I can't read him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
I can't read him!!!
10
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:46pm
Okay so I need help reading this guy! We meet online we seem to have a lot in common and value the same things, we both have said that we match up good on and off paper. So after a couple emails, and a couple long conversations we went out on a first date. We had a good time I got us tickets to a sporting event we both wanted to go to, we went to dinner, and then out for a couple drinks. After that we watched some TV and then had a little (okay a long) make out session, one in which did not end with sex (truth). He called me the next day around noon and we chatted and then he sent me several text messages that night while he was out with friends. Then the next night we talked about going out again and blah blah blah, and this turned into an all night text message conversation. So (this is a long story sorry but I really need advice) this was a month ago, and we live about an hour and a half apart and have made plans to go out again but twice he has cancelled on me, both were for good reasons, and we talk just about everyday (5-6 days a week) either by phone or text message, these can be long conversations at times that last hours or sometimes all night (these conversations have gotten very very personal, we have shared very intimate details with each other to put it politely). He will send me messages when he is out with friends or knows that I am, he even contacted me both days when he was out of town visiting family for Thanksgiving (& about 70% of these conversations are initiated by him). My question is this, why haven't we gone out again? Is it that he has been too busy (which he is busy), or doesn't he want to? I did ask him the other day if he was blowing me off when he cancelled for the second time and his answer was "no and he was afraid I would think that" and I also told him my friend thinks he is just playing me and doesn't plan on going out with me again and only contacts me when he is board (**I KNOW THIS WAS STUPID BUT IT WAS BROUGHT UP AFTER HE ASKED ME WHAT I SAID TO MY FRIEND ABOUT HIM), and since our conversation has not dropped off we taked for about 9 hours that night! He got kind of angry and his answer to this was why he would spend sooo much time with me on the phone if he wasn't interested, but said I have every right to question him. I'm just not sure if I should ignore his calls or stick it out. We seem to click, and while I have been out on a couple other dates, I still can't let go of this one (and it doesn't help when I get home and he is calling me or texting me). I guess I just need a guys opinion, my brother thinks that because he is in his mid-thirties and has never been married and still lives at home, and he is just afraid of commitment and isn't trying to string me along but can't decide what to do. Any advice would help!! I posted this on another board but just thought I might get some help here too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:30pm
I think this guy is into you. He's into text messaging you, emailing you and talking on the phone with you, but he may not be into a face to face relationship. Quit texting with him and set up a date with him next weekend and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:15pm

You don't mention what his reasons for cancelling were, but you say he had good reasons. If you think he really had good reasons, then why hold it against him? I doubt he would be spending so much time talking with you if he didn't like you.

I would keep in contact with him and just see what happens in the near future. If he continues to keep canceling on you next month, then you'll know to forget him. If things improve, then it could turn out to be that it was honestly just bad luck that he had to cancel the two previous times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:29pm
Sweetie, he's just not that into you! Any man worth your time and, who participated with you in the way that you described, would be tripping over himself (and anything, ANYTHING, in his way!) to get back to you IF HE WAS REALLY INTO YOU!!! And believe me, the man you are describing is stringing you along while still looking for his idea of Ms. Right! You deserve better and I'm sure you want someone who is REALLY into you, right? So, move ahead, my dear, and find Mr. Right-For-You....he's out there and don't settle for any less!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 6:12pm
OK I have to respectfully disagree with the last poster. I remember the 2.2 minutes where I thought that book "hes just not that into you" was a great tool for us - now I think it is more of a problem for everyone than anything else. It is great to feel empowered obviously but you can feel empowered while allowing for other people to have a full life around you and do their best to fit you in while dating. Havent we all heard just as many stories about the guys who are there to the hilt and doing everything for you over the top in the beginning ( whos into you now?) and then they disappear off the planet within a few weeks? This type of overamorous behavior is not real, cannot be maintained and doesnt serve any purpose in the sense we cant get a real view on who the person truly is because they are caught in the endless love campaign. I think he may have just had two legitimate things that came up, told her so, and she even admitted that he had good reasons! he is calling her and texting her and staying in touch every day even during family holidays and they arent even a couple yet!
Does it occur to anyone else that we as women are expecting something in the beginning that really cant last thereby setting us up to be diappointed? I for one and happy to know that my bf has a full life and in the beginning we saw each other reglarly but he didnt drop everything and lose all perspective. There is plenty of room for me in the full life he has - a life he built before me that he is quite proud of and contributes to who he is: the real man I love, not some contrived version of a man out of a romance novel.
Dont write off a perfectly good person for no reason- JMHO.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 10:42pm

As a man I would like to thank you for what you have written and I for one support your thoughts on this.

I have no problems with the He's Just Not That Into You book. What I do have problems with is how some women have chosen to implement it. Some women have created hidden agendas, secret expectations and hoops that a man is obligated to jump through to PROVE he is into her right from the very first date. Frankly, I'm not going to play that game as it is disrespectful to my honor and integrity as a man. When women hear a man say - lets go slow and take this one day at a time - this is a primary reason why he says that. Chances are you're not a Princess, so don't expect us to act like your loyal servant. We are equals now right?

