How to tell a woman...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
How to tell a woman...
15
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:20pm
... you're interested in her? Here's the situation... there's a 34 year old woman I'm gaga over. I've known her for 7 years. For five of those years she's had a boyfriend - a very RICH one, off and on. They break up, get back together, break up, get back together, break up... you get the picture. Anyway, during our last phone conversation she was happily telling me about the new multi-million dollar condo he had just bought and that they were moving into. No sooner did she start than I told her I didn't want to hear about it. She asked why. I said I don't want to hear about it. She asked again and I said "I'm not telling you why; I just don't want to hear about it" and changed the subject. The truthful answer would have been "because I've been in love with you for years and I can't think of anything on this earth that could possibly be worse than you moving back in with your former / current boyfriend." Is there any more tactful way to say that without scaring her off? Otherwise, my next answer is also gonna be "I just don't want to hear about it" again.
Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 11:56am

I guess two doesn't quite constitute a pattern, but if you find yourself falling in love with an unavailable woman for the third time, then it might be time for some serious self-reflection.

"There aren't that many available women in the world. Take the entire population of them, and there's about about 1% I'd be truly interested in. Of that 1%, maybe 1% of those would find me remotely worth associating with. Of that 1% of 1%, the chances of finding one that's single is, oh, about 1% again. Throw in geographic compatibility, and that knocks out most of those. It's an EXTREMELY small pool of women I have to work with."

Need I even comment? This sounds like a big fat excuse to me and totally baseless. Perhaps you're too picky, but I know MANY attractive, articulate, funny, and accomplished women who are out there looking for good men. Why do you think you'd only be interested in 1% of the population? With this attitude, you might be setting yourself up to be alone for a long time.

This reminds me on a Seinfeld episode where Jerry said 95% of the general population was unattractive and thus, undatable. Thank goodness most people don't think this way--how would people hook up otherwise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 12:57am

<< I don't fall in love with them because they're unavailable; I fall in love with them because they're cute, sweet, personable and interesting. They also happen to be unavailable because of that.>>

While they may be cute, sweet, personable and interesting ... which are all good reasons for these women being unavailable, as you mentioned (and yes, I do agree that that has some merit) ... but, regardless of how impossible you make it out to be (ie, this 1% stuff is just silly) ... there ARE some of those women out there with those attributes ... there just ARE! (or, perhaps you're very, very picky ... and sure, everyone should have their standards, but if your standards are extremely specific ... the only thing you're doing is limiting your options) but anyway, considering that you believe the "pool" is THAT small ... doesn't it stand to reason that IF PERHAPS the RIGHT one with all the right stuff IS out there ... don'tcha think you'll be passing her by while if you're just pining away and falling in love with the unavailable ones!

The point is ... if you're focused on the unavailable women, what you won't be doing is focusing on what IS available in the dating pool ... thus, future options passing you by ... at this very moment. Because, every moment you spend pining away for this girl is a moment you can't get back, is time wasting on meeting a woman out there who might just meet those criteria above.

Because, if you're "in love" with someone else ... is your mind and heart REALLY open to those options?

<< they're well hidden. I remember back when i was a bartender... I thought surely that would be a way to meet girls. Then I discovered a phenomenon I've never seen contradicted... cute girls almost never go out alone. 90% of the time it's with a boyfriend, therefore unavailable, and 10% of the time they travel in packs and are also unavailable. >>

Very focused on your "percentages" aren't you?! :)

All that says above is that "cute girls" don't go to bars alone. But, cute girls go to the bookstore alone, they go to the grocery store alone, they go to the post office alone, they go to the gym alone, they go to the park and walk their dog alone ... they do all kinds of things ALONE.

So, think outside the box ... bars, restaurants, clubs, etc (the *typical* going out places) ... sure, they may not do alone. But, you have to keep your eyes open and be willing to strike up conversation anywhere.

Analogy for you ... I sell real estate. Now, if I relied on the *typical* ways to meet potential clients, I wouldn't have half as many sales as I've had (plus the referrals, etc off those sales). I've sold property to people I've met in all kinds of places ... post office, dog park. Not *typical* but effective.

Same goes for dating. The POOL is open for swimming in its waters ... but, the pool certainly isn't limited to bars, etc.

Have you tried a single's club? An athletic club or something sports related? One of those "Let's do Lunch" events. You have to be willing to look at all avenues.

But, if you're intent on thinking "they're well hidden" ... well then, all you'll be doing is continuing to convince yourself that they're well hidden. You said "If only I could find one" ... they're out there, you just have to look outside the box.

