How/when to bring up monogamy discussion
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:26pm |
Hi there-
I'm new to this board, and I'm hoping all you lovely women can give me some good advice. Lately, I've found myself moving to a place in my life where I want to be involved in only a monogamous relationship-- ie. if and when I get sexually intimate with a man, I want a clear understanding and agreement from both of us that we are exclusive, and not seeing others.
The thing is- I don't quite know when/how to bring this up. To you bring it up only when it gets to the point when you think you are getting intimate enough with someone that a sexual relationship may develop? Or, do you make it known from the beginning that that is your expectation in dating so that you don't waste anyone's time? i don't want to scare any one off by stating that kind of thing in the very beginning as if I know early on that I want that kind of relationship with that person! But what I'm finding is that I can go on a lot of dates with someone, become intimate with him, only to discover that he is not at all into exclusivity, even when it comes to sexual partners. I know this may be a dumb thing to ask..... but I need help!!! Any advice welcome.
thanks!

<< To you bring it up only when it gets to the point when you think you are getting intimate enough with someone that a sexual relationship may develop? >>
Ok, I'll use the analogy of "bases" ... first base is kissing, right? Second base, some kissing and petting. At that point, you can probably GUESS that if given the right environment that it COULD go further if both people wanted to. So, if you get to second base, and it seems like the guy might "like to take it further" but isn't trying for more... bring it up.
But, what you don't want to do is say, in a state of being half-undressed while he's about to reach for the condom "I want to be in a monogamous relationship ... can we agree to not sleep with anyone else?" (now he's thinking "crap, I thought I was gonna get lucky, now ... I have to have this SERIOUS talk and make a decision like THAT, right now?")
In other words, don't say it on the brink of the moment. Bring it up BEFORE it gets to the moment.
As for when to bring it up ... <>
Well, I certainly wouldn't say it on a first date. That could come across as a little much, if you haven't even kissed the guy or shared any intimate moments (that is, to even know if he's interested in more on ANY level). If you're dating a guy and get to the kissing, cuddling, touching, petting ... bring it up.
I bring it up when it becomes clear that sex could be imminent (sp?)...although I try not to do so when we are in the thick of things. So, if kissing gets hot and heavy one night (but we stop), then some time during the next date I'll say something like "I just want to be clear on something. I'm very attracted to you, but I am not comfortable sleeping with someone until we've agreed to date exclusively. And I like to get to know someone pretty well before I make that decision, so I would prefer to wait a while and get to know each other better before we sleep together." That way, I am more in control of when, and it avoids the situation of the guy saying he'll be exclusive (when he really doesn't mean it) just so he can have sex. Of course, even if you date someone for a while, that doesn't mean he won't lie to you, but at least you'll have a better idea of his character (from observing his behavior and whether his words and actions are consistent).
I wouldn't bring this specific topic up on a first date, but I do ask about what type of relationship the guy is looking for in general on the first couple of dates, just to make sure we're on the same page. For me, since I'm looking for a serious LTR, there's no point in dating someone who's just looking for a fling or whatever.
Sheri
In adult relationships - each person is assumed to be doing "what I believe is right and my right according to my standards and beliefs".
So here's you - having sex and THEN bringing up exclusivity.
That appears to others as you using sex as a weapon, tool, or trap.....and nobody would consent to that - even if they agreed to physical exclusivity as a concept anyway.
So realize that you might want to change the phrase "monogamy" to "physical exclusivity" - that's a semantics game, but monogamy is often a part of marriage or commitment to the person you're with in terms of their needs, well-being and best interests.
All you're saying is that once you date them for a period of time and you find them fun, interesting, and attractive - you're wanting to commence a sexual gratification relationship that is NOT about or assumed to inspire/require/allow an emotional bond, a commitment to partnership, etc. etc. etc.
Easy enough..........early in the dating phase say that you don't get intimate without a) proof of disease free status (from yourself to them as well) b) always with protection against disease (not just pregnancy prevention) c) without an agreement to physical exclusivity.
So what you'e stating with the c) requiremnt is that you trust thier character. Most men have no problem agreeig to be physically exclusive - it's in everybody's best interests of health........so if they're having fun and companionship with you - sex is just a bonus - and having that exlusively is not a chore or a restriction. IT doesn't mean they can't date other people...and it doesn't mean they're obligated to your needs, well-being, best interests, or to be anybody other than who they are - by agreeing to physical exclusivity.
If they don't agree at that point when none of that could transpire because nobody has thier paperwork handy - then stop dating them. If they agree to it realize you're trusting their character and honesty to tell you if they've slept with someone else - because they found them sexy, fun, attractive and willing - just like they find you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com