How much time should I give us
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| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 4:28am |
(sorry this message came out long..)
Hi,
have you ever dated someone and then although felt like you both overall make a good couple, but never quite came to the conclusion that "i am in love and this is it".
it has been 5 months since we met and started dating. i can't say i love him, but at the same time, feel, that we make a good couple. additionally, to makes things more confusing, i find myself getting irritated with him a lot, when he doesnt say/do things the way i would have liked it. these irritations are gettin to me, and are making me wonder why it's happening, but are these reason enough to think of breaking up? these issues might look small but i wonder why i get affected so much.
just as an example, i got irritated once when he preferred playing football (which he loves) over "spending time with me" even though it was his last day before he left for where he lives (it's a long distance relationship). so does it mean he doesn't care for US?
another example: i got irritated when he preferred going on his BIKE (he had offered, but i had refused becoz i didnt feel like going on the bike. he loves his bike) to the store, instead of being with me in the car. so he actually thought of "going separately" to the same place!! i felt really hurt.
Another example: he got home a little early one night(not usual), and didn't call. common sense says that he should have. i waited all night, feeling hurt by the minute.
next day when i mentioned that i was hurt he didn't even call me once, he just kept quiet and did not give ANY explanation as to why he didn't call. weird huh. he could have said something.
Another example: I got a little hurt when he mentioned that when he resumes work, he will not be able to come see me more often. I asked him "what about weekends". He said "i'll be busy over weekends too. atleast this first month". he teaches and it's a fresh semester starting.
anyways, i hope you get the drift....
is this his carelessness, or is the problem ME?
i know he is interested in me (he has been the one to pursue me and make this relationship happen) and has long range plans with me, but I feel like he is treating our relationship real "casually" and I feel like I am being taken for granted sometimes. I am still not "in love" with the person too. Is it because we are not meant to be?
How much time do you think I should give us? approximately?
I know his and my time is pretty valuable, and I don't want us to use up our time in the wrong relationship. We are both adults now in our late 20's, and want to get settled in life with the right partner.

maybe your boyfriend is actually, showing, not telling you (as they say) who is really is. football is important to him and you're not going to change that. riding his bike is important to him, and you're not going to change that. as i said before, you could try to talk this out with him, but be prepared for the possibility that he might not be willing to compromise. my boyfriend has hobbies, and i learned that he's not so good at compromising them for me.
in the end, all i did was prolong the inevitable. i had a gut feeling that these things weren't right, but i thought we made a great couple and that things would work themselves out in time. that never happened. all i did was go against my gut, and three years later, i'm dealing with the same crap i dealt with before.
hopefully, your boyfriend will be more diplomatic. however, i tend to believe that when you date someone, that's the best they're going to be because they want to impress you. do you think this is his best?
Hi lflgirl!
Would you care for a man's opinion on your situation? Pianoguy would like to share one with YOU (and the rest of the ivillagers who are reading this) if that's okay?
Once we have found "the girl of our dreams"---one of the most difficult decisions we're forced to make is choosing to spend OUR FREE TIME with YOU....or make an attempt to ALSO PURSUE OUR HOBBIES and (possibly) 'hang-out' with friends we've known for years! This DOESN'T necessarily mean you're "2nd place" in our eyes. It's just that we also enjoy spending some of our free time with others and continue enjoying interests that make us HAPPY!
Whether your b/f chooses to include you in some of his "favorite activities" really depends upon YOUR enthusiasm and willingness to participate? Some women wouldn't be caught dead bungy jumping! Or spending a day "just fishing" at the lake! OTHERS WOULD LOVE TO DO BOTH! So (assuming you've been invited)...you have the option of accepting the invitation to "play" or just give your b/f the afternoon OFF...and do stuff YOU WISH TO DO instead?
Here's something to think about:
If you plan to 'pit' your b/f's work, his hobbies, or his responsibilities...and use these as a reason (or 'wedge') to break-off the relationship the 2 of you currently have together....YOU MIGHT AS WELL END THINGS NOW! Sorry if I sound a little negative. But even MARRIED MEN deserve the option of pursuing their personal interests from time-to-time.....assuming that interest DOESN'T INVOLVE CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES!
If you're feeling insecure about the longevity of what the 2 of you have had together...perhaps you should take a month away from each other? It's amazing what a little separation will do when it comes to strengthening a relationship....OR eliminating it entirely???
Best wishes, warm thoughts, and good luck!
