How slow is slow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
How slow is slow?
10
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:36pm

I am 46 years old and have had a crush on a co-worker for over 4 years. Another young male co-worker played matchmaker and my crush has found out my secret. He flirted letting me know he was interested and the week before Christmas we exchanged phone numbers. He called me the Friday before Christmas and we talked for 5 hours that first phone conversation. I found out that he moved to the area 5 years ago leaving behind a wife and children. His wife had left him and he just needed a fresh start. He is currently divorced and not pining for the wife except he hasn't had a relationship since. At work he is perceived as a real nice guy always smiling and enjoying his friendships at work. He says he isn't that nice person. That he has a sarcastic personality that he doesn't let too many people see. He has the most amazing smile I have ever seen and I told him this. He is a large man with low self-esteem. He is 51 years old and has spent the bulk of the past 5 years alone and what he calls a hermit existence. He cautions me constantly that he isn't sure what he wants in regards to me. I called him on Christmas Day and we spoke a few hours. He was very guarded and warned me again about expecting too much from him. When we are on the phone it seems like 10 minutes when it's actually hours. Never had that before.

We have what we call a gag order at work because we never speak and if we did the rumors would fly and that's not what we're about. He works a different shift from me and that makes it difficult to chat during the week. I came down with a vicious flu bug early last week and I have been out from work since last Tuesday. I sent him an email on Wednesday wishing him a great time as his daughter was driving up for New Years. He responded to that email favorably and I was pleased. I was even more pleased on New Years Eve he called to wish me a Happy New Year and see how I was feeling. His daughter was there and was teasing him talking to me. He is a real nice guy and I really like him which I have told him so.

How slow is slow? the phone call on Christmas Eve almost ended up with me opting out of the whole thing because he was so guarded. He then strongly said he wanted to continue to chat with me as we discussed opting out. I know if I push too hard his poor head will explode and he will bail on me. But how does one do this? I like the slow part but how slow is slow? He wouldn't have talked to me for 5 hours knowing I liked him if he isn't interested. And we talked about everything. Secrets and personal information. All of it. His calling me on New Years Eve was only a 5 minute phone call but I think it spoke volumes in his attempt to gut it out with me. I know he's scared to death. I respect that and he says it comes down to trust. I am not the type of girl that would violate that trust at all so that isn't an issue. I am a good girl. But at my age I do have the tendancy to move a little faster than I can with my crush. But I want to do the best I can to make this work.

Any suggestions??

F

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:07am

He sounds interested in you...but he also sounds like one of what I call the "walking wounded" (which includes SO many of the men in our age group, unfortunately)...in other words, NOT a good bet for a relationship. The best thing he could do for himself to be a healthy partner for anyone would be to get into therapy...but he probably won't, given his age and hermit tendancies.

He's already told you he's not really a nice person. People tell you who they are...believe them. I wonder if the sarcastic personality has anything to do with his ex wife leaving him?

It doesn't matter that YOU wouldn't violate his trust...it sounds like he's got issues that go beyond any one person.

I would proceed cautiously, if at all. You need a healthy partner in order to have a healthy relationship...and he just doesn't sound like a good bet.

Sorry to be pessimistic, but having just had an extremely painful breakup with a 49 year old guy who had similar issues, it's hard not to be.

However, if you decide to give it a shot, I think all you can do is be patient and let him drive the bus.

Good luck, keep us posted on how it turns out!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 7:33am

One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life was to not listen to a person when he warned me against him. You've said <> And then <<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:40am

I completely agree!! Something drives me towards him and on that Christmas Day conversation I heard those bells and alarms loud and clear. I was the one that was going to make a decision to opt out when he strongly said he wanted to continue. Maybe it's the old Fluffy to the rescue I don't know. I have very little invested and it makes it easier to sit back and leave him be to "drive the bus". I have been single all my life and know alittle about the existence he describes and I know how badly I want to free myself from it so maybe I feel there is some hope.

Thanks

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:43am

Thanks Sheri for your response. One question though.

I have the ability to read auras and am quite intuitive towards people. (Everyone has the ability some never hone them). This man comes over to my side of the floor once a day to visit some people who he worked with previously. He always has that amazing smile and laughs and makes them laugh. He is "lit up" each time he wanders over. His aura is amazing and it's been so hard to believe that the person I talk to on the phone who proclaims he is not a nice person and that lit up person is one in the same. What am I suppose to believe his words or his actions??

F

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:48am

It's possible he behaves differently towards co-workers than he does in an intimate relationship. I think my ex's friends, for example, would be shocked at how he behaved towards me, because he doesn't show them that side of himself.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:13pm

Thanks Sheri.

I know I have to be real careful that I don't wait too long to opt out and hurt this man. He deserves better than that.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:03pm

Think about yourself and your own feelings.

You say <>

How about, "I know I have to be real careful that I don't wait too long to opt out and I get too attached to this man and get hurt. I deserve better than that."

He isn't ready for a relationship right now and who knows if he'll ever be? Why waste time finding out? It seems to me you want to settle down and he has the "been there, done that" outlook about marriage.

Also, most people don't let their sarcastic, difficult side show at work. If they did, they'd probably be fired for unprofessional behaviour. He most likely wants to climb the corporate ladder and charm never hurt when it comes to getting a promotion.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:09pm

The first thing that comes to mind on your post is that this man has bought himself an insurance policy on dating you. He says he isn't a nice person, that way if he behaves badly he can say he told you so. He says that he is indecisive and has a bad track record, that way if he behaves badly he can say he told you so.

The problem with a multi-year crush is that you have got this idea in your mind what this guy is all about. Unfortunately, it's fantasy. What you really have is a man that enjoys his phone calls with you, but isn't chomping at the bit to ask you out to dinner. Alarm bells, red flags, danger Will Robinson danger.

Let's put this guy aside for a minute and concentrate on who you are fluffybuttdiva. What do you want from a relationship and will this guy have a remote chance of fulfilling YOUR needs. Let's not worry about this man hurting you, let's worry about him wasting YOUR valuable time getting YOUR hopes up.

Here is what you need to do:

This man knows you like him. The next time he calls and expects another egoboosting 5 hour conversation, cut the call short after 10 minutes. Tell this man that you can't stay on the phone because you have things to do, but you would like to get together with him on Friday at 7:00PM to grab a quick bite at the cafe down the street. If he starts talking about his drama and trauma and his needs to take things slowly and he might hurt you blah blah blah, tell him you will talk to him later.....much later.

Remember, you aren't a psychotherapist ready to fix his issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:19pm

He has already indicated he isn't ready for a real date at this point. He was real clear on that. I have resolved not to waste a lot of time, energy or money with this man. I won't pay for the phone calls and I won't take his calls at a time when the energy level is low. (I have a compromised immune system due to Neuropathy from fusion surgery on my C-spine in 2001.) With this flu situation my whole being is worried about me only right now.

I know what everyone is saying and I am listening. There are no buts to this because I know what you're saying is true. He isn't ready for a relationship and I am definitely looking for a long term relationship at this point.

thanks!!

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:23pm

I am not too invested here at this point because he is so guarded. And I know that this has changed his life a bit in the past few weeks. His confidence has risen with my "liking him" even though he doesn't understand why. He's a great guy somewhere deep inside of him but will he ever let me see it? I doubt it.

Thanks!!

F