I am not worthy
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I am not worthy
| Sat, 09-16-2006 - 10:16pm |
I have found the man of my dreams...We have been dating for 9 months and he's wonderful in every way.Successful,handsome,heart of gold,funny kind..Currently work takes him away for a month but he calls everyday and there's not a day that he does not tell me he doesn't love me. He's even introduced me to his parents and my friends say that he is the perfect boyfriend. While he's been away I have sunk into my own depression drinking too much and thinking of how I do not deserve this incredible man...I have had suicidal thoughts as well and I can't get my act together enough to get a job and I have so many credit problems and it's mounting ( I can't get councelling because I have no inssurance)....He doesn't know any of this about me...around him I am charming and wonderful but without him I fall apart and become self defeating and depressed....a lot of times I feel as if he knew the real me he wouldn't want me...and as great as people think I am I am inherently flawed because at 31 I have never held a job, I don't even know where to begin and I fear so many things...I have been so good at hiding my imperfections from people....they have no clue and now that I am left to be alone by myself I can't stand to look myself in the mirror and feel that inevitably he will find out all my dark secrets and leave me and it makes me anxious....I have no idea how I landed such an amazing man..( well a lot of it was lies) I cover up the fact that I was heavily abused as a child and even as an adult..that I drink a lot to escape and well he thinks i have a job but I actually don't..I tell him I do freelance work as a writer which is bull because I have never really made much money off of it. I get by with jobs here and there but never have had a real job..What do I do? Sometimes I feel that He's been put into my life to make me better..to be the person I should have been but other times I fear losing him and knowing something so amazing and losing it to the point I might go mad and never want to live again. I don't know what I am asking for but please write back with advice or stories of your own so I don't feel alone. ( PS...this guy is really amazing...I have dated a lot of men in my life...the only thing i really have going for me is I am very beautiful so I know a really good man from one that is not and I don't want to lose him.I already know he will be the love of my life no matter what happens in the end and I will never find anyone as wonderful as he ever again..please don't tell me that there are more wonderful men because if there are I doubt they would go for me because I am so messed up but my guy is at the top of the list I am sure) Thanks.

You are on a collision course with disaster. This guy isn't dating you, he is dating the you that you have created. Perhaps it is time to take a step back and figure out what your priorities are. If it is to have Mr. Perfect be at your side, then you are doing a wonderful job. If your priority is to have a well rounded life with a healthy relationship....you might want to reevaluate your actions.
Yes, you can get counseling. Please find your local social services agency and see what the local government, Catholic Charities or other religious based counseling services have to offer in your area. Many ask you to pay on a sliding scale so if you are earning nothing then you pay nearly nothing.
You will lose this guy if you keep lying to him. I am sure he would much rather have the truth and be given the option to help you out rather than be lied to and kept in the dark. My guess is that he probably has an inkling that you aren't being totally upfront already.
Another action you might want to take is to create a program that will help you find steady employment. Rewrite your resume, search the Internet for jobs in your area, set up some interviews, check into job fairs. When you tell your boyfriend the truth, you can also tell him how you plan to solve the issues as well.
If this guy is so great, he will want to help you out. Please, face this now before you are in deeper. Acting is very hard work, so please stop it.
I'm sorry you're suffering from depression and self esteem problems. But before I talk about that, let me ask you a couple of clarifying questions...
How do you support yourself? Do you live with someone who is paying the rent?
Now...Hon, your problem is NOT how to keep this man. Your problem is how to believe you are worthwhile person and how to run your OWN life. I think you need some sort of professional help with this, because you've got a couple of issues affecting you. First, you didn't say whether you ever got any counseling for your childhood abuse. I'm sure this experience plays a part in your inability to move forward in life. But you don't have to be prisoner to the past.
As Chamey said, there are free and affordable services for people who WANT help. Look in the "community affairs" section of your local newspaper. They often provide phone numbers for weekly support groups. You should go down to your state Employment agency and get enrolled in their job-search service. Or call your local Social Service agency and ask for a referral to a clinic so you can see a psychiatrist. Perhaps the doctor will prescribe anti-depressant medication. You can also ask for psychological counseling for abuse victims. You might be reluctant to take advantage of state services because you think they are "beneath" you. But all kinds of people get help from time to time. That's why government agencies make these facilities available.
In terms of your boyfriend, I don't think you need to reveal the depths of your depression and "dark secrets" to him. If he is HALF as smart and into you as you say, he should already know that you're dealing with some issues. For instance, he'd be pretty dense not to realize that you don't have any money because you don't work.
Maybe you are extremely good at hiding your problems. But believe me I KNOW how exhausting it is to keep up that pretense.
I think you just need to take some real action to address the conditions in your life (such as getting a job). You'll begin feeling better about yourself. That is what is most important. For now, you can tell your boyfriend that you are dealing with some personal growth issues and you would like him to be patient with you as you address them. You don't have to go into all the details, unless you want to. If this man really loves YOU, he'll be supportive of you and he'll stay around. If he only wants a "trophy girlfriend" who doesn't seem to have any problems, well, you don't have a real relationship anyway.
But try not to focus on him right now. Take care of YOURSELF, and the rest will work itself out.
Please come back here and let us know how you're doing.
Edited 9/17/2006 10:48 am ET by jilly73