How to spot a Marriage Proposal?
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| Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:34am |
As a newbie here, would like to seek your help in understanding my situation-hopefully there'll be some answers or guides for me in idenfitying this! :)
Have been dating A for 1+yrs now. We did break up once for 3mths, and we dated different people briefly at the time, but we got back together again-after we somewhat realized we were meant for each other. The reason why I broke it off that time was the fact that he told me he wasn't the marrying type-he felt that it was over-rated. He didn't mind living together, doing the things 'married' people did, but he just didn't believe in the religious aspect of it (i.e.having a church wedding,etc)! I DO want to get married-and hopefully to him. Now that we're back together, I've come to terms that I may never get married if I want to be with him. He's 16yrs my senior (in his 40s) and am not about to change his mind on his views on marriage, I'm in my late 20s.
Despite the age gap, it has never been an issue-we connect in every way; compatability and chemistry. We are comfortable and feel secure with one another while still able to balance our social lives. We have different sets of friends, colleagues etc. which allows us to share/do more things together. However things over the few weeks have gotten more serious- with talks about getting a place together, and me already spending weeks at his place.
So last night, I got a call from him to come "save him" from a nightclub. Apparently he's been out with his colleagues and obviously had a drink too many. So, after "saving him" and now we're having late supper at a diner, he begins to tell me how much he loves me and he's been thinking about how our lives would be like in 20yrs from now, together. Then he suddenly asks me to MARRY HIM!
Was it just spontaneity on his part, or was it the alcohol talking? I already know he gets really emotional when he's had too many drinks, but he's never asked me to marry him. Or was it just his way of approaching this, when he wouldn't have the nerve to when he's sober? At that time, I knew better to not give him an answer as I didn't want to "jump-the-gun" and take things too literally.
I'm thinking of talking to him about this. I do have a feeling he's just going to deny and blame it on the alcohol. So, how do I approach talking to him about this without putting the pressure on him?
Is a marriage proposal "valid" only when there's a ring and him on bended knee?

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Having said all of that, I had an ex once who I was with for quite a long time who claimed to be like your guy when it came to marriage. Not only would he have never even said the word marriage around me but he would have controlled anyone else from uttering the words around me if he could have helped it. I know he loved me very much but he was not about to get married no matter what.
I would bring it up next tim you see him though. I would not let this slip or go for a while because it is important and the two of you either need to classify it as a drunken moment for him or something else entirely. A simple " Hey, you really threw me for a loop last night at the diner" ought to get things rolling.
Thanks to both replies. I know you are right. I managed to talk to him - and as predicted, it was the alcohol talking - because he still admits he's got commitment issues and won't marry me. I.E., He's even got a problem buying a large tub of laundry detergent because he feels he'll be committing himself to using 1 brand for a long time!
Those are examples of what kind of commitment issues I face and endure with/for him, not just love but in life!
It's just a sad situation for me because I finally met someone I want to be with for the rest of my life and to have his children, but will never happen because I WANT to be married. I regard marriage as a scared institution and for me a necessity to build my life with a man.
Frankly I have no idea what both of us are doing - maybe just enjoying the ride KNOWING that we want different things ultimately in the end. On my part - I know this isn't healthy for me but still keep going on because of how much I care for him. I haven't found the strength to leave him, because if I do - I know I'll be settling for someone else (whoeever it may be).
I have lost support from my friends because they know what I've got to put up with and feel that I've brought it onto myself. I totally admit they are right.
I honestly look at the man I have now in my life and thank my lucky stars I found the common sense to want more for myself and the courage to keep looking for it. Breaking up with my ex was devastating. but you may need to do just that to give yourself the chance to have what you deserve. Dont face it alone though even if you think everyone has taken a breather from this situation. Confide in them again and let them know if you are truly considering leaving because you shouldnt go through a breakup that involves ongoing feelings alone. You will only end up going back and alienating friends and family further which serves no purpose. You are young and there is a lot of life for you to be living. Life is too short to be living inside someone else's fear you know?
