How should I proceed?
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| Sat, 04-01-2006 - 4:35pm |
Hello,
I'm 35 and I've been dating someone (44) for about a month. It's been great and we're compatible on many levels. We had sex/made love for the first time last weekend which I thought was great, although neither of us made a big deal of it the next day either positive or negative -- maybe because it was somewhat early in the relationship. Since then, we've been spending time together and he calls often, but I can definitely feel he's distanced himself from the sexual part with me. I have to say, I feel rejected because he's pulled back from the sex and has set a different, slower pace. Yet part of me wants to believe that he's doing this out of sincerity and honestly wants to see if this can be something more, which would be great.
I guess I'm not sure how to take this at this point and thought I'd ask for any advice or input you may have.
Thank you.
Edited 4/1/2006 5:54 pm ET by luky4elle

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Hi there. Thank you for asking. Things heated up for us on the physical side. But at the same time, as we were getting to know each other more, things became very awkward. We weren't relating all that well. And neither of us knew how to step away from that and remain together. We discussed how having sex early on didn't create a big difference one way or the other (and we had a nice time) -- and that it felt more a case of bad timing and mismatched energy -- anyhow, it just sort of fizzled out this time around.
He left for a vacation to visit friends. We might reconnect later in the spring, because we did have some nice commonalities and maybe the connection would be different, but we'll see....
Sorry to hear about that, but if it helps I do agree with what you had been saying.
I don't care to know the intimate details, drama, how many trimups, or other stuff the individual has had in the past. But unless there is some knowledge of past relationships it doesn't help me to move forward. If they have an x, I want to know what their overall relationship is like and some idea of why the breakdown occurred. I'd think they would want to know if I'm in the habit of leaving someone on good terms or prone to smashing windshields.
I'm also open and feel if I'm not going to be able to share all of me, they are falling for some fantasy image, which would be too exhaustive to keep up. Must be my age that I tire easily, lol. I have a clear idea of what type of relationship I want, which doesn't include marriage so I'm quick to express it without going into a lot of detail. If I'm not what they are looking for or vice versa, it is best not to keep going. If they are also unable to open up a bit and provide the same, it isn't going to work. I need a friend first and part of having a friend is being able to talk about anything - if they can't even open up that much or are uncomfortable with me sharing I doubt it will work. If something more develops, then great.
Guess that is why I'm not big on "dating" and find the online dating more to my preference. It gives me the opportunity to get to know someone a bit before even going for that coffee, and provides both of us the option to end things early on. Right now there are 2 men which interest me and we are talking on msn, emails, etc. We are able to share our thoughts, joke around, and build the foundation for a friendship. If that works, I'll meet them and continue getting to know them before moving into the dating. I don't think I'm wasting my time, even if it ends up the chemistry isn't there I normally end up with a good friend.
Doesn't work for everyone, but I've found in the past if there is chemistry it can cloud my judgement, add confusion, and move things too fast. Since I believe friendship is the basis of a strong relationship, this works well for me.
Cheryl
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I think your approach is a good one. Being able to communicate at the level of friends I think provides a comfortable environment where you can explore if there's anything more. If that's not there, well, everything gets clouded for me. But then, that's how I've generally operated in dating and relationships.
Last evening I went on a second date with someone I met about 2 months ago online. We didn't go out on a date until last weekend per my dealings with the other person.
This person is very comfortable for me to be around. His sense of humor draws me in and makes me feel at ease. His communication skills are very good and we meet well on that level. He's a lot of fun and I find myself smiling and/or laughing about 95% of the time we're together. I don't have the same feeling of wanting to get physical with him right away, yet we did kiss and I feel a good level of chemistry with him. It's just not this rushing racing feeling to get down to it! ;-) It's a softer, kinder, gentler type of chemistry. Progress on my part? Yes, probably. ...also just maybe better matching, better timing. It's interesting how different things can be.
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