how to trust after you caught bf in lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
how to trust after you caught bf in lie
6
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 1:08pm

My bf told me the other nite he was going fishing. okay. he goes alone often. we originally were supposed to go together but at last minute he called me at work and said he wasnt waiting and was going alone. okay. no biggie. when i got home and went online i saw that he was on his email..i can't check it...but he doesn't often go on it. it seemed a little curious to me that he changed his mind so suddenly but okay. then he got home by 10pm and smelled like booze. hmmm. so i ask how was fishing - good caught 2 - did you go anywhere else - nope only fished. okay so he's lying....i wouldn't have cared if he stopped at a bar for a drink...so next morning I go out to my car (which he had taken fishing) and on the floor of the driver side are parts of ripped up directions, his wallet is there but no ID and his ring that he always wears was in the glove box. so i open up the trunk and immediately new he didn't go fishing because the way the lures were stuck together. they were like that for a few weeks now. so i began to freak. I went inside, woke him up and demanded to know where he was. first he insisted fishing and when i said no way...he was like fine I went to a go go bar. I said he was still lying because i don't have a prob with those places...we have gone together...then he starts with why do i have to tell you everywhere i go..can't i just have some alone time blah blah blah...fine but don't lie about it to me. so it still didn't seem to jive so i pushed and told him that i thought he was emailing someone and then met HER for a drink. He said even if he did he didn't do anything wrong and would never do anything to hurt us. I said you did hurt us by lying. when i asked who it was he said i don't need to know who and that it was never going to happen again. it was just a friend he knew well before me and nothing happened. so i said what's gonna happen the next time you email each other and sneak off to meet. he said it wasn't going to happen again..that he never checks his emails and not to worry. he kept saying that he loves me and that he would never do anything to hurt me or us. but now this is all i can think about. who is it, are they chatting while i'm at work, is something else going on, did he cheat on me. It's been a little over a month now and i can't seem to get it out of my head. I know if i bring it up again to him, he'll get mad and say he didn't do anything wrong and i have to do whatever i need to do in order to get over it. We've been together for over 2 years. I do love him and 98% of me doesn't feel like he cheated. I think it was a girl he knows and met for drinks but didn't know how to tell me cause he thought i'd flip out (probably would have) and lied about it to protect our relationship only he did a really bad job. what should i do? i don't know how to stop thinking about this. i guess i feel like a fool and he's playing me for stupid....but then i also think that it was innocent and i overreact because i had cheated on my ex husband and am afraid of that being done to me.

Sorry for rambling but what do you all think? HOw do i stop thinking about it. Do you think i should talk to him about it. I know you probably don't know what to say but anything will help.

THanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 2:19pm

That is a good question. I don't think you really can trust someone again after they have lied to you, unless they bend over backwards to show you that they realize they made a mistake in lying, come *completely* clean about the lie, and they live their life as an open book for as long as it takes for you to regain trust. And even then, it would be tough.

I don't see that your BF is doing that. He wants to sweep his lie under the rug. That wouldn't be acceptable to me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 2:54pm

That's tough to live that way with those worries. For your own peace of mind, especially when you say that you know 98% know that nothing wrong happened, and you think he is a good charactered guy, I would say, try to get over it. Trust him like you did before. BUT, have a talk with him, for sure. Tell him, to not LIE to you like that anymore, that you want him to be OPEN and HONEST, and that it doesn't help anybody to do otherwise. ESP, when they are caught. That it only rips the relationship apart, that you have built for so long. Establish your boundaries of what is acceptable, what's not. Does he want alone time with some of his friends? Are you OK with it?

Ask yourself honestly, if he really is as interested as you are, in keeping this relationship together. How willing is he to do the right thing? What are his actions showing? It's only you who can answer these questions. It's only you whe has a feel of what his character is really like. For now, have that talk (nicely and calmly), and get over this incident.

I know what you mean when you say you flip out when you hear stuff about 'other girls'. I am prone to that too. It's all insecurity. But in the end, it doesn't help anyone, coz the guy only starts closing up and doesn't reveal information anymore, for fear of your reaction. So next time he tells you anything about another girl, and you KNOW in your mind that it's harmless and OK, check yourself, and react calmly, and in good spirit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 4:13pm
i'm afraid to talk to him about this. I don't want him to get mad or think that i feel the problem is bigger than what i'm letting on. i'm afraid that he won't want to be bothered with dealing with my emotions. i know that's not good either. sometimes when i try to express myself everything comes out jumbled and i make a bigger mess then there already is. i want so much to trust him...but with his job and hours it is so hard. he does security for musicans and works late hours and we all know how those women groupies can be. i try but its hard.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 4:44pm

Did you trust him before he lied? Because to me, that's the crux of the issue...but if you didn't trust him anyway, then maybe his lie isn't that big a deal (because you wouldn't trust him whether he was honest or not).

But if you did trust him until his lie, then it IS a big deal, and there's no reason you shouldn't get to the bottom of the issue. If he's intimidating you into not talking about it, that is not a good thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:52am
we had just come back from 2 week vacation and i had never felt happier or more secure and this happened 2 days after week got back!!! i did trust him....i didn't like that girls were always talking to him and giving them their numbers but i accepted that it was just a rotten part of his job and didn't worry about it. lemme ask - why do you think he won't tell me who it was that he met with (the whole lie). He says not to worry but i keep thinking that if it was nothing to worry about why won't he just say who it is. is it a control think that he needs to have some privacy or is it because i'll know who it is if he says it. do you think i should just drop it until something else happens or should i bring it up to him? it really hurts me that all this happened and i wish that i could forget it but i cant.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 12:10pm

I don't think the reason why he lied to you and won't tell you the whole story is as important at this point as the fact that he IS. He can sort out "why" in counseling.

And NO, I wouldn't drop it! I'd be insisting on him coming completely clean AND a commitment to 100% honesty, as well as him going with me to couples counseling and full access to his computer, phone, etc until I felt able to trust him again, or I'd be out the door. But I don't have any tolerance for lying to your SO--some people are ok with it.

Sheri