The way I see it is very simple. Life does not revolve around a relationship. A relationship adds value to a great life. As individuals, men and women, we all own the responsibility to create that great life. That responsibility can not be shifted or placed on any other person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 11:55am
My pleasure. I dont think I am alone in thinking that when a guy pays so much attention to you that he appears to have no life worth maintaining during the courtship period - this is a clear red flag. I want someone who is happy and whole without me or any woman for that matter in their life. Of course I want someone who welcomes the idea of a partnership but I myself would not settle if I didnt find a life partner I knew was absoultely right for me so I wouldnt want to get the sense that the guy I am interested in would eventually settle with someone/anyone either just to be married or start a family or whatever. I welcome the idea of someone who has to rearrange a little to make room for me because their life is so full already. I guess I am confident that the joy and love I bring to my future life partner is compelling enough to inspire some rearranging and at the same time I wouldnt want them to give up what they have been building before me.
To be honest, this topic has been on my mind as of late. I have a wonderful bf right now actually who is in a family crisis out of the country. I would do anything to support him but I lso realize he has family surrounding him and have let him guide me as to what I can do from this end. Its tricky sometimes but the fact is this situation has reminded me once again of the life he led before he met me and how fully loved he was before I came into his life. He has asked me to come over now (he asked last night late) and be part of whats going on because he wants the support and I bought a ticket this morning. But if he hadnt, I would have happily supported him from here and stayed put letting whatever circle he deemed best be around him. I actually have had conversations this week with gfs who wanted to know why I havent asked him why I am not invited to the family funeral over there. I was astonished to hear that they thought it wasnt ok that he had just leaned on me but not asked me to be included. It made me glad I wasnt a guy for a moment. I had to stick up for him and tell my gfs that I had told him only once ( because I think once is enough) before he left in the car on the way to the airport that I would fly over there if he needed me and he only needed to ask and he hadnt yet so I assumed he had what he needed and was happy for him. I wonder in my place whether these girls and some of the ones who write on here would have hounded him and whined and wanted in on the crisis even just to be validated. I dont know where the neediness comes from but I can only say that having a full life on your own with active friendships and family helps put any potential relationship in perspective.
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 12:11pm

I don't disagree with you in principal (although I do disagree strongly that HJNTIY says anywhere that a man *shouldn't* have a full life--I think you're misreading the book if that's what you think it says), but where are you seeing any evidence in the original post that this man isn't seeing her because he has a full, busy life?

If he has time to spend hours and hours on the phone with her, he has time to see her. Some people are more comfortable conducting their relationships by phone, email and text rather than in person--this guy sounds like one of them. If that's what the OP wants, great, but if not, then he's not a good fit for her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 1:03pm
I ddint say that the book said that. I was saying that I thought that people should be allowed to have a full like and fit dating in the beginning in a way that supports a full life ( I could go back and paste it but I am pressed for time right now) Anyhow, I was saying that I think some women take the book too far.
What I understood from the first post by the OP was that he is talking to her on the phone an awful lot but that it is
1. at night primarily
2. an hour and a half distance between them
Also, she stated that he had good reasons for canceling on her. That is different than him saying they were good reasons in his own defense - these were her words!
it is the beginning of the relationship, they are an hour a half apart and he clearly has a life over there that makes it a bit challenging to fit in face to face visits if not just for the moment than maybe indefinitely. She either is ok with that or she moves on but I dont think it means definitely that he is not into her at this juncture. it is just too soon to make these assumptions or use them as reasons to drop him IMO.
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 1:16pm

Thanks for clarifying what you meant. As I said, I agree with you about the full life thing and I don't think the book says anything to the contrary, but I do also agree that some people can and do take the message of the book too far.

As for the other...isn't "at night" the time when you generally go out on dates ;-)?

They could each spend 45 minutes of the hours they spend on the phone driving to a place that's halfway, spend an hour or two together, then then drive home, and still have time left over from the time they are spending on these marathon phone calls.

But in the end, yes, it's up to her whether this is sufficient. I just don't buy that anyone who has that much time to spend on the phone doesn't have time to get together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 1:47pm
OK I see what you mean. I hadnt thought of meeting halfway for some reason. duh:) I just remember talking to a LD bf I once had at very odd hours during the night just to touch base and say hello since our schedules didnt always match up and I wouldnt want to meet up with someone I didnt know all that well super late at night. It would be too much pressure for me. Also it strikes me significant that in this month they have known one another I consider one of those weekends to be a wash because of Thanksgiving in terms of in person time but it does sound like he was in touch with her even so. I know I only date on weekends and other people can manage it any old night (I have a kid) but it doesnt seem like much time has passed to me for them for some reason. JMHO as always.
But you're right - it is totally up to her of course whether she can wait to continue their in person courtship or not.
Lilypie - Personal picture