How long to wait for a guy to reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How long to wait for a guy to reply?
45
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am
Hi

A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'

I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )

I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?

help, I really like him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:29am
To me, a man who doesn't contact me after a first or second date has made his intentions abundantly clear - he is not interested in dating me. Period, end of story, next. And, unless there was something completely unusual about the evening - as in, he became ill, there was some sort of problem or accident I will not call to find out why I was rejected. Who cares?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:30am
Sounds to me like you're sending all kinds of mixed messages. He travels to visit you, you ask him if you can kiss him, he says yes, then things get a 'little physical', then you ask him to slow down, then you not only have a date with another guy but contact this guy and tell him about it! If I were in his shoes I'd definitely be confused, probably chalk it up to experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:32am
Yes, I have been on the receiving end of men who keep calling or send emails to let me know they are alive and waiting for my call. Not a turn on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:40am
I think you are referring to my post. I did not mean to convey a double message. All I meant to say was that I think at this early stage it is fine, even a good idea, to continue to date other guys, but not appropriate to throw it in their face. When I am dating multiple guys, if any of them asks if I'm seeing others I am completely honest about it, but if they don't ask, I see no point in telling them. It just seems in-your-face to do so. Like telling him, I'm really desirable and other guys are after me, you have competition. I know that the OP said that wasn't her intention, but I wouldn't be surprised if that is how the guy heard it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:40am
Personally, when I’ve been lucky enough to encounter someone that is interesting enough to spend sixteen hours with, I haven’t wasted my time looking for someone else while waiting to see what would happen with the person I’m interested in.

For one thing, being really interested in one person, but pursuing someone else while waiting for things to shake out with the first person, can get very messy and can lead to a great deal of heartache. I learned this the hard way a good while ago. After inflicting and having inflicted on myself a good deal of pain in different situations. Not that I was overtly dishonest (when I was doing the inflicting), just that feelings got very very hurt.

Instead I’ve found that the best thing is to find other things to do with my valuable time, on my own or with friends. I’m not saying wait around forever for the other person. But I try to keep my romantic involvements one at a time, giving full attention (and I hope receiving same)to whomever I’m seeing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:47am
What kind of intentions do you expect him to have after just ONE date?? I think at that phase it's too soon to talk about "intentions." You don't even know each other yet.

Here is what I think you are doing. You are spending all this time analyzing whether he likes you, and not considering whether you like him! (I used to do the same thing, btw. ;) Focus on whether you like him and whether he is right for you instead, and I think you will be much happier.

I agree with the poster who said you are giving him all sorts of mixed messages, btw. Try to send one unified message in early stages of dating - that you are enjoying his company (or not) and would like to get to know him better (or not). Don't get so concerned with other stuff at this stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:51am
I think I was referring to several posts. See my post #16 for where I'm coming from. Personally, if was currently in a position where I started seeing someone, I'd appreciate knowing upfront if she's seeing other guys for self-protection.

I'm probably older than most of the people here! I'm interested in what goes on mainly because I see what my young relations go through. I went through much the same when I was younger. My early 20's a time of total chaos, in retrospect (and the truth is it was clear enough then)! As one gets older, it seesm the hard part is finding one person one wants to spend time with, not dealing with a whole flock.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:54am
First, I typically don't spend 16 hours with someone on a first or second date - too much too soon and second I think it is foolish to put all your eggs in one basket that early on - causes you to focus too much on someone you don't know very well - I prefer for me to date different people casually - no sexual involvement - until I find one that I want to focus on - I've never had a problem compartmentalizing in the early stages of dating - I see someone about once a week in the beginning, talk a few times a week and get to know the person at a reasonable pace. If a first or second date lasts 16 hours often that is because there was a sleepover - which would not happen with me that early on - or in the OP's case it could be that she prolonged the date. I find it a red flag that after 16 hours they didn't have set plans for the next date or at least near certain plans - one would think after 16 hours if there was that much interest the man would want to make sure he saw her again.

I also think it is foolish to date only one person in the initial stages because usually the other person is dating others or open to it so why make that sort of sacrifice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:07pm
"I was confused... hence I wanted to sort it out with him, which is why I sent the mail. After thinking about him for 6 weeks - I felt it would be fair to find out what his intentions would be going forward??"

You will not ever sort out confusion by sending a long winded email. You just add to it that way. If you want to know what someone is thinking/feeling, wait until you get them on the phone to try and clarify. And if they say they will call you and they don't, it doesn't matter what they are thinking/feeling, so just move on and be proud of yourself for NOT sleeping with him.

All you do when you send emails like you did is end up driving yourself crazy when you don't get a response.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:07pm
I agree with Deena. On reflection, I don't think I've ever had a 16 hour date that didn't involve a sleepover, and never on a first date.

I agree with you that once I have found someone who is compatible and I think I want to focus on, I do stop dating others. And certainly that happens before I am intimate with someone. But in the early stages - in the OP's case after just ONE date - absolutely not. Only a small percentage of first dates (esp. with online dating) end up leading to even second dates, much less a relationship, so I don't see the point in cutting off all other prospects after just one good date.

But I understand that not everyone agrees with that approach. C'est la vie. :)