I am not worth the effort?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
I am not worth the effort?
5
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 4:02pm
So I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months. In that time he was busy with work as he works in an industry where it is a project by project basis and he spent up to 10 hours a day working for 5 of these 7 months we have been together. I allowed myself to be put in the back burner because I realize how important his work was. He would try to meet up with me late at night and has since said he loves me even though we broke up once when we got into a fight and I walked away from him.I do see that he made huge efforts by always coming out after work even though he was tired...Well he has been done with his work for 3 weeks now and in that time I traveled over to England for my cousins wedding...I told him it would mean a lot to me if he would come over here and we could go to the most romantic city on the planet paris even if for a week since I would be there for three! He said he would find a ticket but is not sure because another project might open up...then at the last minute he said he could not afford it. I told him it was alright but deep down inside I felt he did not think I was worth the trip. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and he didnt care to invest in us and our relationship..Since I have been away he says he misses me and loves me but I feel I have become backburner girl...like when things are convenient for him he will do it but when they are not he does not go the extra mile. I always call him from England and he never calls me and then when I was sick I called him because I was bored and he told me he was halping his friend move and had to call me back. I thought this was insensitive but I couldnt demand he stay on the phone with me. I dont know what to do . I dont think he loves me and I need to find out but I dont want to scare him away. Am I being unreasonable with resenting him for not going the extra mile to come over to France? I know he has just moved out of one apartment building to a cheaper one because he says it is time to pay off his debts. I feel like he thinks I am not worth the extra effort. Pep talks and advice would be much appreciated. thanks


Edited 7/23/2006 6:34 pm ET by love2love9
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 1:05am

You know, there's really a few ways to look at this. The majority of your relationship you've allowed yourself to be on the back burner with him. And now you're expecting him to change. But you've already set the tone... it's very hard to change that. The other way to think about it is the fact that he may just not have money to go and that's not a reflection on you.


Either way, I would suggest a heart to heart with him and let him know how you're feeling. Honestly that's the only way you'll be able to know if what you're assuming is what's really going on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:50am

Let me address the travel question first...

I think you're being a bit unrealistic (and maybe unreasonable) to feel slighted because your boyfriend was unable to join you in Europe. For most people, that's a pretty extraordinary request and an extravagance they would have to plan for FAR in advance. As far as I know, last minute tickets to Europe are quite expensive, and especially to Paris. So I don't think you should be looking at this particular situation as a question of whether you are "worth the effort" to him. You are there for your cousin's wedding. It would be different if this was a vacation you two planned to take together from the start, and then he backed out of it at the last minute. In that case, you would be justified in being disappointed and upset. But you'd still have to take his financial situation into account. If he is trying to recover from debt, there are going to be a lot of things he is unable or unwilling to do, at least until he feels he is on more solid ground financially. What you have to decide is if he is a suitable man for you, given his debts and his grueling work schedule. Maybe you need someone with more disposable income, as well as the ability to pick up and fly away with you when you ask. Which brings me to the next issue...

If you feel you've been on the back burner for most of the 7 months of your relationship, that situation is not likely to change in the near future. Perhaps he truly is giving you all the time he can. Or perhaps he doesn't care for you the way you believe he should. I can't tell you which one it is. But you should look at the entire history of your relationship and determine whether you've been mostly happy and fulfilled, or whether you've felt repeatedly and regularly neglected and frustrated.

If you don't FEEL cherished or loved by him, and you never see him going the extra mile to please you (even when you're in the same city), that's pretty discouraging. In that case, you're probably better off getting out of this relationship.

But before you do that, take a look at your own expectations. And then try backing off from him and stop demanding things. See if he steps up his attentions ON HIS OWN. If nothing changes, I think you'll know what you should do.

Take care, and travel safely home.




Edited 7/23/2006 10:55 am ET by jilly73
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 2:38pm
Thanks Jilly you are right. The thing is we are never able to plan anything because he works in an industry where you never know when you will get your next job so you jump at it whenever you can. He wont be financially stable for a while that is unless he gets a hige contract which I think is quite possible then hed have to work on that one project and could take the rest of the year off. it is frustrating for me but I stay because I think he is amazing and I do see his efforts; He is a good man but I cant hlep but think I might be wrong and that he is stringing me along which is why I am taking it so hard. This Paris trip he has known about for 5 months and he was always like I will see ....he wanted to use his frequent flyer miles but then he didnt have enough and then he was like I cant afford it but then I bought my ticket 2 weeks before and I got a reasonable prce and he could have too had he really wanted to I believe
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 6:08pm

Well, the Europe trip still sounds like he felt it would be too much of a stretch for him at this time, both because of the ticket prices and because it would take him away from work. My guess is he kept saying "we'll see" for months #1) because he didn't want to say NO outright, and #2) he probably hoped he'd find a way to make the trip. I think if you really want to stay with him, you should give him a "pass" on that one.

But if you feel you're being strung along and that he's just not stepping up to the plate with you in MOST situations, it would be a mistake for you to stay in this relationship. Financial problems are very serious and sometimes even a well-meaning man is unable to get out from under enough to give proper attention to a girlfriend. But when the emotional support isn't there either, you haven't got much to rely on, have you?

Maybe you could try talking to him. Try to find out what he sees happening down the road for the two of you. If you're almost at the point of walking away anyway, it can't hurt to try.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 6:30pm
Thanks Jilly :) you are right. I will have to be patient and see what is going on but he is a good boyfriend. He always wants to discuss things that i find upsetting and he really does make a lot of efforts despite his crazy work schedule. I do love him but I cant fall in love with him until I know he feels the same way and since he didnt come I am losing my feelings for him and I dont know how to feel right now. This was a really big deal to me and it meant a lot to me but I didnt want to guilt trip him so I am holding it in. I heard one should never wound their mens ego and I am trying not to but the resentment is there