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Dear girl, if you stay with him, you'll be settling for someone who cannot give you what you want and need. It's sad because you love him enough to stay in a situation with no future, but he doesn't love you enough to make it serious. He loves himself more so he committs to himself and only to himself.
With the committment issues that your BF has, I wouldn't be surprised if he found someone else and dumps you. He has no committment or obligation to you or the relationship. The moment he feels like getting up and leaving he will and he won't look back. I've been on that end and it's really painful.
You should bring it up... He did ask so it's somewhere on your mind. But in a light, lucky for you I don't hold people to things they say when they're drunk but you did ask me to marry you.
Thanks DD,
I have brought it up - unfortunately he's a stubborn and proud man that he has denied the whole thing, still sticking to his "no marriage" philosophy. Instead, probably has back-fired on me as he's starting to push me away. He keeps saying that I deserve better, he's not good enough for me, etc. He's started going MIA on me - not returning my text msgs or phone calls. I did manage to get him on the phone a few times, and he's still assured me that we're still in a r/ship etc.. but apparently he's "confused and angry at himself for treating me in a way I don't deserve." I'm starting to think maybe he's just really clueless on how he should treat a woman well.
On the other hand, we were at a restaurant where the table next to us was celebrating their child's bday. He leans over and tells me that I'll make a great wife & mom (maybe not his?). Gosh.. he just confuses me!!
As for thinking of my future with him - yeah, I don't want to marry a 40+yr old and wait a few more years to have his child. I believe that a man deserves to watch his children grow up and participate in their lives. I believe A doesn't think he's getting older - at all!
I DO want to get married. I would only want to have children with the man I marry. I won't settle for anything less.
I don't see him compromising anything at this moment - and have told him that he's a selfish man. However being his stubborn self, he refuses to admit it - or maybe he hasn't even realized he is!
Somehow deep down inside me I know I need to get out of this r/ship. I just need to take baby steps. I've walked out of the r/ship before - with all the same reasons and doubt. I was a big sucker for going back to him the 2nd time. I figure at the end of the day, I'm still in my 20s - plenty of time to find 'someone' should this not work out. I just hate to see the day where I have to abandon him, knowing he'll be 'alone'.
My friends say I'm addicted to the emotional pain he inflicts on me.. heh
For me, at this current moment love him too much to wonder "What if" in the future.. that's why I want to try so hard to make it work. Maybe it's not for me to answer.
The thing is, he's not selfish for not wanting to get married. No more so than you are selfish for wanting to get married. You're just two different people with different wants and desires out of life, and unfortunately they're not compatible for the long-term.
He has been very clear about his rejection of marriage (well, except for the drunken proposal, and I can definitely see how that would throw you for a loop/give you false hope. But he has since made himself clear on that too)
So, you have all of the information. You know you want to get married. You know he does not. Now you have to decide what to do with the information. If you're really serious about getting married someday, you need to break off the relationship so you have time to heal and find someone who has the same long-term wants as you. Every day you stay with him pushes back your ability to get married.
Hugs. It's not easy, and I wish you all the best!
"He keeps saying that I deserve better, he's not good enough for me, etc. He's started going MIA on me - not returning my text msgs or phone calls. I did manage to get him on the phone a few times, and he's still assured me that we're still in a r/ship etc.. but apparently he's "confused and angry at himself for treating me in a way I don't deserve." I'm starting to think maybe he's just really clueless on how he should treat a woman well."
I just broke up with my partner. I didn't want to. It was the hardest thing I've done in a long time, but what you typed above is how he started to become. He kept telling me he didn't deserve me. He believed it. He started behaving in a way that proved it. He brought about his own demise by doing exactly what would prove how he thought. In the end, I had to believe it too, because he did and he acted accordingly. I know he's a better person than he thinks he is, but I can't show him and I can't save him. I hope he sees it one day, but I can't make him. I hated making that phone call to say I was done. But I needed to do the right thing by me. And him.
Just some food for thought for you.
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