I am 30, he is 50 - will it work out??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
I am 30, he is 50 - will it work out??
8
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 3:45pm

I am 30 yo and recently met a 52-old man. He is absolutely wonderful. Nobody ever treated me this way: attentive, caring, thoughtful. Girls, I was married for 6 years and during all that time, my ex probably gave me 3 flowers in a pot at most. This guy sends me flowers just like that, whenever he feels like it with the most beautiful messages. He wants us to do so many beautiful things together, like travelling, discovering new things, etc. It is like a honeymoon with him. He is very creative, intelligent and we share a lot in common ( eg he doesn't think shoeshopping is vain!) He is a wonderful dad himself and absolutely adores my 2 little children. I am almost happy, except for... I keep thinking "what if"... What if he is just attractive to the idea of having a younger woman besides him?
I met his friends, and I kept thinking : what if they think of me as a "sugar baby", who is with the older guy for his money ( he is very successful, but that's not why I am with him - I didn't even know what he was doing when I met him! LIke I said, he has a hobby as a photographer and that's what I thought his job was - a penniless artist like myself!). I know my friends would tell me: what the hell were you thinking ( I haven't introduced him to my circles yet)?! I also find it weird that he hangs out with the younger crowd all the time ( his best female friend is of my age too) - what if it's some sort of a mid-age crisis for him and I am a part of it? So I am really confused: I don't want to go ahead with a relationship that is doomed from the very beginning, I had enough of being heartbroken ( I have just begin to see the light after my horrible divorce).

Anyone dated a man who is much older? Any advice? Please help! He keeps asking me to move in with him, I have to tell him something abt where I stand ( gonna have a BIG talk this Thursday) - what should I do??? Thanks so much in advance for any advice, stories, thoughts you may have.

Love to all

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:33pm
If this is a new relationship I don't think moving in with this guy so soon is a good idea, especially if there are two small children involved. I don't know this guy so I can't tell you whether your relationship will work out or not. Why don't you take things slowly with him and see how things progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:55pm

madinochaka...

First...Pianoguy hates AGE STEREOTYPES! He has seen men and women in their 80s who act like thirty year olds...and VICE VERSA!

What you probably need to ask yourself is: "Am I more concerned about what other people are going to say" or "Can I love the man enough to ignore any negatives that might be connected with his health, attitude or......HIS AGE?"

Baby boomers (like myself) were brought up on the "what will other people think if you do this" principle. THAT'S WHERE OUR PARENTS BLEW IT! Many close friends, family members and total strangers could care LESS about what we choose to do!

You don't necessarily have to "move in together"---but if you ENJOY being in the man's company, GREAT! Tune out the "but he's 20-years older than me" factor...and focus on the quality you can spend with each other!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:56am

Dear Pianoguy,

Thank you!!! I so needed to hear that - honestly, I am not a conformist and until now haven't been restricted by the societal stereotypes anyways. I don't know why I freaked out, I guess, I was just trying to make sense of what HE is thinking/wanting out of this relationship and why he wants to be with someone younger ( because if he wants to be with me just because it's "a cool" thing to do and I will make him look good - forget it! That is sooo tacky for me!) Ok, I will stop thinking about what others might think and just enjoy it.

He does have a pretty cool attitude ( can't dance hip-hop, though!:), and I enjoy spending time with him. PIanoguy, can you probably fill me in on how i should behave with him? E.g., should I try to speak/act more mature ( you know, talk about investments, retirement, things like that - lol!) and go easy on stuff I used to do with my 25-30 yo girlfriends ( e.g. go to opera instead of a salsa club)? I just don't want him to feel uncomfortable, out of his element.

Thanks again,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 3:44pm
*sigh* PG...I love your sentiments and agree with them but it is usually the older person who thinks age doesn't matter and the younger one who has reservations ESPECIALLY if the younger person is male. I was deeply in love just over 2 years ago and dumped by the guy (15 years my junior) as I was approaching (and now am past as am in menopause) child-bearing age. After 2 such bitter experiences, the 'age is just a number' adage is merely a pipe dream...doesn't translate into reality. However....when the younger partner is a female it does seem to work so I wish madinochka good luck:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:07pm

madinochka...(or should PG just call you "M")?

Pianoguy thinks you should behave like the woman this man FELL IN LOVE WITH.

One of the charming qualities about a 'younger woman/older man' relationship is that the woman's enthusiasm for life is CLEARLY PRESENT! !

ANYWAY...

Depending upon your attitude, approach and the way you call attention to "the fun stuff" the 2 of you can do together as a couple...instead of bringing up the question: "do you think you're physically capable of trying this activity"---most 'maturer' men are going to feel a lot younger about themselves...and extremely HAPPY to have YOU as a companion!

Believe me...if there's something we REALLY don't want to do---WE'LL TELL YA! :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:23pm

stefania9...

First...Pianoguy is sorry about your break-up! Believe it or not...many younger men have sought comfort in a "more mature woman" and some of those relationships ARE STILL GOING STRONG!

Many women have told me some interesting stories about 'the change!' . Anyway...it's clear that menopause affects some women differently than it does others. And while it might not seem obvious, I think this is one of the major frustrations a man (AT ANY AGE) finds a little too complicated to understand? We have to try and convince a woman that she's STILL BEAUTIFUL and STILL DESIRABLE---despite the fact that she 'crossed the border of no return!'

While some ladies will use "the m word" as an excuse to bully or dismiss a partner, we're basically lost when it comes to providing any sort of comfort? A man will try to convince you that 'the change' doesn't matter and that your companionship means more to him than anything else.

But sadly...there are very few women who choose to believe our sincerity!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:00pm

There are couples who are happy with a big age difference and are together for many years. On the other hand I have a friend who married a man 25 years older than her - it was fine for decades but now he's in his seventies and she feels like a caretaker.


You just met him so there's no rush, certainly no hurry to move in.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:08am
Yes, take your time!
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