. Good luck.
But the bottom line is he didn't call, so figure he's not interested and move on.
Obviously it is fine if you want nothing serious but your motive in telling him was so that he would not be under the impression that if he called he needed to have serious intentions - but there was nothing that you did or said to give that impression and typically when a guy is sincerely interested he either will not be scared off from a woman who seems to want a serious relationship or he will call her and gently tell her that he is very interested in dating but wants to take things slow.
Having said that - I believe you do want something serious with this man, right - and if so why would you send him that email?
I generally find it ineffective to do most of the initiating/contacting in the beginning and I find that the men who do not respond if I email/call (and I very rarely do) within a day or so are not that into me - I also find I get more into them sometimes because of the challenge but I ignore those feelings because that is not the basis for a healthy relationship.
Hold out for someone with sincere interest - he knows where to find you if he becomes interested in you but for now he needs to be off the radar screen, IMHO.
Edited 3/15/2004 10:11 am ET ET by deena33
Does anyone think he doesn’t know that you might be seeing other people?
For example, if you are conversing with a guy and he says, "I really like you but I don't want to get too serious too fast" and you respond with "me either" that is fine. But if you are freaking out because you haven't been called back after a first date and make statements like "I really don't want a commmittment from you right now, I'm going to date someone else but PLEASE PLEASE call me back because I really really like you" that is a whole 'nother thing. One is a clarification of expectations, the other is shear desperation.
Of course he knows she could/might date someone else. That's the point. He knows it so she doesn't have to tell him that. It has to make him wonder WHY she is telling him that. And then instead of calling her back he's wondering what is her motivation for telling me that?
It's like if I emailed a guy and said "Hey, you told me you'd call and you haven't but I just wanted to double check to make sure you know I'm here and my phone is working and my cell phone is on and I'm checking my email pretty regularly so whenever you want to get back to me, um, I'm here. But if you don't call, that is okay to because you don't have to, of course, and because I'm going on a date with this really great guy tomorrow. And by the way, I forgot to tell you I have some massage oil I wanted to share with you some time, hint-hint." I don't know what to call it exactly. I got an email that was somewhat similar from a guy once. I had already written him off and did not reply to the email.
It's not a double message - but you could call it a two part message. 1) Don't come across desperate even if you feel like you are desperate and 2) Don't stop your life waiting for him to call.
I think telling him that was presumptuous, on the one hand (why would she assume that he thought she *wasn't* dating other people, after just one date?) and TMI on the other hand...you don't have to rub the fact that you're dating others in someone's face.
Sheri
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