I am in a fix. He said he will wait.
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| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:09pm |
A guy I dated for a month, a year ago...and stayed in touch with as friends, said something to me that has put me under a lot of pressure. Over this one year, we have developed a nice friendship. And the reason I could not take things further with him was because I could not 'fall in love' with him. Time has come when he has to leave the city and the country now to get back with his family and start his own business etc.
He told me that he will wait for me. He told me that unless he gets a solid word from me that it is a NO, or that I have found the guy I want to marry, he wants to wait for me. He says he is not interested in dating anyone else, doesn't see the point in going from girl to girl when all he ever wanted he found in me, and that he wants to get busy with his other responsibilities in the meantime. This guy loves me. It is very evident through his actions, his words etc. He even told me that he has no "expectations" from my side, and that I am free to see other people, but that, I should always keep in mind that he will be there waiting for my answer.
The best thing about us is the respect we have for each other. The way he treats me with so much gentleness and respect....and gives me the space, and is the least possessive or jealous...is something I never saw in any other guy.
I am in a fix! We are so good together....but I am just not in love with him.
His qualities are precious and rare, yet, why am I unable to feel utterly attracted to him.
Is attraction all that important?
Should I compromise on that, to get a host of other beautiful qualities that a girl desires in a really mature and stable guy?
What would u do? Should I just wait n watch? And continue dating others?
The problem I have noticed is....many a times, we fall in love with people with less than desirable qualities. And here, I have the best qualities in him, yet am not in love with him.
Life is too confusing.

Hi Bnaka,
I just posted a similar dilemma, but I have some advice for you.
I think his ultimatum (if we can call it that), is nice because it's not asking for a decision from you, yet in a way, it puts a lot of pressure on you because it's like he's there in the back of your mind. I'm sure if you eventually got involved with someone else, you'll feel unnecessary guilt or even unease. You would have to break his heart, basically, and I don't think that will be easy for you since you guys have a nice friendship. At the same time, because you have such mutual respect for each other, I'm sure he would understand if anything like that happened.
You say he's perfect but you don't love him. Don't feel like you should! A perfect relationship requires not only a perfect guy, but also fireworks and chemistry. If you guys dated for a month and no fireworks, maybe it's a telling sign. In my opinion, it'll be hard to just fall in love with him w/out spending more time with him, and giving yourself time to develop feelings.
My advice: You can only wait and watch. You should definitely continue to date other people, especially since he's ok with it, and maybe in the end, who knows, you guys may meet again, spend time, and you'll find that he's the best fit for you!
As the saying goes, "If it's meant to be, you will end up together no matter what. If it's NOT meant to be, no matter how hard you try, you will not end up together."
--Peachy500
Edited 3/10/2006 2:25 pm ET by peachy500
You need to think about this and be honest with yourself and whether you ever see yourself falling in love with him. If the answer is no, then you have to let him know that and release him from this ridiculous promise he made to you. You BOTH deserve to have everything you're looking for and that means YOU deserve to have someone that you are madly in love with and attracted to and HE deserves to have someone that reciprocates his feelings. If you "settled" for him and for your lack of attraction and passionate feelings, one of you would likely wind up resenting the other and you both might wind up resenting each other.
He's leaving the country for who knows how long. Let him go free and clear and move on with your life if you don't think your friendship can turn to love.
Thanks peachy and vexer for your thoughts and advice.
Yes u r right...he will always be at the back of my mind and create feelings of guilt and unease when I am with any body else, but yes, I do know he will understand too if I have to go.
Hm...I still wonder if the perfect guy out there who has great qualities as well as someone I can have great chemistry with, exists. Or even if such guys are rare, I wonder if I will ever come across such a guy.
Vexer, Yeah I do need to have an honest look and ask myself if I truly see him in my future. You are right about what he deserves and what I deserve. The truth is, I am second guessing myself here, becoz the great qualities he possesses and which are so good for my mental peace in a relationship, are tipping that balance. I certainly dont want to "settle" though. That is something I have always fought against. Have always wanted to follow my heart.