How long to wait for a guy to reply?
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| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am |
A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'
I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )
I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?
help, I really like him.

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For one thing, being really interested in one person, but pursuing someone else while waiting for things to shake out with the first person, can get very messy and can lead to a great deal of heartache. I learned this the hard way a good while ago. After inflicting and having inflicted on myself a good deal of pain in different situations. Not that I was overtly dishonest (when I was doing the inflicting), just that feelings got very very hurt.
Instead I’ve found that the best thing is to find other things to do with my valuable time, on my own or with friends. I’m not saying wait around forever for the other person. But I try to keep my romantic involvements one at a time, giving full attention (and I hope receiving same)to whomever I’m seeing.
Here is what I think you are doing. You are spending all this time analyzing whether he likes you, and not considering whether you like him! (I used to do the same thing, btw. ;) Focus on whether you like him and whether he is right for you instead, and I think you will be much happier.
I agree with the poster who said you are giving him all sorts of mixed messages, btw. Try to send one unified message in early stages of dating - that you are enjoying his company (or not) and would like to get to know him better (or not). Don't get so concerned with other stuff at this stage.
I'm probably older than most of the people here! I'm interested in what goes on mainly because I see what my young relations go through. I went through much the same when I was younger. My early 20's a time of total chaos, in retrospect (and the truth is it was clear enough then)! As one gets older, it seesm the hard part is finding one person one wants to spend time with, not dealing with a whole flock.
I also think it is foolish to date only one person in the initial stages because usually the other person is dating others or open to it so why make that sort of sacrifice?
You will not ever sort out confusion by sending a long winded email. You just add to it that way. If you want to know what someone is thinking/feeling, wait until you get them on the phone to try and clarify. And if they say they will call you and they don't, it doesn't matter what they are thinking/feeling, so just move on and be proud of yourself for NOT sleeping with him.
All you do when you send emails like you did is end up driving yourself crazy when you don't get a response.
I agree with you that once I have found someone who is compatible and I think I want to focus on, I do stop dating others. And certainly that happens before I am intimate with someone. But in the early stages - in the OP's case after just ONE date - absolutely not. Only a small percentage of first dates (esp. with online dating) end up leading to even second dates, much less a relationship, so I don't see the point in cutting off all other prospects after just one good date.
But I understand that not everyone agrees with that approach. C'est la vie. :)
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