huge age difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
huge age difference
10
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:56am
hi, i am 34 and i met a guy not too long ago and i ws very attracted to him and we had lots of interesting conversations. I decided to ask him his age and when he told me his age i nearly fainted. Weeks go by and we hang out and have a great time and then i decided that i had to tell him my age. He freaked and then the next day he was fine. He thought i was 26. I never told him becasue he never asked me. He is 21 years old. AM i wasting my time? Obviously there is no future with such a young guy...right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:34pm

How do you know what this guy is planning for the future? Perhaps you should ask him. The two of you could be on the same page or on vastly different plans.

Don't jump to conclusions. I think there is a preconceived notion in our culture that all young men want to party and have sexual flings. I don't feel that is true. Some young men are very grounded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:54pm

sirenaei24..

Pianoguy read your post and instantly got a 'mental flashback' concerning the recent union between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. There's a bit of an age difference between the two of them....correct?

BUT...there wouldn't have been a marriage if they hadn't been comfortable and compatible with one another?

So if you and the 21 year old are COMFORTABLE with each other...and you can ignore all the gossipy relatives and friends who will tell you to END THINGS NOW...what's the problem?

There are individuals (whose ages vary considerable) that relate better to a partner whose age difference is a decade or more? Just be sure that you and your partner can accept 'the bad stuff' connected with your age...along with the good...before you get REALLY SERIOUS?

Pianoguy

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 4:24pm

Are you wasting your time ... honestly, I'd say MOST LIKELY! I'm 35, and I cannot imagine dating someone in their early 20s (or any 20s for that matter). It's not the age difference, per se, it's the reality that most people (guys and gals) in their early 20s haven't a CLUE as to WHO they are yet, what they want out of life, etc. They're still "getting there" and I don't want to be with someone who has to "catch up" with me emotionally, maturity-wise, experientially, etc. Basically, I'm only interested in someone who's "on my page" and there is VERY LITTLE possiblity that someone who's 21 is even CLOSELY there.

That said, only you know if you two are on on that "same page" or even close to it. Perhaps if he's a "mature" 21 and you're a less-experienced, less-mature 34 (I'm not saying that you are), then it might work.

As far as age gaps go, I don't think it's a matter of the difference in years. It's the difference in maturity, experience, etc.

That said, someone who's 44 and 31 ... that's the same age gap, right? But, the difference is that someone who's 31, has at that point (hopefully) accomplished some stuff, has some life experiences, relationship experiences, is at a different level of maturity ... basically, has something more substantial to "bring to the table."

IMO, someone who's 21 doesn't have that much to "bring to the table" to someone who's 34. You're talking about someone who's been an adult for 3 years. Thus, my question to you: is that an attractive option to you? Are you going to be propping him up, helping him grow, etc? Or, are you going to be in (potential) partnership with someone who's capable of being equal to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 10:18pm
thank u for the response. He is not into partying thats for sure and he is more mature that some 30 yr olds that i know. I will talk with him. This was a nice response as compared to some i read telling me that ashton and demi are hollywood millionaires and can pull it off.
i am comfortable with this guy and at first i really thought he was older. I guess i have to see if i can deal with all the talk about us. For his buddies, its thumbs up for a young guy to grab an older woman bit for me its "are you desperate?"
thank u very much
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 1:51pm
thank u for your reply.
you are right. I should just end it anyways as there is no future. Theres no way a 21 yr old is ready for a family. I can just imagine the family reaction!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 3:37pm
So yesterday you were going to talk to him about it and today you're ending it? There's an issue here but are you sure it's with him? Do you really know what you want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 6:23pm
i never said that i was going to end it. i said that i should end it.We had a long talk and ill just go day by day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:35pm

<>


Though I understand where you're coming from, I want to share something with you that may put a different spin on things for you.


By the age of 18, I had seen 2 friends die--one shot in the head and one killed for her earrings. I had also seen most of my family members die, a few that wasted away from cancer. I had been beaten, had a gun held at me, been run out of a neighborhood because I didn't belong there based on the color of my skin. By that age, I had also seen drug overdoses first hand as well as people going into the psych ward because of breakdowns. I'm not sharing these things to make you gasp either, I'm trying to make a point.


My point? Age means nothing. Turning 18 doesn't make a person any more adult than a 16 year old. I know folks in their 40's that are less mature than I am. By the time I was 21, I had lived more of life than most "adults." Maturity is not based on the age, that can only be bred by experience...


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 7:18pm

Hey bklyn,
Yah, I hear ya. I do agree that, to a large degree, there are some 21-y/os out there who may very well be more mature than a 41-y/o and that AGE doesn't equate maturity. I know plenty of immature 30-somethings and even a few 40-somethings. Age is just ONE factor in the maturity equation, and sure, the hardships, losses, triumphs and tribulations, etc that one often goes thru at a young age can make a person "grow up" faster because they've had to learn some major coping skills, etc at a young age.

BUT ... all things considered ... at 21, even with a ton of life experiences, that a 21-y/o probably isn't going the relationship experiences of a 34-y/o which could put them on a different level of relating in that regard.

Perhaps I am judgmental on this topic ... because, it's not something I would even consider. I don't see the point at all in dating someone who's 21, at my age of 35. Considering the options and possiblities, I'd rather date someone closer to my age AND maturity, experiences, etc. Why settle for the potential pitfalls of dating someone 14 years my junior while there ARE men out there who ARE more compatible in the age dept? (dunno, guess I just don't feel that my choices are that limited ... yet! ha!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 3:52pm

If it was 31 and 44 it would'nt be as big a gulf experience and expectation-wise. But a 21 year old might be at a very different life stage than you.


But this is about you and him, not just your ages. And if you feel the two of you click on different levels and have similar goals, interests, maturity levels,...well, it's not impossible.

,