I can't help it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
I can't help it!
3
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:25pm
I posted a message with the title "Am I deformed?". Yeah....well I left one thing out that will probably make you think I'm a moron. But I just can't help it!

I have met a couple of guys who I've been interested in, who at the time seemed interested in me. Some had girlfriends though. My sister says that all is fair in love and war and unless he's married you should go for it. Okay, well here's the problem. Whenever a guy (when both of us seem interested in the other) says he's unhappy with his relationship...well, okay, ....before I can allow myself to get my feet wet in the relationship, I come out with this ....I try to fix his relationship. I know its retarded, I can't help it. And what's worse. If the guys not in a relationship, and I think to myself, "wow, I really like him", I try to set him up with someone I know! I've even made a concious effort not to do so, but at some point I always do. Can somebody please give me a clue as to what the heck I'm thinking? What's my problem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:13pm
climbinivy...

Pianoguy thinks you have several problems---and here they are:

1. Your Sister---who seems to feel that it's OKAY to break up ANY COUPLE whether they're dating exclusively or not. Is SIS married? Or she exclusive to somebody? If not...she has no business advising you to mess up somebody else's relationship. .

2. You seem to be focusing on men who "unhappy with their present relationship"---when you should be zeroing in on MEN WHO WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU! Mending fences is a nice gesture, but you'll be the one ending up holding "the short straw!"

3. I think you're compulsion to "set others up" is a defense mechanism to prevent YOU from getting emotionally hurt! All relationships have that 'built-in hurt' attachment and you don't seem to be willing to 'take a chance' on an unhappy relationship!'

Do ANY of these thoughts make sense to you? And more important, do you want to believe them enough to change your approach?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:06pm
I get the fear thing. I'm clueless to guys. I guess I'm always afraid I'm reading them wrong. I don't want to be the type of person who breaks up a relationship. If the guy is willing to cheat on his girlfriend then what's stopping him from cheating on me when we're dating. I think you're right about the sabotage thing. But how do I get over it. I mean, I try not to do it but it just pops out. I pull away without meaning to. What if my problem is that I read a guy wrong. What's not to say they're just trying to be friends, and, if I do try to flirt with them I'll be known as the loser who's desperate. Is there like some Relationships for dummies out there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:16pm
climbinivy...

"RELATIONSHIPS FOR DUMMIES"----sounds like a great title for a book! There's probably an ivillager or two who probably knows of such an...'instruction manual?'

Pianoguy thinks you need to stop being the "rebound romantic figure" (aka the girl the guys run to when their current relationship is in trouble). You're automatically setting yourself up. AND YES...YOU CAN AVOID DOING THIS IF YOU USE A LITTLE COMMON SENSE! The warning signs are certainly clear by now, aren't they?

Balancing your heart and your head sounds like a tough task for you....but if you honestly want to USE YOUR HEAD MORE...YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING "HEARTBROKEN" ARE GOING TO BE A LOT LESS! So start making the effort and stop playing cupid for others.

There's plenty of happiness ahead for you...if you HONESTLY want it!

Pianoguy