How to tell a woman...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
How to tell a woman...
15
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:20pm
... you're interested in her? Here's the situation... there's a 34 year old woman I'm gaga over. I've known her for 7 years. For five of those years she's had a boyfriend - a very RICH one, off and on. They break up, get back together, break up, get back together, break up... you get the picture. Anyway, during our last phone conversation she was happily telling me about the new multi-million dollar condo he had just bought and that they were moving into. No sooner did she start than I told her I didn't want to hear about it. She asked why. I said I don't want to hear about it. She asked again and I said "I'm not telling you why; I just don't want to hear about it" and changed the subject. The truthful answer would have been "because I've been in love with you for years and I can't think of anything on this earth that could possibly be worse than you moving back in with your former / current boyfriend." Is there any more tactful way to say that without scaring her off? Otherwise, my next answer is also gonna be "I just don't want to hear about it" again.
Thanks!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:30pm

Well, personally I think it's impossible to truly be someone's friend if you're in love with her, because if you were really her FRIEND, you'd be happy for her, because this is what makes HER happy.

So, no, there's probably no way to tell her that you're in love with her and still keep her as a so-called "friend" (because she'll realize there was an ulterior motive behind your "friendship", plus if she has any ethics at all, she will know it's not fair to her BF to keep in touch with you). So unless you're prepared to stop having contact with her, then you'll have to keep your feelings to yourself.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:57pm
Tell her the same as you put in your post. I'm sure she'll be flattered to hear that you have loved her for so many years. At any rate, the worst that would happen is she'll tell you whether or not she feels the same about you. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 2:35am

Is this the same woman/boyfriend you posted about way back when, and got slammed for wanting a relationship with her when she was already with someone (you didn't like)? If so, then doesn't she already KNOW how you feel?

Looking at it objectively, if it's the same woman, it seems like she keeps you around for the ego boost/pick-me-up when things aren't going well with her guy...but she likes what he can give her (materialistically) and that's why she stays... I think she's always known EXACTLY how you feel.

ETA...I read your profile. Check out lulu.com - self publish your book. ;-)




Edited 5/20/2006 2:40 am ET by pureatheart11

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 2:44am
Different chick but similar in many ways. As for the book, I looked into self-publishing but didn't think that was the way to go. What a publisher gets you is market presence and marketING, without which you're kinda dead in the water. Thanks, though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 2:56am

Yeah, kind of a catch 22...need a publisher to get published, but need to get published to get a publisher... Good luck with it, regardless! :-)

Different girl? Hmmm....well I'd still say she already knows how you feel. We're not as naive as we can make ourselves out to be. The question is....what do you think would change if you spelled it out to her? Do you think she'd leave the bf to be with you? If she did, would you be worried that she'd change her mind and go back to him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:54am

It seems like she's really enscounced in this relationship. Exactly what are you getting out of being around someone you love with whom you have no shot? Does she love this guy for real, do you think, or is it about his financial situation.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:56am

A little more: I assume you've heard tons about this guy over the years, was this the first time you objected?


Can you say, Look I have feelings for you and don't want to hear about you and whatever his name is. It upsets me. Yes you can . Do you want to maintain the friendship on the level it's at? it doesn't sound fulfiling for you and may be holding you back.

,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:09pm

I agree with almost everyone who responded thus far, especially the Sheri's (smile) It's hard to imagine how you could be comfortable in this friendship. For several years you've been pining over this woman and suffering through her up and down romance with another man. It's a pretty good bet that she already knows how you feel about her. But she's benefiting from your companionship in some way, so she doesn't distance herself from you, as she really should do. You could be an ego boost for her. Or it could be that she has just become dependent on leaning on you, especially when her relationship is on the rocks. But the real question is, how long will YOU do this to yourself?

I don't think it's productive to keep telling her "I don't want to hear about it" when she starts talking about her relationship. That just isn't a very realistic or honest approach. If it bothers you because you think she's making a mistake by moving in with him, or staying involved with him, then THAT's what you should tell her. But if you're just jealous and hurt, you're not being a true friend when you shut her down like that.

I think the best thing for you would be to distance yourself from this woman. Tell her why you need to get away. It's because you have romantic feelings for her and you know she is in love with someone else. That's just not a good situation for you. If you don't put this into words and you prefer to try and maintain the "friendship" you're choosing to keep yourself locked into a toxic triangle, where you will always be the odd man out and needlessly hurt.

And I also join Dating Doyenne in hoping that you're out there dating other women, or that you will be soon.

Good luck, and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 8:30pm

<< Different chick but similar in many ways. >>

Hmmm, a different girl ... but, you were in love with the other one, too, right? (the one that you wrote about last summer). What's the common denominator (other than you, since we're always the common denominator in our lives) ... seems to me that the common theme is that you tend to "fall in love" with women who are otherwise unavailable Have you asked yourself "why is that?"

I'll take a stab it "why" ... you're a competitive person. You enjoy the "chase", the challenge. You take the approach in life that anything worth having is worth "fighting for" (I mean, figuratively, not literally fighting). You believe that success is defined by what you attain, by the goals you acheive.

Am I close?

If so, the reason you're falling for unavailable women is that you find more value in the "chase" than in the person herself. I know, I know ... doesn't sound great ... but, with all the AVAILABLE women in the world, you seem to want the ones you can't have. Sign of a competitive person? You bet!

When/if you can let go of the "chase", the hunt, the conquest, etc ... you'll be more capable of forming relationships with women who are JUST AS available as you are. But, as it is, you aren't emotionally available, and being unavailable in this regard is what is leading you down this path of continuing to "falling in love" with women who aren't available to you.