Pianoguy
thanks for your thoughts iv_nancy1000, pianoguy.
i have always been supportive of his other interests. i have sat and waited for him, read a book or talked to my friends on the phone while he went played soccer. i know a balanced lifestyle is healthy. BUT, thinking about playing right the evening before he left town for another month? i felt hurt. atleast, on this particular evening, he could have thought about devoting it entirely to me and us? especially since he goes plays soccer every weekday evening (at a time when couples go out and enjoy the evening together). but i still try not to be resentful and just keep myself busy, even though a beautiful evening passes by alone.
i don't know sometimes whether it's me or him. sometimes, i believe he should "give up" his interests "some days" (without my TELLING him to) and devote it to us, especially since we have a long distance thing and don't anyway get to be together each and every day.
iv_nancy, i know that "earlier" in the relationship he was MUCH stronger in showing that he loved me ... flowers, cards... etc, and now, he has become more "relaxed". and i don't know whether this is due to a subsiding interest level, or is this "normal".
it is possible he is being "ignorant" about what is required. i could try talking to him...
sigh..
the long distance is i guess working for him, since he has all the time to pursue whatever he wants to. the few days he is here, he could make it more special for us, but he doesn't. he probably thinks just his "being around" is what matters, even if we spend it apart doing different things.
it's hard figuring out whether this is meant to be, or not. i love certain things about him...like how he makes me laugh, how we make a good team, and how he handles my emotions calmly, but, i am surely not "in love" with him (and not in love, because of him making me upset?). but attached enough to "expect" things from him, specially when i am giving so much of ME to him.
i wish this wasn't so complicated.
i don't want to make the mistake of hanging on to something that isn't meant to be.
Once again, I completely see what pianoguy meant.
Your BF is spending his free time as he wishes to spend his time, even if your relationship is long distance. Chances are, you're not the only thing he misses while he's away. He probably has his friends that play soccer with him. He probably misses riding his bike. You didn't say he wanted to go separately - You said you didn't want to ride the bike with him, and that was that.
While I understand that you wish he'd put more effort into his relationship with you, I think your BF has other loves in his life. You've only been dating 5 months (that's not long at all). Men don't like to be asked to give things up for the sake of a relationship... Especially so early on. He's still trying to figure out if you're worth his time! Demanding these sacrifices is commonly considered a deal-breaker for most men I know. I have 5 brothers - and we're all best friends. Believe me, they hate when a girl complains that he plays video games too much, chooses football over her, goes to the gym too often or spends too much time with his friends. These are red flags that a girl is trying to be controlling/manipulative, and it scares them off.
Very early in our relationship, my BF would actually tell me he'd rather stay home and relax than hang out with me sometimes. He would go to the gym, come home and shower, then play video games all day. Or build PCs. Or practice sword-fighting. Did that piss me off? Hell yes. But you know what I did? I took on hobbies of my own. I'd take my son to the park or zoo. I play guitar and sing, so I would meet up with my friends and practice with the band all day (my son loves the drums). Then at night, my friends and I would go out for some dinner.
I let him do his thing. He didn't give me priority because of his hobbies, so I made sure I wasn't neglecting my own. He'd call me when he was finally up to going out, and if I wasn't too busy, I'd hang out with him and have an amazing time. I even showed geniune interest in his hobbies. I played some video games while I visited, and he taught me how to safely sword-fight :)
If we spent time together, I wanted it to be because he WANTED to be with me. Not because I begged for it. As our relationship matured, we made more time for each other. We even merged a few hobbies! We still have our own lives, but our relationship is top priority.
5 months isn't long. I would encourage you to respect his personal time, and make the time you DO spend together memorable. Imagine how happy he'd be if you made plans for a date and surprised him by insisting you take the bike instead of the car. Put your hair in a scrunchie, put on a helmet and ROOOOLLLL with it! Or cheer him on at a soccer game. Respect all his loves, and he'll probably love YOU for it.
Good luck, and tons of warm wishes!
-Isis
hi isis....
thanks for ur thoughts. once again, i am "not" telling him to STOP and choose me over his interests. just that, a "balance" is necessary, and my viewpoint is that, at this crucial time making each feel special should be normal. yeah, it is only 5 months, and he is already relaxing way too much. that scares me about what's to come 5 years from now!
yes, when he Does want to spend time with me, it should come "from the heart" and not because he is feeling forced, i agree. and when it doesnt come from the heart, i am supposed to keep waiting i guess. seething inside. it's a catch-22 i think.
u r right, if he is pursuing his hobbies, despite having a new girl in his life who he has long term plans with, then yes, i shouldnt be behind either. that should let him know i am not waiting for him all the time. but, to me, this doesnt come naturally when i am invested in a relationship. sure, i give some time to my interests and things i have to do, but there's nothing that takes me away from him "each and every day". i rather be with my partner.
yes, i do ride the bike with him, and actually it's quite enjoyable, but am not up for it at all times. unfortunately, i cannot play football with him. it only has guys in that team.
It sounds like you simply have different views on how much time partners in a relationship should spend together. So you have 3 choices here, as I see it: ask him to compromise so that you get some of what you want and he gets some of what he wants and see if he is willing to do so; accept him AS IS; or move on.
Sheri