How long to wait for a guy to reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How long to wait for a guy to reply?
45
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:14am
Hi

A guy I spent about 16 hours with (second meeting, first date) flew back to his town and then I tried to contact him the next day but got voice mail. After telephone tag, he left me a message saying he had a great time on the weekend, that he was going away for 3 days, would call when he gets back 'at some point.'

I did not call again or anything, I waited a week - then I sent an email being honest about havnig had a great time wtih him and how I would like to see him again - get together in the next month or two a few times and see where things go. I said I wasn't looking for serious commitment, and even told him I had another date planned. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me what he thought, and I flirted a bit talking about massage oil with his name 'all over it.' ; )

I've waited another week - so far he has not responded to my mail or called again. How long can go by before a guy will still respond?

help, I really like him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:18pm
Don't beat yourself up! And he doesn't have to be racked up to another disappointment for you... you can make this situation a victory by handling *how* you react to this differently than in your past. Try to empower yourself with this, reminding yourself that *he* missed out on someone that was great, that *he* blew it and that his choices do not make or break you--you are still the person you are with all the great qualities you have to offer.

Memories can only stay as large and vibrant as you allow them to be. If you allow the guys of your past to be big-screen pictures, then you need to shrink them down mentally to little tiny thumbnails. Make the memories smaller and less meaningful.

And as for your next 5 dates, I can guaranty that if you go into with the "they'll be boring" attitude, they definitely will be. Self-fulfilling prophecy--hint, hint! :)

Do not let this guy or his memory take any more time than he and it already has. Put them to rest. If a stranger on the street treated you like crap, would you beat yourself up over it or would you move on and forget about them? Same rule applies here...

I hope this helps. Good luck. And when you feel those negative thoughts coming up, replace them with a positive one!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:18am
So you're the same lady that was posting about the pilot! Hon, you HAVE to stop obsessing over this man. Don't you realize that he runs into hundreds of lonely women every week who think it would be oh so exciting and glamorous to date a pilot? You need to be realistic about him. He hasn't been contacting you, he hasn't answered your email, he is busy flying all around, so he is not AVAILABLE to you.

Your email REEKS of desperation. You might think you wrote a friendly little "I like you but don't need you" note, but it doesn't sound like that to other people!

Just move on. You weren't with this man long enough to be so hung up on him. And it hardly ever pays to chase a man. Any chance you MIGHT have had at getting his interest back was probably killed by that last email. But don't fret about it. Just take it as a lesson learned, and keep a cooler head with the next guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:06pm
I've gone out with many men one or two times who then stopped calling or emailed but never asked me out again. They weren't treating me like crap in the least - they just weren't that into me and that happens often in the early stages of dating. I too have not returned calls after one or two dates because I wasn't interested and I think that treatment was perfectly fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:03pm
It would be nice if this guy just called and let the OP know the deal since it's obvious from her communication that SHE'S interested and wants to know either way. But alas, it's far easier to say nothing and move on, and it's probably better in the long run anyway - do you (the OP) really want some awkward phone conversation where he stumbles on about how he's not ready for a relationship or whatever and then you fall over yourself telling him it's no big deal when in reality you're a little crushed? Nah. Let it go. Let the 'idea' of it go, since that's all it is right now.

16 hours is definitely a long date, but you don't know this guy at all, he could be very charming - but that doesn't mean he's a good person, shares your values, wants the same things as you (no matter what he's said). Time and action are the best indicators of what a person is all about - and look what he's shown you so far, that he can hang out with you for 16 hours - stay at your place (I'm presuming) and then bugger off without a backward glance -- doesn't sound like somebody I'd want to date. Sounds like somebody who wants no strings fun -- and by the sounds of things you want more than that -- he is not for you.

I do think though, that a person who is right for you will not be scared off by you. Don't waste your time angsting over what you could have said and should have done - shoulda coulda woulda. This guy is not for you, and you'll know better next time. Lesson learnt.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:09pm
I have definitely been in situations where I liked someone and then on the second date he did something to change that impression - for example, the guy who called me twice in 1.5 hours after I said I would call him back and the second message sounded anxious - believe me that changed my impression and was part of the reason I chose not to see him again - if he was so clingy after two dates to call me twice because I didn't call him right back that is not someone I want to be with. I find it circular reasoning sometimes to say "if he really was interested you could not scare him off" - as you get to know someone things can scare you off - like the guy who was "perfect" the first 7 weeks and then got drunk in front of me and his parents and walked out on me. Next.

I do not find it wrong of him at all that he spent 16 hours and then didn't call- it takes two and if she didn't want to spend that much time with him so early on she could have cut the date short.

Yes it would have been nice of him to call and reject her rather than this silence but that is a difficult call for most people to make, including me. I have done it only when I have gone out with the man several times and/or we have a previous friendship or connection through family/friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:41pm
STATUS UPDATE

So, for everyone who read my post(s).... just wanted to provide you with an update. I know everyone disagreed with me, but I was adament about wanting to talk live with this guy (the pilot) just ONCE... so today, I called him and it was GOOD!! We chatted and everything seems totally ok with him. He was happy to hear from me, said twice that he had a great time with me that weekend, and said he has been totally busy since we saw each other - today was his first day off. Said he realized that wasn't a good excuse, but ... whatever. I just said I wanted to talk with him because we hadn't chatted since he left, I said I just wanted to make sure I wasn't bugging him or anything... and he said, "No, no, not at all!!" - he thanked me for calling. I said I really suck at dating, and he laughed.. saying, "and I am just totally illiterate with email"... and talked about his service provider crashing all the time, and logging him on and off when he's not there. I didnt' ask if he read the email - i interpreted from his comment that he just isn't good with it.. I didn't want to pressure him. So I just told him about a party I'm having in a few weeks - and asked if he would like an invite. he said sure, to send it.. and he asked what I was doing this weekend. He's going away again... to visit his mom across the country.

Anyway, I ended it because I was at work and had to go (called from my cellphone though).. and so I said, "So.. I'll send you the invite, and well, will we talk again then?" and he said, "Yeah, definitely. Have a great weekend, we'll talk soon."

I feel totally better - I think I can tell when somoeone doesn't want to talk to me, and that was not the case here.. he seemed genuinely hapyp to talk, and I would say he is a guy who needs a lot of SPACE!! I will totally leave him to it.. I'll send the invite and see what happens. At least I know he isn't trying to avoid me or think I'm buggin him. (or he is a very good actor.)

that's it... I'll post again if I hear from him!! I can at least rest easy now... I'm one of those people that believes communication is key.... bad or good, you just have to communicate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:15pm
Well, I hope it works out for you. Hopefully, he'll initiate some contact with you, so you won't be doing so much worrying and calling. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:10pm
Well done Londoness!

Good for you!

Em
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:24pm
To be honest, I still think contacting him speaks a little of "desperation". And, yes, he was nice, but a part of me thinks if he was interested he would have contacted you. But maybe that's just old fashioned of me. Any opinions from some guys?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:00pm
I would interpret your conversation with him as he was happy to hear from you and wants to see you again but is not interested enough in you to make the effort to see you - if he were truly interested in you, he would have made sure he made specific plans with you - even two weeks in advance or more. My guess is he has some interest and likely will attend your party but at this point I would not focus on this person as having real potential for a relationship. I believe that communication - healthy communication - includes silence and giving someone space - so I find it healthy for me to give someone space if that person does not choose to call me back or contact me - he is communicating by his silence that he is not interested enough to put in the effort and I don't need more of an answer than that. But that's just me.