How Soon Before I Cut Him Off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
How Soon Before I Cut Him Off?
7
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:26pm
As I am just getting my feet wet, dating wise, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I think I have turned into a very picky dater, and I don't want to be. Of the few guys that I have met, I haven't been interested in any of them. But I'm also not sure I gave them much of a chance. I hear stories all the time of "I wasn't interested at first, but..." I also would hate for a guy I'm interested in to rule me out before he got a chance to know me, especially because I know in general it takes longer to figure me out than most other people.

Two of them I mustered up the resolve to go out with. The first guy I went out with twice, despite not being overwhelmed after date one. I must have been right about him because he stopped calling after date #2 and I didn't care at all, which is unusual to me because I place a lot (okay, too much) of importance on what others think of me regardless of what I think of them.

The second guy did continue to call after our date but I just couldn't muster up the energy to call him back. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him and I don't know why I don't want to talk to him.

There have been a handful of others that I never even so much as went out with. But, again, there's nothing wrong with them. I like to use the excuse that they didn't make me laugh, but other than that I don't know.

Part of me thinks that maybe my intuition is telling me who's right and who isn't. I'm looking for a "spark" that I never really had before. But, those guys that I did have that spark for turned out to be various assortments of losers and jackholes, so perhaps I should be running FROM the spark instead of TOWARD it. I wonder sometimes if I'm only attracted to guys I don't think I can get...but that's a whole other post I suppose.

I guess my main question is what's a fair amount of time before deciding you're not interested in someone? Is it reasonable to not be interested in someone without even knowing why? How much of a chance do you give a guy before you cut the cord?


any advice to this confused soul is greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:35pm
I have a 3 date rule.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:42pm
skeletonheart...

There is NO specific time frame because every man you meet will either turn you off after 1 or 2 dates....or impress you enough for a few more?

The issue is how YOU are treated by these gentlemen and what they see in your personality!Pianoguy senses that the vibes you're giving off are mostly "negative" or perhaps...the "I'm not really interested in you beyond tonight's date" vibe.

How many men are gonna stay interested if this is the way you honestly feel about 'em?

I guess if you're expecting 100% perfection in anybody (male or female)...you'll probably wind up becoming a "lonely old spinster!" And there's nothing wrong with that assuming that you can be comfortable by yourself or with a 4-legged pet!

Try to remember one thing...please??? There's a BIG difference between being "a little picky" about someone as opposed to being "OUTRAGEOUSLY PICKY!"

At least it's something to think about before your NEXT date...right?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 1:05pm
Wendie,

thanks! you know, once upon a time i initiated a three-date rule...but somehow i mixed up dates vs. phone calls...i'll try to remember that again.

piano, that's the problem, i feel like i'm in limbo. I'm not turned off...but i'm not impressed either. That's where my confusion comes from.

i probably did give off that vibe after my second date, because he really did piss me off. but i don't think i was negative on the other date. he called several times after that. actually, all of the guys made several future phone calls after my last attempt at contacting them, so either i'm not being negative or they're not picking up on it. hmmm.

i don't KNOW if i'm being outrageously picky. i don't know how i would go about figuring out if i was or not, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 4:56pm
skeletonheart...

Calculate the number of guys you dated, the number of dates, and the length of time they were interested in you. If the numbers come up small...YOU ARE PROBABLY TOO PICKY FOR ANY MAN!

The only way a person can be "in limbo" is to continuously shut herself off when things begin to "heat up!" Keep repeating this same pattern and you'll probably be singing that old Sam Cooke and Cat Stevens tune:

"Another Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody

I got some money cuz I just got paid

But how I wish I had someone to talk to

I'm in an awful way..."

Nuff sung...err...said!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 5:09pm
I also feel your confusion. I pick the guys that I am physically attracted to--but I'q's don't match--professions don't match, etc. Otherwise probably isn't going to turn into the man I will grow old with--I ventured out and even married a guy that I was not "madly attracted" to because I believed what my mom said about "the most important thing as you get older is your friendship with your spouse" Well, when your 60 that may be the case, but no matter how good of friends you are---sooner or later you have to have sex. My point being--I am incredibly picky--I do not even send ANY signals out unless, I am the one interested. And let me tell you--that can make a lonely life---BUT the next time I get seriously involved with someone they will be my friend and I will find them extremely desirable or I will live my life quite nicley with my four legged pets! I will never "settle" again! And you my dear, shouldn't either. I think when it's the right one-it will just happen. You go girl! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 7:16pm
WOW!!! I'm not sure if this is so much of an advice than a comment. You remind me so much of myself!! I've been dating for a while also and no one has really swept me off my feet. Guys I like never end up working out, so what I do now is, as soon as I find that I am interested in a guy, I quickly come to a conclusion that he is not the right one for me. i find plenty of reasons of why I shouldn't be interested so I can convince myself to reject them first before they reject me. And the guys that I'm not so interested in, I end up going out with them anyway...bottom line is, i try to do everything i my power not to get emotionally attached and I do that by picking out all their faults.

Anyway, I think what i am trying to say is maybe both you and I are so afraid of being disappointed by guys who never end up going anyway we feel we have to defend ourselves before they hurt us. as for your question, when should you cut these guys off? i don't think there needs to be a specific timing for that. if you are truly not interested, you can stop talking to them right away, rather than just talking to ppl to boost up your self esteem )since you mentioned you do care what ppl think of you no matter what you think of them - i'm like that too). and the ones that you do like and are interested in, don't do what i do. i know it's hard, but you should just give them a chance. maybe they are not as bad as you want to believe. maybe it is true, you aren't interested at first (or you don't WANT to be interested)....try and be yourself and accept that sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. my ex and i had an incredible chemistry, but let me just tell you it was like torture talking to him when we first met. no chemistry whatsoever. but it did later developed when the timing was finally right.

anyway, good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:46pm
Jackholes?? Can I use that?

You don't want to sift through guys that don't interest you just because of your misfortune with guys that had traits you enjoyed but no shared values with you.

The heck with those losers.

I think you need your own personal test to run on guys you meet to eliminate them as soon as possible. If somebody gives you flack like saying you are "negative" and your test is crazy. Tell him that is a mark. If he laughs and says, "Next question!" with humor and confidence, he is either a player or a winner. If he says to stick your test and huffs off, he may be of a jackhole propensity.

Believe me, it is easy to enjoy and relate to a guy you are interested in, and if you find the right guy, he will appreciate that you were very picky.

You are NOT being picky in a bad sense...you are brave to keep on working on your goal.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

lightship