<< I'd bet that right now, at this very minute, there's one or several guys in your life who are in exactly the same position I'm in. >>

Not so much. I'm probably older than you and at a point where, most of my male friends are taken and/or married. The ones who aren't, aren't my "good friends" ... they're more or less just acquaintances. And yes, when I'm not with my BF, I'm spending time with my good friends ... who are mostly women. At one point, yes ... I did have "good friends" who were guys ... and I am still friends with them ... but, they pretty much fall into the first category I spoke of ... they're with someone, as am I ... and I'm friends with their GFs and spouses now, as well. So, I'm more in that "everyone's coupled off" stage of my life, I guess you could say.

<< Imagine it was Brad Pitt or George Clooney that liked you while you were dating someone else. >>

Well, personally, I wouldn't be "liking someone else" while I was with someone, so ... this "extremely hypothetical example" doesn't apply. If I found myself liking someone else while dating someone, I'd take that as my cue that I shouldn't be with the person I'm with ... it wouldn't be right. And, I can *honestly* say that's never happened to me ... liking someone else while I was with someone.

<< would you not have anything more to do with him if he let it be known that he was interested in you? >>

No, as previously stated, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be right to allow a guy to "have hope" that MAYBE he has a chance with me, IF ONLY I was avaialble.

I don't live my life in "what if's", "if only's" or "maybe's" ... never have before, can't see it happening anytime soon. Nor would it EVER get to that "you like him, he likes you" point ... "keep the relationship (friendship) going just in case" point ... because, while in a relationship, I wouldn't be "befriending" a man who thought I was the cat's pajamas ... it's unfair to the guy, it's unfair to my partner.

I find nothing at all wrong with having friends of the opposite sex ... but, if there's attraction on either side ... it would be disrespectful to continue that friendship ... because SOMEBODY'S gonna get hurt, or at best, disappointed. So, why would a MATURE, RESPONSIBLE person set up a scenario for hurt or disappointment? Nope, no thanks ... I treat people more responsibly than that.

So, in befriending you, keeping up your friendship ... don't you THINK that she has an IDEA of your feelings for her? Is she that blind to it? Me thinks not (and believe me, as a woman, we KNOW when a guy is feelin' us ... our womanly instincts aren't THAT dim). Therefore, it's my opinion that PERHAPS it boosts her ego to know that you're pining away for her. Personally, I wouldn't go there. It just not the right thing to do.

<< Or would you just keep the relationship going as it was, and if by some chance you broke up with your boyfriend you'd have someone else you MIGHT want to date? >>

Again, on this topic, no ... I've never been the "have someone waiting in the wings" type. It's SO not the fair or right thing to do ... to one's current partner ... or the person secretly/silently hoping that things fall apart so you can be there waiting to pick things up with her if/when they do. If by "some chance" my BF and I broke up ... well, what I WOULD do is give myself time after that relationship to pick up my own pieces, not just right back into dating with someone "waiting in the wings" (which would most likely just lead to that person being a rebound, anyway) ... if by "some chance" we broke up, I would have the self-assurance and resolve to know that when I was GOOD AND READY, I'd get back on the dating train ... with patience and clarity ... what I wouldn't do is jump on the next train that came along, kwim?

Just my .02 ... good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 6:04pm

As luck would have it...

There was a couple on Dr. Phil this afternoon wherein the guy had been in love with this woman since high school and they were engaged. I'd guess they were in their thirties. She'd been through 3 bad marriages and finally went with the most deserving guy to begin with. Now, in this case, I think it's a prescription for disaster, but my point is that this does happen, and my guess if fairly often -- the guy keeps in contact and waits for the opportunity. It's what we do, or at least one of the things we do. Reeling in a female of the species is one of the most difficult and time consuming things we do in life; there's no easy way to do it and we're forced into these kinds of situations sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 4:20pm

NYG, you crack me up. I'd suspect reeling in the female of the species is a huge job for most of the males in mother nature. So you are not alone. Enjoy the process, it's part of life. You'll have your nest and babies some day.

Being attracted to women who are unavailable and falling into the trap of unrequited love is a giant sign of commitmentphobia. It's easier to be interested in someone where there really is no chance if you are subconsciously afraid of taking the next big steps.

I had a friend in my home town (Philly) who kept falling in love with nuns (young nuns, er, maybe more like soon-to-be nuns), committed lesbians and the young Amish gals who worked in the Reading Terminal Market (he'd flirt with them with their parents standing behind them..tee hee). Meanwhile he had tons of available women he worked with who were smart and were in his field, so they had a lot in common. He used to just moan away about how he couldn't find anyone. I used to tell him that secretly he didn't want anyone. This lust for unrequited is so romantic, why do the unromantic and really get down and dirty in a relationship?

Read books by Steven Carter, especially "He's Scared, She's Scared". It's a normal and common thing to be commitmentphobic. I sure as heck have my moments.

As for being a bartender and seeing gals in packs, I was a bartender too for years. Women travel in packs to bars, no question. But they don't travel in packs to the grocery store, mall or laundromat....just a thought.

No excuses, ok?

Take Care!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 10:03pm
Again, what are you getting out this relationship, it sounds like it's pain ful for you
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