how should i respond? help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
how should i respond? help!
2
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 7:06pm

Hi everyone, i'm a 23 yr old female and i've been in a 4 yr relationship with my boyfriend who could be a whole lot nicer to say the VERY LEAST. I don't live with him, i live with my mother until i'm done with college in a little over a year. Well, here's the thing, i've realized my relationship is going nowhere, but i haven't talked to my bf about this because i'm just not ready to end it yet, but i know it needs to soon, i can't go on this way...he's jealous and can be really rude to me and other people, but their are good things about him which is why it is so hard for me to just say goodbye..as he does love me in the only way he knows how...and it's not healthy for me to stay in it.....
okay now that you know that, keep in mind i haven't told him i don't plan to marry him or move in...but i'm not ready to anything about it yet...i still spend time with him and we get along most of the time

okay, i saw a new dentist a couple months ago and i had such a good time talking with him, he was the most down to earth person i've met in a while, and i even thought to myself how i wish i had a guy like "that". Well, guess who sent me a card in the mail asking me out a couple days ago? Yea, i was shocked, he said he usually doesn't ask patients out and it took him a month to decide to write me..and that he really enjoyed talking with me....
wait, don't jump to conclusions yet, i know i know i don't know him. But i'm so interested in speaking to him again, but i can't because i refuse to be disrespectful and talk to him behind my bf's back since i'm not ready to call it off yet, it's not the right time, and it's not going to be rash just so i can avoid passing up a chance with this awesome man who sent me this card.
So here i am with knots in my stomach because i can't do what i want to do...i would like to at least talk to my dentist again, but i have a boyfriend who doesn't know exactly how i feel about not wanting to move in and get married after i'm done with school. I don't know if i'm asking for advice on how to tell this dentist i have to decline the invitation with a hint that i wish i could go all without disrespecting my bf, but i guess there is no way around it, or is there? Because i just feel aweful about not responding at all and pretending i never got the letter.
So,should i call him and tell him thanks but no thanks, i am involved with someone? Or just ignore it. In his letter is said IF i'm not involved with anyone, AND if i would EVER like to...... so guys or girls, tell me does that mean he doesn't want me to respond and tell him i can't since i'm involved, should i ignore it? The reason i put in all the details is because my judgment is clouded because i AM actually interested.
i know, i sound like an idiot, sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:43am

conflicted812004...

It's pretty obvious that your 4-year relationship isn't making you very happy. Pianoguy also senses that you're afraid to confront your b/f because you're afraid he'll EXPLODE!

So it seems your only course of action is to write a very long letter. Granted...it's the cowards' way out...but if you can get your honest thoughts (and feelings) down on a piece or two of paper...(and be sure and make a copy of the letter for your files)...you might feel a little better? Just prepare yourself for the explosion, because your jealous possessive b/f won't take the news of your 'desire to split' very well!

With the dentist...if it's not against his professional ethics and he asks you out...fine!
BUT...don't use his interest in you as a substitution for the 4-year relationship that you've decided to end! The last thing you want is to link yourself up with a man who will use his "drill" if he doesn't like your attitude or behavior!

Take it S-L-O-W!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 10:43pm
You sound like my verbally abused friend...he's xyz, but he's really good to me and loves me...in his way. When you start off being so defensive about him, it's bad. No one should have to feel that way about their partner. It's over. Don't drag it out, waiting for the 'right time'. His mother will get sick and you won't be able to leave him then, it'll be your anniversary and you can't break up with him then, you'll have a zit and you won't be able to break up with him then...from what you've written it's been over for awhile and you're just going through the motions.
About the dentist, write a short note and tell him that you're pleased, but you're in a relationship. Do not meet him for coffee or try to be friends with him, you know that's a lie. DO call him once you've gotten rid of your boyfriend and ask him out.