how many chances u can give to a guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
how many chances u can give to a guy?
10
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:47am

its the craziest story of all times - at least feels to be. 3.5yrs ago we met online - dated on and off. it was always me saying 'i cant do it' every time he needed space and got distant. we both are very complex and living 3500km away never helped. the longest we were apart was a yr. we even tried friendship only but then again got back.

now i moved to a country much closer to do my masters. during yet another break up (i got real upset one day when he told me he wanted to be alone and didnt need a relationship at the moment. so i moved the country w/out leaving him any new contacts). still he found me here and begged for another chance. that we are meant to be and we can make it. i believed. first 3 weeks were great - we saw each other every weekend. but then... problems started again

he couldnt travel and had a lot on his plate so i gave him the space he needed. it lasted days, weeks... now its 3 months that we havent met...during this time i managed to find internship in his country and told him. his reply shocked me as i was sure he wanted to finally live together and to end this freakin distance i HATE so much. he said "i'm sorry but my apartment is too small for 2 of us. u will hate it, we will fight all the time. no, we cant do it yet. refuse the offer or find another place to stay". he just killed me with it. yes, his place is tiny but i will go for anything to be with him.

we had a long talk on msn that night... i was so upset. ready to leave once more and for the last time. he asked to let him travel over as soon as he can and to talk it over. he asked for more time - until he gets rid of some debts and is able to find a bigger place (very very tough in the city where he lives and we both know it).

my problem is that i CAN NOT deal any more with this distance relationship. i want him in my life, i do love him but at the same time i get SO frustrated that he takes this distance much easier than me, that he is ok to let it go for months without changing anything...

he is due to travel over next week... and i dont know what to tell him.. dont know if i should stay or i should go..

please help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 7:37am

narg56...

Considering the plot of your relationship continues to be "the same" over and over again, Pianoguy suggests you either accept it for what it is...OR MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO END THINGS NOW!

He has debts...you have your education. While you might have a mutual affection for one another...neither one can offer a SERIOUS COMMITMENT TO ONE ANOTHER!

So why would you want to keep something going that'll never become serious? You've indicated that you "can't deal with the distance relationship" any longer. If you honestly CAN'T...then become a big girl and END THIS!

A relationship is supposed to be a pleasant experience between 2 people. It doesn't sound like either one of you are REALLY VERY HAPPY?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:13am

thanks for your reply, Pianoguy. so u think there is no chance that things will get serious? this is sad... and probably something for me to talk over when he comes.. he is 30, has a job but because of debts for another year (at least until sept or so) he is tied in... and this is why he asks me to wait until he pays all out...

i really love him so i dont know what to do... how to save it..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:03pm

I think that you are simply on very unstable ground here and that your relationship is shaky. I guess I don't understand how you cannot see each other for over 3 months and then just pop up and say that you are moving to his city and ask to move in with him. Even if you've been keeping in touch, your relationship was not progressing. Given both of your past histories of breaking up with each other because you are not ready for a relationship and then getting back together... what makes you think that you are ready for that HUGE step of moving in with him?

I think the best solution would be to continue with your plans to move for the internship but get a place of your own. Frankly, I think that if you move in together, likely one of you would decide yet again that you are not ready to be in a relationship and you'd have to move anyway. Why not move there and see how you two do actually being together on a more regular basis. You'll now be able to see each other more regularly living in the same city. You can see if your relationship works on a REAL basis, not a long-distance one. I think a lot of minds can be changed once two people that have been in a long-distance relationship finally get together in the same place. Often, you come to find out that you are not as compatible once you spend real time together. It's not necessarily that your relationship is not worth saving or that it's all bad. It's not good, don't get me wrong, but you need your own place. I doubt that your relationship will get better but you never know. The move to his city could wind up being the best thing that ever happened to you but you have to be prepared that it won't work. Thus why you really should get your own place. There is nothing worse than having to find a new place to live on short notice because you and your boyfriend broke up. You already said it's tough to find something in that city, can you imagine what would happen if you guys break up again and you need to find something? Not a good situation.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 5:55am

its interesting u r suggesting this - coz this is exactly what he told me that day when he talked it over. and i got completely frustrated and upset. but now when i read ur post i see the logic behind it..

thanks a lot. i really hope him and i will climb out to a much more stable ground and i will give a go to a research of place in his home city. maybe it will work out

ps.may i ask why u doubt it will get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:08am

When nothing has changed, it's usually a good indication that this is how the situation will remain. You have been going through this same pattern with him for some time now. I truly believe that if he wanted to be with you, he would do so. He probably cares for you and likes having you in his life, but that does not mean the two of you have what it takes for a long-term relationship.


When do you give up? When the situation you're in no longer brings you happiness. If when you sit down and think about your life with him and the bad outweighs the good, it's time to get out. So what I would ask you to do is to do just that--evaluate the good and the bad. Sit down, make a list of both. I have a feeling the bad will outweigh the good for you unfortunately.


Hope this helps. Keep us posted.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 10:26am

Because of the history of breaking up and getting back together. Each time you do that, your relationship fractures a little bit more and you get a little more distanced from each other. There's something fundamentally wrong there that either you need to figure out and fix or let it go. There's a new book by the guy that wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" called something like "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's BROKEN". I haven't read it yet, but he was on a local radio station talking about it and he mentions something very much like this. When you have this pattern of doing what you're doing, each time you get back together, there is less and less of a chance that it will work out because the relationship is broken.

Good though. I am glad that you see the logic in trying to get your own place. It makes a lot of sense. I had a friend that was in a similar situation (without all the breakups thought) that moved to her long-distance boy-friend's city. She said that she really wanted her own place not that she was pessimistic about it not working but that it was better to have her own space anyway AND just in case. Good luck, I do hope that it does wind up being a good thing for your relationship.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 11:57am

i guess problem is in me - everytime things got tough i turned my back to him and kicked him out of my life. until he chased me around, until he literally begged for return. idiotic, huh? he believed that i'm the one for him thru bad and good times.

i see it now, before i didnt really understand why my friends called me relationship freak

now i see that i wracked this relationship - and hope its not too late that i noticed it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 1:17pm
You haven't necessarily wrecked it, but you've done a doozy of a job trying! ;-) If you know this relationship is what you want, you need to make an effort to see it through when things get scary. If you get scared, instead of running, maybe talk to him and also figure out WHY you're scared and whether it is a legitimate reason to be scared. You might also think about some kind of counseling to see if there is some reason that you get scared when things are getting too good or too bad.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 2:18am
Just remember that it takes two...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 5:15am
thanks a lot ladies. i feel so much better :)