how to overcome jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
how to overcome jealousy
2
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 1:11am
I have been involved with a very sweet, charming kind man. He is just about everything I look for in a man and am in love with him and he with me.

thing is tho, is an ex of his. They "dated" less then 1 1/2 months. She was very young and turned out immature. Thing is tho that he fell for her and hard. At first she said she felt the same way. Then she started to change, or show her real self. She never wanted to be seen out in public with him, was embarassed in fact. She stopped having sex with him cause she said that was wrong and she didnt want it.

Then she just started ignoring him, never giving him a reason as to why. He'd call her and she wouldn't return his phone calls, emails etc. Then when she did she said that he was calling too much or sending too many emails.

he even gave her a present that she never said thank you for or even that she had received it.

So basically she broke his heart, shattered it.

Then she turns around and tries to set us up, hook us up (tho we had already been talking and had planned our first date before she said anything but she doesnt kno that) Things were going great and me and him were having a great time together and falling in love. Then recently she started asking questins about us, how we were doing and so on. I would never tell her anything cause i didnt like her in my personal business.

She sent him and email telling him that she only wanted to set us up as a plan to see how he really was, adn taht it worked. Well that made him mad knowing she was wanting to mess with two people's emotions like that.

Thing is tho that he still has feelings for her, he said the whole situation, what she did makes him mad at times but yet sad.

We all work together (on different shifts, well he is me and her aren't) and i have been getting jealous over her. she has been talking him via computer constantly when ever he is still logged in when we come on. he says she keeps going from non friendly to friendly and keeps changing her mind.

he said that he wouldnt take her back if she asked cause he had no way of knowing if she would do the same thing down the line (she has done this in past relationships as well) but i still cant get over being jealous of her esp when she talks to him or sends him an email.

It pisses me off knowing what she did to him and the way she treated him especially when he loved her and would do anything to make her happy. She doesnt known that he has told me about their relationship (least not that i know of).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this jealousy of her?


sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 1:46am
I can't blame you for being jealous since it sounds like you don't have a secure relationship with him...meaning, he is still vulnerable to having feelings about her to completely let go and focus on you as his primary relationship now. By the way, are you two currently boyfriend-girlfriend or just casually dating? Does his ex know that YOU *are* the new woman in his life?

This is critical, when you said: "Thing is tho that he still has feelings for her, he said the whole situation, what she did makes him mad at times but yet sad." It sounds to me that he has not completely set his boundaries where the ex- is concerned.

Sounds complicated to me, emotionally at least.

If she is a reasonable woman then you have to be clear in letting her know about how her behavior feels intrusive or inappropriate to you (and him -- let him speak for himself), so she knows your position and hopefully be aware of things and back off.

Even then, I don't know if you can completely overcome your jealousy. You have to examine yourself where the root of this jealousy is coming from, because jealousy is really a projection of personal insecurities. Being jealou is a normal human reaction that can even motivate people to be competitive with themselves in a positive and productive kind of way, but jealousy can also be destructive if it is affecting your relationship with others and how you view your own self-worth.









Edited 3/13/2004 9:59 am ET ET by carmelsf

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:55am
You don't care that he was hurt by her - you only care that she is still in his life to some extent. However, if you trust him there is no issue - she could undress in front of him and he would tell her to go away - she is not the problem - she is allowed to email him and flirt - and he can email back if he wants to - or he can choose to press delete - he never promised not to have friends of the opposite sex and being angry at her is misplaced - for whatever reason you don't trust him not to respond to her and that is what you need to focus on.

Almost every relationship ends with someone getting hurt - the amicable endings are few and far between - and it is usually no one's fault.

Do you trust him - if the answer is yes it is your job to stop checking up on whether she's emailing him and tell him you would rather not know.