I am a horrible girlfriend.
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| Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:50am |
I am the most loyal and honest friend you will ever have. I was raised in a great family with high morale for things that are right and wrong. I am the most loyal and honest girlfriend you will ever date. That was until Saturday night. I feel so horrible that I can not even put into words the amount of guilt I feel right now. I have been dating this guy for 2 years and he moved into my house with me almost immediately after we met. We have had more than our fair share of problems. He was unemployed for almost 6 months and I was paying for everything - groceries, utilities, my house payment...just like I had before he moved in. We fought a lot about this issue, but he would just act like it was no big deal...I'm assuming because he feels that we are going to be together in the end anyway so what is the difference. Each fight and each argument leaves me questioning his love for me and why I am in this relationship. I was married at a young age and am now divorced, so that probably fuels a lot of the uncertainty. He has since gotten a job that holds a lot of promise if he works hard - he easily could never have to worry about money again, which elminates my worry regarding him and monetary issues. That aside now, I consistently feel like I have to walk on eggshells because he is so negative and very moody. If I ever want to discuss an issue with him, he digs deep into things that I have said or done in the past and calls me a hypocrite instead of addressing the current issue we are experiencing. It feels as though we never overcome any of the problems that we have; only just brush them under the rug. I feel that things can't be forgotten as easily as they appear when we just ignore everything. I find myself questioning my long term happiness with him. At the same time, there are things about his "way" that I truly do love. I question our future job as parents together. I think we would differ on opinions on disciplining our kids. It scares me in a way, because I really want to get married and create a family. SOON. It just feels like there are so many things that we would need to solve before moving forward with this. I'm 2 years into it and I don't feel any closer than I did when I was 25. I'll be 28 soon. Do I really love him???? Is my love genuine or do I hang in there because I'm settling?
That being said, while with my boyfriend a few weeks back, I met an aquaintance of his and we ended up hanging out with a large group of people. This other guy and I had a wonderful conversation just about everything. I found myself entering into thought about him quite a bit since that day. I was with a group of friends and ran into him again this past weekend. However, I was with a group of my friends and my boyfriend was not along. We had been golfing the entire day in a tournament and had plenty to drink. It was very late, and I ended up going to his cabin with him. Both of us just saying that we were going to "talk". It's obvious where this story is going. One thing lead to another and while things got very heated, I did not have sex with him. We fell asleep. The next morning, before I took off he talked about seeing each other again and how he would not "wait" for me forever. I asked him to please not wait, and asked him to please not call me and perhaps we'd see each other again sometime?.
While he has my number,, I don't know his. I don't need it, because I don't intend to carry on with another man while still attached to my current boyfriend. I really feel bad and I should. Cheating is unacceptable and there is no excuse for it. I am the girl I said I would never be. It's for me to look at my boyfriend. It's hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. I am interested in this other guy, but need to address the issues with my boyfriend and my current situation before I'm willing to start anything. Guess I've already started something and gotten myself into a horrible situation.
What in the hell should I do?!!!!! I can’t change what happened. Do I tell my boyfriend or do I carry on like everything is fine until I figure out what the hell I want?? I scare myself now that this has happened. While everything felt so wrong, at the same time it felt like the “right” thing to do at the time. It was very “ in the moment. “ My friend tells me that I wouldn’t have done that if I am truly as happy with my boyfriend as I claim to be. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I know I am a better person than this. I'm very ashamed.
Has anyone in a similar situation have any thing to share? Help. I’m drowning in a dark pool of guilt and uncertainty right now.

Hi,
I'm really sorry this happened. I, like you, am also a loyal person so I know how I would be beating myself up over something like this... That being said, a few things stood out in your post to me.
First, you stated: "If I ever want to discuss an issue with him, he digs deep into things that I have said or done in the past and calls me a hypocrite instead of addressing the current issue we are experiencing. It feels as though we never overcome any of the problems that we have; only just brush them under the rug. " This is
Letting go of a relationship you've been in for an extended period of time, and one you THOUGHT would be forever, is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I totally understand your conflicted feelings. Not only has this man (with all his faults) been a major figure in your life for 2 years, now you have to think about extricating yourself from him physically... since he now lives with you. It's very close to preparing for a divorce.
But just thank God you didn't go as far as marriage. Your house is still your house and it sounds like your finances are still separate from each others. There are NO KIDS. There will be no legal battle. It won't be simple to separate, but since you're already a divorcee, you know it won't be as hard as if you were married.
I don't think you're a horrible girlfriend. I think you sound like a very disappointed and discouraged girlfriend. The little fling you had with the other guy was probably just a symptom of your dissatisfaction with your relationship. I'm not saying it was excusable... cheating is cheating. But I think you've punished yourself enough for that episode. It would be kind of horrible if you felt cheating was OK and you intended to continue doing it.
The question now is how do you move forward? It sounds like you know you've got to break up with your boyfriend. Think about whether confessing your fling would help or harm the situation. Would you be trying to ease your own guilty conscience at the expense of your boyfriend's feelings? Or would talking about it be part of clearing the air and making the break more understandable?
I'm sorry I can't give you the answer to those questions. You'll have to determine what's best to do based on what you know about your boyfriend's responses and what you feel compelled to do, in your own heart.
I wish you well, and I'm sorry for your pain. Please let us know how you're doing.