How long to wait for a guy to reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How long to wait for a guy to reply?
45
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am
Hi

A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'

I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )

I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?

help, I really like him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:59pm

Why wouldn't you assume that she was dating others unless and until the two of you had clearly discussed and agreed to exclusivity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:00pm
Well this was a sleepover - the guy lives in another city, so it was a big deal to me that he came to visit and he stayed all night but left at 7am to catch a flight... but of course would leave the 'future' of such a relationship in question.

I'm really not great with dating, i hate games, I'm very direct.... I get frustrated when people beat around the bush with me. That's why I tend to question them up front so I am not thining about them for weeks or months. I'm a pretty passionate person so I can't just 'turn' my feelings on and off based on one date... chances are, before the first date, I've already thought a lot about being with the person in teh first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:19pm
I don't consider it a game to give someone space to get to know you. I do consider it a game to mention in an email that you're dating someone else as some sort of strategy to make someone jealous. It's all in how you look at it, I guess. I also don't consider it direct to contact a man by email to ask what his intentions are after a first date when the purpose is not to discern his intentions but to quell your insecurity (which is normal) as to whether he likes you. Direct would be telling the man that you were contacting him because you liked him and were concerned that you had not heard from him and needed reassurance. That is not an email I would feel comfortable to sending to someone I didn't know well/wasn't ready to be vulnerable with - but that to me would be direct.

Deena37 (formerly deena33)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:41pm
Thanks for the smile, First Amendment..

And to the OP, please just try and forget about this fellow. If he calls, he calls... you've contacted too much already, IMO. If you hear from him in the future, try to stay a little cooler. As you can see, it doesn't do you good to zoom the relationship ahead, before you have a better idea what's on HIS mind.

As to the larger issue of telling one man you're dating another, I agree with all those who say... only if he asks. But in this case, it doesn't sound like the OP was trying to make the guy "jealous," per se. I think she was trying to let him know that she goes out with other people, so he wouldn't think she had committed herself to him. Perhaps she didn't say it in the right way, though.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:24pm
Yes, you are right - i totally mentioned my other date to dispel any concerns he had that I was expecting him to commit to a long distance rel with me.

Anyway, I know I should forget him, and i will try but it's hard!! I just wanted to post the 'email' so there were no confusions. I actually think he is traveling all week (he's a pilot), so maybe he will still reply some day.

----------

Hey Alex,

Thanks for your message last week - hope you had fun

in Calgary - did you manage to get MORE holidays?? ; )

I was on the Jetsgo site on sat night (sun) checking

out that 'loonie' sunday thing. My grandmother turns

95 in July so I am trying to get a good deal to get

home... but I have to say, after 30 mins of

frustration with the page not loading and the phone

line busy, I gave up!! You'll have to give your

marketing folks a hard time about needing to upgrade

their web servers ; )

Other than that, I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I

seemed overly enthusiastic last weekend, leaving you a

variety of messages. I have to admit, I'm not the best

with dating games, I just like to have some idea of

what's going on, I hope I didn't make you

uncomfortable.

All I know, is that I really enjoyed meeting you, and

it was nice that you came to visit. I obviously think

you're very attractive, you make me laugh, and I think

we could have some fun times together - in ottawa,

toronto or even down south sometime (I could really

use a vacation). I'm not looking for serious

committment, (I have a date tomorrow, in fact), but I

would love to see you again if you're up for it. I

realize we live in different cities, and your job

takes you all over the place, but I just think it

would be nice to get together a few times in the next

month/2 months and see where it goes... I sensed a bit

of awkwardness last weekend, which I'm sure was mostly

because neither of us knew what we were expecting, but

I think for me, anyway, that would be gone next time.

So, that's it - hope you're having a great week, and

maybe you wouldn't mind telling me what you think. And

oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I picked up a new bottle

of satsuma massage oil that has your name all over it

; )

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:46pm
I know there are books out there, like "The Rules", and lots of folk wisdom about dating that suggests that things should be a certain way, and if they aren't then that means "he's just not that into you".

The problem with that dogma is that not everybody was taught "the rules" when they were growing up. Sure, there are alot of guys who were specifically taught how to behave when dating a woman, but many were NOT.

That said, I've come to the conclusion that personally I'd like to forget I ever read "the rules". The reason is that you can never really get inside someone else's head. And the absence of an act or behaviour, such as a guy not calling within a proscribed time period cannot be accurately interpreted, so why beat yourself up with it?

Yes, it is nice when they are communicative, but hey, they're guys! If he hasn't called back, all that means is he hasn't called back yet. He may see no need to call or communicate again until he plans to come back. Or anything else could be going on.

The point is, you don't know what it means, so why leap to interpret this as rejection?

There's plenty of real rejection in life, why seek out the experience?

It's just unfinished business. And I'm sure you have other unfinished business in your life that you can keep yourself amused with.

Besides, if you're concerned that you might be doing something "wrong", wouldn't it be more convenient to test that theory on local guys?

Have fun, and I suspect that you're not doing anything "wrong" at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:34pm
I thought your name/story sounded familiar! I thought after the last phone call question you had agreed to not contact him? What happened?

Look, no matter what you do at this point, do NOT contact him again. He's a pilot but that doesn't mean he can't make a call here or there. Even my brother (also a pilot) will give me a 2 minute phone call to just say hi and let me know he'll call when he has time. Don't make excuses for this guy!

From the email, it sounds like you got a little insecure and was trying to make up for it by being suggestive and sweet. A lot of us have been there and done that... But next time, let him come to you. You deserve better than running after anyone, even if it's someone you did connect with.

Good luck!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:47pm
Ok, I read the email. My other response is still accurate. You can read insecurity all throughout that email. It just screams "I'm really not sure what is going on because you haven't called but please call because I really want you to ask me out again, even though I have a date with someone else, and if after reading this you are still not sure then please know if you come to see me again I'll sleep with you next time I promise."

ACK!

Rules or no rules - don't give up to a new guy how you are feeling in an email or a voicemail. He might not respond and you'll just end up freaking more than you were when it was just that he hadn't called you back. I know it's hard. When you want someone to call, dammit, you just want them to call! But you have to realize you can't MAKE them call. You can't MAKE them want to see you again. But if you let them know you are feeling that insecurity, you become way less attractive to that other person. If they were tettering on the edge of calling or not calling, you just pushed them to not call. Keep your insecurities for yourself - I promise it's better that way.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:08pm
Yes - guilty as charged. What happened? I broke down... a week for me is like an eternity if I feel something for someone and I don't hear from them. I panicked so I sent the email in case he was concerned about my messagaes the previous weekend... i wanted to explain my issue with the dating games... ultimateely I wanted to make it easy for him to be honest with me (whatever that would be - good or bad). so now I'm here wondereing if his phone message to me thee first time was just a sympathy call... aaaah. I'll just beat myself up about it... but you know, I never forget any guy I liked. They stay with me forever.. just get added to my list of disappointments. aarhrhrhrhrhrhr! Then, most likely, the next 5 guys I date will be 'boring' to me... until maybe one day I'll feel that magic spark again that I feel for this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:10pm
oh - I didn't read the email...

Yeah, I agree with firstamendment.

Maintain your glorious mystery - it's always wasted on a new guy