An emotionally available person would only choose to align with someone who is also available. Like attracts like.

Therefore, it's my take that you aren't really "in love" with these women (this one, or the one from before) ... but, you're "in love" with the chase. You LOVE the possibility of winning a woman over ... and if in doing so, you were to be successful in winning her over, you'd view that as success ... because the result of the all that pining away, adoring from afar, chipping away at her by means of being "her friend" ... would result in YOU have succeeded in "winning her love."

Seems like a LOT of work, considering there ARE plenty of available women out there.

Listen, newyorkguy ... if a guy whom I considered a friend kept saying to me "I don't want to hear about it" ... I would probably start limiting my contact with that person and/or cutting it off all together. Why? Because any who is TRULY my friend will WANT to hear what's going on in my life, will allow me to share, etc. A friend would WANT me to be happy. And, cutting me off or saying "I don't want to hear it" certainly isn't being my friend, in that a FRIEND will be open to listening and sharing in my happiness.

It is because you have an ulterior motive that you don't want to hear it. And personally, I wouldn't put up with that ... I wouldn't view that as friendship.

So, if you want to keep her as a friend ... you might want to consider rephrasing your responses. But, I too agree with Sheri ... ditto on everything she said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 9:25am

=Have you asked yourself "why is that?"=

Yup, and the answer is that they're really, really cute, really, really personable, really, really interesting, and there is therefore a LOT of competition.

=I'll take a stab it "why" ... you're a competitive person. You enjoy the "chase", the challenge. You take the approach in life that anything worth having is worth "fighting for" (I mean, figuratively, not literally fighting). You believe that success is defined by what you attain, by the goals you acheive. Am I close?=
Yes and no. Yes in that that's true about my personality in general, but not in why I'm out to get one of these chicks (er,ah,um... I mean WOMEN).

=If so, the reason you're falling for unavailable women is that you find more value in the "chase" than in the person herself. I know, I know ... doesn't sound great ... but, with all the AVAILABLE women in the world, you seem to want the ones you can't have. Sign of a competitive person? You bet!=

There aren't that many available women in the world. Take the entire population of them, and there's about about 1% I'd be truly interested in. Of that 1%, maybe 1% of those would find me remotely worth associating with. Of that 1% of 1%, the chances of finding one that's single is, oh, about 1% again. Throw in geographic compatibility, and that knocks out most of those. It's an EXTREMELY small pool of women I have to work with.

=When/if you can let go of the "chase", the hunt, the conquest, etc ... you'll be more capable of forming relationships with women who are JUST AS available as you are.=

There are none. Well, maybe not exactly "none," but very, very, VERY few.

=But, as it is, you aren't emotionally available, and being unavailable in this regard is what is leading you down this path of continuing to "falling in love" with women who aren't available to you.=

I don't fall in love with them because they're unavailable; I fall in love with them because they're cute, sweet, personable and interesting. They also happen to be unavailable because of that.

=An emotionally available person would only choose to align with someone who is also available. Like attracts like.=

If only I could find one.

=Therefore, it's my take that you aren't really "in love" with these women (this one, or the one from before) ... but, you're "in love" with the chase. You LOVE the possibility of winning a woman over ... and if in doing so, you were to be successful in winning her over, you'd view that as success ... because the result of the all that pining away, adoring from afar, chipping away at her by means of being "her friend" ... would result in YOU have succeeded in "winning her love."=

Yes, but that's what every guy since Adam has done.

=Seems like a LOT of work, considering there ARE plenty of available women out there.=

No there aren't. There's very, very, VERY few. And they're well hidden. I remember back when i was a bartender... I thought surely that would be a way to meet girls. Then I discovered a phenomenon I've never seen contradicted... cute girls almost never go out alone. 90% of the time it's with a boyfriend, therefore unavailable, and 10% of the time they travel in packs and are also unavailable.

=Listen, newyorkguy ... if a guy whom I considered a friend kept saying to me "I don't want to hear about it" ... I would probably start limiting my contact with that person and/or cutting it off all together. Why? Because any who is TRULY my friend will WANT to hear what's going on in my life, will allow me to share, etc. A friend would WANT me to be happy. And, cutting me off or saying "I don't want to hear it" certainly isn't being my friend, in that a FRIEND will be open to listening and sharing in my happiness.=

I'd bet that right now, at this very minute, there's one or several guys in your life who are in exactly the same position I'm in. They like you and like talking to you, but could think of nothing better than if you called up one day and said "My boyfriend just dumped me!" He'd be sympathetic, but at the first moment would volunteer "Hey, there's a good movie that just came out -- wanna to see it?"

=It is because you have an ulterior motive that you don't want to hear it. And personally, I wouldn't put up with that ... I wouldn't view that as friendship.=

How about viewing it as being honest? And just to illustrate the point with an extremely hypothetical example... Imagine it was Brad Pitt or George Clooney that liked you while you were dating someone else. He liked talking to you; you liked talking to him; he thought you were gorgeous; you thought he was gorgeous; you got along really, really well... would you not have anything more to do with him if he let it be known that he was interested in you? Or would you just keep the relationship going as it was, and if by some chance you broke up with your boyfriend you'd have someone else you MIGHT want to date?

=So, if you want to keep her as a friend ... you might want to consider rephrasing your responses. But, I too agree with Sheri ... ditto on everything she said.=

I'll have to go back and read hers.

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