How should I handle this??......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
How should I handle this??......
2
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:13am
I have a question? How should I handle this??

I am a male, 37 years of age. I have a girlfriend 34years of age and we are now for about 5 months in a relation ship.

Just a short history of both of us. We are both divorced because of our partners that fooled around.

I am staying in my own house with know family staying close to me. I am an absolute individual person who is completely independent. I have learned to do every thing by my self. Every thing I have I have built up myself.

She is staying with her mom in one house. Her dad has passed away about 5 years ago. She also has a son (7y) staying with her and her mom.

Then her 2 sisters sons age 21 & 17 is also staying with her mom. So it is she and her son, plus these other 2 boys stating with her mom.

From the day I met her they are around her. She and these 2 guys are worst then friends. They often play with each other by tickling, or bullying or in some way they looking for attention by each other. Every time when I go visit there she will sit with the oldest one on the couch watching TV. She will lay on his shoulder with her hands on his leg. They are like two lovebirds holding onto each other.

The moment when I walk in they will like feeling uncomfortable because of my presence. Or will I say, I just get the feeling. Then they will slowly like change their position and she will sit to my side. Maybe I am a person that is two jealous. But I found this a little overboard. When I go home at night he will still be there around. I know that they are blood family. But it is as if I am just getting a feeling that they are comforting each other in a way. I spoke to her about it. She said to me that she is for them like a mother and she is the only one they know. They always discuss their problems with her and see her more as a mother. She herself also said that she knows she is over protective over them.

I must admit that I am at a time that I cannot handle it any more and just want to stop the relationship. I feel as if I am only a secured comfort zone for her. I have put in a lot of emotional energy, money, and of time ect ect. But all this does not make a difference between the two of them. I am emotionally tired and feel as if I completely want to back of and just get out of this. I feel that we are big people and that we know the facts of life and the responsibilities to our partners. On weekends she comes and stay with me at my place. Then we have no problems at all. We are planning to move in together with in 4 months time.

Secondly…. When her mom is going away on leave. She is responsible for the cooking in the house. She must be there watching these 2 guys. For me they are big enough to look after themselves. The last time her mom went away she would tell me that she leaves them and they can do every thing themselves. She then came to stay with me at that time. But then every second day she will tell me that she needs to go and do this and that. Or she forgot this and that. When we get there she will quickly take out some foot and start cooking for them while I watch TV. She will then keep her self-busy in the room with all sorts of junk. I can easily see what she is doing. I then get so upset that I just want to leave. But I am a softhearted person and just leave it. After 2 hours or so we would leave again. I do not think I want to cope with this. Is this normal?????? Can people have such a strong relationship as family? I have a brother and sister and we are not at all like this.

Pleas fill me in more on what you think is going on, and on what is actually going on here. I need my eyes to be opened in a way. Or am I blindfolded by love.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:50pm
Hmm...blinded by love? No. It doesn't sound like you deeply care for this woman. It sounds like you feel you have more to offer than she does. Like you are keeping "count". I don't know the what amount of time, energy and money you are putting into the r/ship but you seem to think its not balanced. So pull back. Stop putting more than "your share" in. But I suspect what is happening here is that she is a fulfilling a mother role to these boys. And you see them as "guys" in her life, not "sons". Women will put their "sons" before you...you can't expect her to drop them for you after 5 mos. Do you feel the same way when she must cook for her 7 yr old son? Or when she cuddles him on the couch?

I do think at 21 & 17 you CAN cook for yourself...but she probably likes to feel needed...so you can approach this by explaining what it is you need in this r/ship? Be very clear and very direct...ie, I need to see you "x" amount of time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:38pm

Hello marconi_love!