How to say "I love you"??
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| Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:46pm |
He left a message saying he wanted to talk, but since I was very mad at him for hurting me so badly, I didn't call him back. Then on Sunday, he called again, and I didn't pick up again, and he left the saddest message. He, on the machine, said that he was really sorry and that he didn't know what he did and then he said "I love you," which I had never heard before from him...and then he said, "I know I hurt you, and I am so sorry, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again, and I hope that no other person ever hurts you like I hurt you." and then he told me to call him back. Well, knowing him, and knowing what an "I love you" means, I wrestled with it for five hours before calling him back. I called and he was so excited to hear from me, and it was so weird, but we agreed (or at least he invited himself over) to talk and we talked. He told me everythign...that the whole breakup was an excuse because he was terrified and that he never felt this way about anyone, and that he could really see a long term future with me. And its weird, but I know he meant it because he was literally shaking physically, because he was either so nervous and freaking out. So that night we talked about everything and I missed him so much and then, one thing led to another and we kinda got back together, physically.
It was so crazy good, but he kept asking me "can we officially be back together?" and "would you be my girlfriend again" and I kept telling him no. He broke my heart two weeks ago, and I felt like that wasn't his yet. Then, he looked me dead on in the eye and said, "I love you," but the worst thing was, i know that I feel it, but, I coudln't say it. I mean, I felt like if i said it, I woudl just be giving him the chance to hurt me even worse than before, and I'm not sure about him yet. Him and me right now all feels so surreal...like its not really happening, and that I'm just dreaming it, because for those two weeks that we weren't together, thats what I was hoping and praying for. So when he said those words, I told him that I couldn't say that back yet, and I think I really hurt him with that. But isnt that totally understandable? I feel like I am an awful person for saying that to him, because i know how much it hurts to say it and to have someone say something awful like that back to them.
That was two days ago. Last night, he and I spent the night together again, and neither of us said it. It was terrible. I feel it, I know i do, and i've already said it to him once before. Why can't I just say it? And now that I feel like I've been awful, I feel like i dont even know how to say it! Do you just throw it out there or what?? How do I tell him I love him NOW?? I can tell its really affecting and bothering him, and I don't want to hurt him because I love him.
